“I know you tell me that ‘just reading’ my assignments won’t bring transformation. I’m ready to ‘DO’ …” my client confessed.
These are the moments I live for.
“I just finished doing a review of my year. It was okay. Maybe even good. But the same challenges, the same patterns and cycles … still leave me stuck in ‘good.’ I’m so over that. I’m ready to DO!” she continued.
These are the moments I pray for, believe for.
“My marriage is good, but the same fights happen again and again. My finances are good, but it seems they barely increase enough to match the cost of living. I work hard in my business, and it’s doing good. But I’m ready for the tipping point,” she lamented.
I totally understood, because at the beginning of each new year, I hear people who’ve reviewed their year … longing for more.
I can and do help them set their sights on…
-Abundant upgrades…
-Elevating their thinking and mindsets…
-Then strategically designing a plan to set them on a path for greater things.
I love doing that … and I think it’s important.
But even more important is helping them rewire at the foundational level.
The pull, the sounds, the justifications of where we came from never stop mixing in to our reality. Sometimes, often times, leaving us with toxic filters about ourselves, others, and life.
Our yesterdays will continue to vie for our future hopes until we decide that’s not who we were created to be … or better said … WHAT we want.
I’m here, in your life, right now, as you read this … to help you to decide one thing … WHAT you really WANT from life.
Here’s a hard pill for us all to swallow, but it has life‑changing power:
Most of who and what you are…
-Your actions and reactions…
-Your routines and habits…
-Your relationships and connections…
-Your successes and failures…
-ALL of that was wired in you by someone else.
You didn’t choose the emotional maturity or climate of your home.
You didn’t choose your family’s ideas of safety, communication, or love.
You didn’t choose how conflict was handled.
You didn’t choose how emotions were expressed.
You didn’t choose what emotions were acceptable and which ones weren’t.
You didn’t choose how they dealt with finances.
You didn’t choose how they regarded kindness and respect.
You didn’t choose much at all …
Yet all those inputs became coded deeply in you.
They programmed YOU before YOU had a chance to do it for yourself.
The truth is that their code wrote your 95%.
This is no longer psychobabble or speculation … it’s a scientific fact.
Even as an adult, when you say things like,
“I’ll speak up next time …”
“I’ll take care of myself when everyone else is taken care of …”
“I’ll stop feeling badly that I breathe air …”
“I’m not going to tolerate being treated disrespectfully …”
Your preprogrammed nervous system whispers:
“What are you thinking? That’s unsafe. Sit down and shut up.”
And if you don’t pipe down, your nervous system will begin to yell.
With pain, discomfort, shame.
Before you know it…
Your goals…
Your dreams…
Your desires…
Are halted by someone else’s preprogramming.
And you’re baffled.
Simply put.
That’s why, how, where, and when survival mode kicks in.
And we create a false self to cope.
That’s what rewiring is about: taking back authorship and ownership of your brain and your life.
Here’s the best news in all of this.
Rewiring isn’t mystical or theoretical.
Neuroscience research points us directly to where and how the rewiring can occur.
This week, I’m providing you with an exercise that goes beyond deep breathing and journaling.
(Even though those are GREAT exercises!)
I’m presenting you with real, physical, rewiring steps, that can and will alter your brain’s prediction and protection circuits.
But … IF … and ONLY IF … you DO them!
You can make HOPE a habit! By doing the exercises I prescribe.
“Oh … I’m IN 100% on this. I will read, but I will also DO! I simply MUST … if I ever want to break out of ‘good’ … and get to GREAT!” my client committed.
What about you?
-Are you IN?
-Are you ready to DO???
1. What Is Memory Reconsolidation?
Your brain is a lot like a librarian who never throws anything away.
That means it stores every moment of your life.
Even painful memories.
Why?
Because once upon a time, holding those memories close protected you.
Here’s the good news … actually the GREAT news …
You have all administrative rights … and you can update, edit, and delete what’s stored in your brain!
That’s REWIRING!
That’s you deciding enough is enough!
That’s YOU writing YOUR story!
Here’s what we know from neuroscientific research.
When you recall a memory, it immediately becomes “flexible” … but only temporarily.
Studies reveal that you have a window of 4 – 6 hours to override and overwrite the emotions that memory is wrapped in.
It’s called memory reconsolidation.
“Memory reconsolidation is an intriguing process where existing memories undergo reactivation, making them susceptible to change. This temporary vulnerability paves the way for new learning and a fresh perspective on traumatic or challenging past events.
Therapists globally recognize the profound impact of memory reconsolidation in reshaping deep-seated emotional patterns and confronting traumatic memories. It serves as a beacon for lasting change, offering renewed hope to countless individuals.” Jules Shores
We’ve had this data for quite some time.
But it’s been a journey for us as professionals figuring out how to use it strategically and practically for healing.
In my opinion, as therapists, we have either oversimplified it (just do some journaling).
Or overcomplicated it (do these 25 things, and hope for the best).
After years of using these techniques as an inpatient and outpatient treatment center owner, I’ve solidified a powerful process.
I’m sharing it in a manner that I believe anyone could work through and gain great healing results. While do some powerful rewiring.
The secret?
Are you ready?
Lean in!
You have … to DO it!
None of us knows there’s someone else living in our brain, until we pause to ask why we do and say and are who we’ve become.
Believe it or not, our brains will change into whatever we decide that it should do or say or become.
That’s the gift of neuroplasticity.
And slowly over time every ghost of influence, every toxic justification, and every good or bad habit that has made us who we are … Yet we can morph ALL OF THAT and become the person we were meant to be.
“Are you ready for this? It’s time to DO.”
I proposed to my client.
She took in a deep breath as if I were about to throw her into deep water that she’d have to swim 15 minutes to get back up to the surface again.
I’ll share her process then give you the steps.
“Let’s DO this!”
2. How the Experience of Memory Reconsolidation Works
I began: “I hear you speak of finances as ‘good’ or ‘less than ideal’ or ‘not what I’d hoped for’ often. Let’s begin there.”
She nodded in complete agreement.
“There could be some wiring that’s keeping you ‘mediocre’ in that area of your life. Often, that’s connected to a painful or stressful moment early on in life,” I explained.
Then I asked, “Can you think of a ‘moment’ or ‘incident’ that had an impact on you when you were young regarding finances?”
Without a second’s pause … she blurted: “I SURE CAN!”
A flash of anger, followed by the reddening in her eyes assured me it was a significant moment on which we could practice “memory reconsolidation.”
I waited.
“I was 5. I had heard ‘we can’t afford it’ my whole life.”
She paused looking at the floor with emotion rising and continued.
“When it came to my brothers and their expensive sports (soccer, baseball, golf, tennis), there was plenty of money.”
I could tell this was painful even as she spoke, as she paused again then went on.
“But when I asked for permission to be a part of a ballet recital, he asked how much? When I told him he rolled his eyes, and informed me with disgust, ‘We sure can’t afford that. Now go play with your dolls’.”
I could hear and see the injustice.
The hurt.
The disappointment.
I asked her to “freeze the frame” on that moment.
Then I asked clarifying questions to understand the dynamic.
It went like this:
Me: “What do you think it was about that dad had money for your brother’s sports and activity, but not yours?”
Client: “Hmmm … well I think his family favored his sisters. They got to do things, but the boys had to get jobs early on. I think he was making up what happened to him by making sure it didn’t happen to his sons.”
Me: “Where did the ‘we can’t afford it’ come from?”
Client: “His dad made lots of money but lost it all when he was young, drinking and gambling. I think he was always afraid he had to save everything in case HE got lost in gambling and alcohol at some point.”
Me: “What do you wish you could’ve done as a little girl at those moments?”
Client (with tears and sobs): “Yell at him: ‘Look at me? Can you see me? Do you see my value? Do you see what you’re doing to me?”
I nodded empathetically.
Me: “If you had the courage and knowledge to do that as a little girl, how do you think he would’ve responded?”
Client (with more tears): “I think it would have shocked him. I think he might have softened immediately and held me. And told me how special I was to him. Honestly, I think he was just acting out of his own crappy wiring … Unaware.”
I let her process that his wiring … created her wiring … which had led her to create a life of more of the same.
Me: “And how is that wiring around money affecting you?”
She looked perplexed but was clearly processing.
In a moment a lightbulb came on.
Client: “I keep my finances mediocre by saying often … ‘I can’t afford it.’ And I resist financial opportunity because I fear I’ll lose myself and the money like my granddad did …”
After more processing, I asked her to take a deep breath.
To be present in the moment.
To feel her strength.
To feel her courage.
Then I asked her to “narrate the story as if it was a powerful, heartwarming, meaningful-rich story for others to hear.”
In summary, she exquisitely narrated a moving tale.
Here’s part of it:
“She was an adorable little girl, eager to express herself in ballet. Her dad, buried in making sure her brothers got opportunities to play sports that he never got to play, neglected to support her little dreams. It wasn’t the right thing, but it was the only thing he knew to do. If she had only had the courage to share her hurt, and point out his wiring, he would’ve likely melted. But she was too young and immature, and he was too wired. But today, she’s looking for little girls like her in women’s bodies … and helping them find the courage and strength to say and do what they need to do … and to REWIRE generations of history so they can live their dreams.”
I was so touched.
I knew I was on sacred ground.
Experiencing and witnessing a moment of personal transformation.
Little did either of us know she’d just written the ad for her next workshop.
And the memory reconsolidation had brought the transformation.
3. The Steps that Will Help You DO Memory Reconsolidation
Here are the steps for you to practice this powerful act of rewiring:
· Select an area of your life not going as you wish it was.
· Select a memory tied to that topic.
· Watch the video of the moment in your mind.
· Press pause.
· Step out of the video and ask yourself key questions to understand the wiring involved.
· Ask yourself what you wish you could’ve done or said at the moment.
· Vividly imagine yourself doing it.
· Now narrate the story (do it out loud, even if only to yourself).
· Tell a story from today’s perspective, along with what gem can be taken from it.
· Make sure you say things that validate YOU at the age you were in the memory.
· Feel new feelings.
Your brain will do its own rewiring from there.
Rewiring the haunted 95% to work for you.
And to work WITH you in creating your best life ever!
As you do this, your amygdala and hippocampus integrate the update.
Your memory now knows the threat is over.
That the chemistry of…
Fear…
Pain…
Shame…
NO longer hover over you in that arena.
That memory, that wiring is no longer “king” or “queen” … YOU are!
You’re not erasing the story.
You’re freeing yourself from being its prisoner and editing the emotions that have driven your 95% to something more powerful and empowering … for YOU!
You’re no longer living out the influences of someone else’s sins! Living how someone else wired you to live.
*****
Our brains are designed for our uniqueness.
And not for someone else’s missteps (on loop / repeat) in our subconscious minds.
Getting louder by the moment.
There was a tangible difference in my client after just that one session.
But I asked her to do the narration again (out loud, preferably looking in the mirror) at least 3 more times before the next session.
She arrived … and it was as if an old beat-up corvette that would only run in first gear … showed up REWIRED and totally remodeled as a classic version running on all cylinders.
What a beauty!
She timidly asked permission to go forward using the process in other areas of her life.
“ABSOLUTELY!”
I encouraged her.
“That’s what this is all about …”
Her closing statement in that session was: “It’s like a cloud – that I didn’t even know was hovering over me – has lifted.”
I thought of that song I heard long ago in a Tony Robbins Mastery University class where I felt a similar feeling:
“I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind …
It’s going to be bright sunshiny day!”
As she was leaving, she said, “I have to also wonder if I had DONE all of the exercises you’ve provided … instead of just reading them … where I’d be?”
“Well, you’re here now!” I shared.
“And if you don’t mind, I’m going to share your story,” I said, hoping she’d agree.
“You sure can … and tell them I said: ‘Time is a WASTIN’! Get it! DO it’!”
I hope you will follow her lead … and begin a rewiring process that changes EVERYTHING!
A life that YOU are designing!
An “exceedingly abundantly above” life.
It’s your brain and you can think what you desire to think …
The way you desire to process or …
You can abandon yourself (by just reading and not “doing”) …
And remain in the passenger seat of your own life, and that the way and what someone else thinks.
Hearing the chatter of old wiring is death…
Hearing yourself is life.
So, I say … choose life … choose you!