“Selfish! That’s why I lost her! I was selfish! So focused on what I had to spew out when my VMH was activated … that I had not one moment of understanding I was destroying her!” my client that I mentioned two weeks ago strained to share while weeping.
He had read my first two weeks about VMH (ventromedial hypothalamus) … which I call a ‘Very Mad / Moody Human’… to make it relevant.
“She even said to me once: ‘For once in your selfish life can you stop your tirade long enough to see that you’re destroying the last few cells in my heart that have loved you for all these years’? And did I listen?”
He paused, regrouped, and continued.
“Hell NO! I went on a rant about her judging me and not understanding me … and how I didn’t want to have to listen to her talk about my selfishness!”
I knew he needed to share this.
“I even had the nerve … in the same rant … to remind her of what a good man I am. Then I listed all the things I’d done to help her financially after she retired, and how good I’d been to her ‘worthless’ family.”
He was broken. I knew it. He knew it.
“SELFISH! I get it now … But I really didn’t see it! I promise I didn’t see it! If I had been as good of a man as I said I was … I would’ve let her influence me. She tried. In all the right ways.”
He never looked up.
“But I just couldn’t tolerate not having everything be about me. My trauma. My childhood. My rights. My thoughts that I shouldn’t have to do so much to meet her needs!”
As he shared this next statement he looked up.
“And this truth is … I was meeting very few if any of them. I’m so ashamed. I did this! To her! To us!”
As he poured out his innermost being and wept, I could hardly choke back the tears while experiencing his anguish and deep remorse.
I know sincere regret.
She was right to view his VMH sensitivities and reactions as “selfish …”
Although for most people it’s not about selfishness at the root.
Life rewires all of us and we become reactionary.
A survival version of ourselves.
We had a very productive time together unpacking why it appears to be selfishness. And how to recognize what’s happening and why.
Learning to turn off the screaming sirens that the VMH is sending out … vying for our peace. And then … learning immediately turning to reconnect.
I know it sounds like an impossible dream for both people in this scenario. The one on the receiving end because it NEVER stops! It recurs, recurs, recurs, and the cycle is set in stone.
For the one experiencing VMH sensitivities and reactions, it seems impossible because to them it’s just as normal and natural as breathing.
Very few unplug and step outside themselves and trust someone like me to become their mirror. But the truth is … unless you/me/we do, we’ll continue to see ourselves with the justification that keeps us isolated in a cycle of unrest.
At the end of our session, he asked if there was any hope. I told him I certainly didn’t know where she was in her mind or heart, but I believe it’s never too late.
“If you’re willing to do the work …” I said firmly.
The redness in his eyes returned as he shared, “She wouldn’t believe I was willing to do the work. Rightfully so. I told her dozens of times that I didn’t want to have to work so hard on a relationship. Work hard? What was I thinking? She was only asking me to love her and care about her!”
“Prove her wrong! Do the work!” I suggested.
I’m suggesting the same to you.
-Don’t allow yourself to be remembered as a selfish person.
-A mad person.
-A moody person.
Don’t allow your VMH to have that much control over your life.
Don’t allow your history to have that much control over your life.
Stop lying to yourself about the hard work.
You’re willing to get along with your co-workers.
So you know you can.
You look at it as if it will somehow damage you.
When the truth is, it’ll call you forth to all you were created to be.
It’ll create rich relationships.
It’ll provide a fulfilling, meaningful life.
Let’s do this … TOGETHER!
1. Understanding why reactions to VMH look like selfishness.
When your ventromedial hypothalamus (VMH) is in the driver’s seat, it often looks like selfishness.
The truth is … it’s your survival brain doing what it’s supposed to do.
Let’s take a deeper look.
VMH is part of your hypothalamus.
It is always scanning the horizon.
It’s always looking for threat or danger.
But just like those (sometimes) annoying fire detectors we have in our homes … that sometimes go off when you’re frying something that creates a little bit of smoke …your VMH sounds the alarm.
But not every time your VMH detects threat or danger … is it actually danger.
But regardless, when it detects fire, it starts that annoying beeping.
And until you open a window or door, it just keeps going off.
When our VMH “thinks” it detects threat or danger, it starts the annoying beeping in the form of aggressive behaviors. Usually those are not physical as much as aggressive words, tones, volume, and/or body language.
Survival is everyone’s default mode.
At those moments, your survival brain is not aware of any of its aggressive behaviors or words.
It focuses on finding the danger and tackling it with your survival tools.
Its sole focus is surviving … and has no concern about or attention to give any sense of connection …
So it is totally oblivious to the impact the alarm going off is having on others.
“That’s exactly what happens in me. My wife would highlight that my VMH sends out 9-1-1 call for major intervention … and it’s normally a false alarm,” my client confided with a bit of irritation.
“Can you give me an example?” I asked with compassion.
“Well, I’d been watching football that weekend and went into the kitchen for some ice cream during half time. I knew she was there, but I figured she was busy, so I was checking scores on my phone,” I nodded with understanding.
After a minute, she commented, “I sure feel lonely.”
I erupted with a huge sigh, rolled my eyes, and threw my spoon in the sink, and retorted with disgust: “I just can’t do anything right, can I? I can’t just enjoy football, can I? OH NO … you have needs. Well maybe you’re just ‘needy’!”
“OUCH!” I retorted with a bit of compassion. “Would you call that an example of a false alarm?”
“Looking back, I guess I would. It was those kinds of moments that eventually led her to pack up and leave. It all boils down to selfishness! More concern about what I wanted to do. And turning a little cry for attention into a major fight – a 3-alarm fire!” he confessed.
“May I just share with you that deep wounds are what would cause your VMH to erupt over a cry for closeness and connection. At those moments, she was just hoping for a little love … And yes, your response looked like ‘selfishness’ … When what really happened was that her comment tapped into some early wound that sent you into survival mode,” I explained.
You may have had moments when your survival brain caused you to seem “selfish” when your VMH had commissioned your survival brain to the rescue.
When we have a sensitive or overactive VMH, it’s just moving into self-protection, and has no bandwidth (while activated) for ANYTHING else. Its focus is 100% devoted to survival.
In that mode, all resources are on:
How do I make or keep myself safe?
Leaving no thought or concern about:
What’s happening with or in my spouse (or my kids, or coworkers, or siblings)?
It’s patterned thinking. We are flexible with all other areas of life but not with that space between where intimacy is confronted with a new way of living or a survivalist way of living.
Is it comfortable to face the need to change to meet the needs of the one you love most?
No. Why?
Because survival is on repeat in your head, but now that I’ve told you it is … let’s do something about it!
In this mode, your VMH leads you to interrupt, stonewall, or explode. Anything to stop the threat.
“I’m not saying that was okay … but it does make sense. But in that interaction … what was the threat?” my client asked with innocence.
I countered with a question: “When she said she was feeling lonely, what went off in your brain?”
“I’m not enough,” he responded immediately.
I nodded and smiled as I responded gently: “And something in you believes that if it’s true that you’re not enough …”
Before I could finish the question, he blurted out: “I really am a worthless piece of sh*t just like my dad made sure I knew!”
I leaned toward him as I affirmed, “When he said those things to you, it wounded you deeply. Any reminder of that subconscious lie you believe and trust, sends your VMH into 3-alarm fire mode so that you can stop the pain.”
“I get it … but I lost her,” he lamented.
“Here’s one more thing you must know before we go into the mode of transforming your paradigm so that she’ll be able to see a difference in you!” I said with encouragement.
And I want you to hear this too!
When a 3-alarm fire goes off in your VMH … you go to fight, flight, or freeze. Here are the behaviors that ensue that will assist you in recognizing what’s happening.
Here are the behaviors associated with each of them:
· FIGHT → Snapping and saying harsh, hurtful things
Blaming or pointing out the other’s faults to take the focus off you Dominating the conversation
· FLIGHT → Walking out abruptly
Threatening to leave
Threatening to end the relationship
Ghosting the issue
· FREEZE → Shutting down
Refusing to allow the other to influence you
Acting like you are disinterested
Refusing to talk
When you see any of these, you MUST be willing to say to yourself: “My VMH is activated. Anything I say or do from this place would likely look selfish and be counterproductive. I MUST take a break!”
(From my AA friend. “It sounds too simple, but it works, not sometimes, but every time. Pause, pray, proceed. That’s the surest path to becoming a different me/you/us.”)
Then say to whoever you are interacting with: “I need a break. I’ll be back in ____ minutes or hours (give specific time, and it needs to be a minimum of 20 minutes and a max of 24 hours, but preferably the same day …) to continue this conversation in a better way.”
THEN DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE to soothe the 3-alarm fire.
Things like those I mentioned last week:
· Take a break and go for a walk or run
· Practice gratitude
· Watch a funny “short” on YouTube or TikTok
· Do something healthy to distract yourself (not drinking alcohol, smoking, or any other unhealthy behavior … that’s counterproductive to reprogramming your VMH)
· Take a nap
· Avoid sugar (or alcohol) intake (they fuel VMH – like trying to put out a fire with a can of gasoline)
· Say a prayer or meditate
Yes! This is hard stuff! But you can do it! You know the results of the easy stuff! And how is that working for you?
2. Never ignore the aftermath.
100% of the time when your VMH sets off a 3-alarm signal, unless you’ve remained silent, frozen your facial expressions, controlled your breathing (i.e. sighs) and kept your body language calm and casual … you’ve done some damage to the others in your presence.
Did you intend to?
Likely not.
Do you realize you did?
Sadly, not often if ever.
Did you “make it right?”
Even more unfortunate … rarely!
But did it still happen?
YES.
Did it do damage?
Yes!
Even if they’re so accustomed to it that they display no emotion … or perhaps they even look at you with disgust.
(Caution … eventually you’ll likely wear them out … and you’ll end up alone.)
“Yes, I noticed that for months before she left,” he admitted. “And then like a fool, I made it all about her.”
I affirmed him for acknowledging that.
And assured him that half the battle had been won in his ability to actually see and accept what was occurring with his VMH.
I continued with the ‘bad news’.
“I’m sure you can see how that looked totally selfish. But again … I know that’s not WHO you are … so let’s continue looking at what’s really happening …”
Please put your Mickey Mouse ears on.
Many people just “read along.”
Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m so glad you are here.
But “knowledge” does not create transformation.
Embracing truth, seeing yourself clearly, and becoming actively involved in the steps does!
It’s stepping outside yourself and seeing who you’ve really become.
Please don’t just read for knowledge.
Read to transform yourself into the best version of you …
and all you’re created to be!
That, my friend, transforms relationships too!
So … here’s what occurs in everyone’s VMH when a 3-alarm fire siren screams.
Our prefrontal cortex PFC (remember, I call that the part of your brain that is a Pretty Fine Communicator) shuts down. Then the medial prefrontal cortex that processes information loses network connection.
You know how frustrating it is when your Internet goes down?
And there’s not connection?
That’s how the other person feels.
And you don’t get it … because you programmed yourself to be that way.
With the PFC shut down, and the medial PFC loses connection, there is:
· Lack of awareness
· Focus on survival
· No access to empathy or compassion
· Victimhood becomes your “go to” (poor me, I’m just doing the best I can and it’s not enough)
You’ve basically become a “bot.”
A “bot” is software that does things automatically …
Without human input or human care.
You’re on autopilot and your heart is behind a steel wall that seems justifiable.
When you get the 3-alarm fire out, you are fine. But the person on the receiving end of your VMH (Very Mad / Moody Human) is NOT!
About 99% of the time, after a VMH hijack, the VMH person is “over it” … and never glances across the table or the room to assess the damage.
Naturally, you want things to go back to “normal.”
Without acknowledging the aggression and the damage done.
Does that sound selfish to you?
This requires:
· Humility
· Courage
· Reconnection & Repair
If you desire healthy relationships …
Those 3 things are NOT OPTIONS!
If you desire to be the best version of you …
Those 3 things are NOT OPTIONS!
If you desire to be respected …
Those 3 things are NOT OPTIONS!
“I do desire all of those things,” my client said with pure dedication and sincerity. “And I’m not just willing to do them all … but … I MUST!”
I know that you desire all these things.
I know it’s hard.
Survival is comfortable.
Healing isn’t.
But I believe that since you’re here … and still reading …
you’re ready to DO the work.
3. Learn to reconnect and repair.
“I just hope I have the chance to do this!” my client said with true longing in his voice. “Of course, if you’d asked me to do this previously, I would’ve just read through this, thinking it was good. But I doubt that I would’ve felt the need to do it.”
“I appreciate your honesty, and I hope others who have a challenged relationship will learn from your mistakes of putting it off, or not taking it seriously,” I shared. “Action is what brings abundance back to the relationship.”
Because of his statement, you’ll hear more about that below.
I began walking him through the process.
I will share more about that in next week’s blog.
“In order to be believable … you must say some very specific things,” I directed.
“I’ll say anything. If I need to say what a fool I’ve been, I’m good with that,” he committed.
First of all, I warned him, as I will warn you: Do it at any time. But it will only carry true weight when you catch yourself in the middle of a VMH hijack, take a short break to calm yourself, and gather your notes.
Then return with this as the outline:
· I know you’ve seen what you just witnessed (or if it’s not at that moment … what you witnessed Friday night, etc) many times.
· I know you must be weary beyond words.
· I’ve learned it is a brain hijack, putting my VMH (Very Mad / Moody Human) in the driver’s seat.
· I said things that were less than honorable, with tones, words, and intensity that you did not deserve.
· I want to take responsibility for that and do things differently from this moment forward.
You cannot expect a huge magic moment here.
You are not looking for affirmation.
You are using your courage and humility …
to own this as YOUR problem, YOUR challenge.
You’re taking full responsibility.
This is not a test run.
You know what doesn’t work.
Insanity … remember?
Doing the same things and expecting life to change …
you KNOW that’s “nuts”!
If you are not ready to do that, you may need to do more healing work on your underlying trauma to prepare for such a moment.
Will it be too late?
I don’t know.
I certainly hope not.
But you certainly don’t want a future that looks like your past.
So, until you’re at the place where you’re ready, willing, and committed to doing so, you need to be working tenaciously on that trauma that blocks your ability to take responsibility.
“I am 100% ready, willing, and committed to doing so. I only hope and pray that I have the opportunity!” he responded with solid determination.
What about you, my friend?
Are you there yet?
My hope is that you are!
*****
I had originally only intended to write a blog or two about this topic of our VMH (Very Mad / Moody Human) that hijacks many (perhaps most) good things in our life.
However, it’s obviously hit some nerves.
For both those who struggle with it.
And for those on the receiving end of it.
I will continue at least another week.
Because learning to reconnect and repair is not necessarily an easy thing. But it also is not something that comes “natural”.
Even my client dedicated to transforming his VMH, did not know what to do next.
-He, like you, is very smart.
-He, like you, desires to do the right thing.
-Yet he, like you, did not know what to do.
Next week, I will outline that clearly.
In the meantime, I reached out to him again, because of what I reported him saying above:
“I just hope I have the chance to do this!” my client said with true longing in his voice. “Of course, if you had asked me to do this previously, I would’ve just read through this, thinking it was good. But I doubt that I would have felt the need to do it.”
I reminded him that I had said to him:
“I appreciate your honesty, and I hope others who have a challenged relationship will learn from your mistake of putting it off, or not taking it seriously,” I shared.
I asked him if he could speak to each person, whether male or female, reading this series what he would want to say to them? He said he would love to have the chance to do that.
In response, he sent me this letter to share:
“To your readers,
I knew I had a problem. But only when I was revved up and ranting, and for maybe 5 minutes afterwards.
I tried to do things better, but didn’t take nearly seriously enough what I was doing to the girl that I loved more than anyone!
The truth is, she was gracious and long suffering.
Think about that. You’re making someone you love suffer a long time.
Please take this seriously. Before you wake up one day to a house that was once a home. To the ‘peace’ you told her you longed for anytime she had a need. And now that ‘peace’ is the ‘absence’ of the only true love you’d ever had.
Don’t think so highly of yourself to think she’ll do this forever.
Don’t think so little of her that you will keep doing it until you deflate her to nothing.
Please do something before it’s too late.
I wish I had!
From An Understanding Friend”
WOW!
I just had to share that with you.
You deserve the incomprehensibly remarkable results that will come with the courage, humility, and reconnecting & repairing.
Accept what you can’t change and know that the only thing you can ever change is yourself and your view of the world around you. And your responses to it.
Choose action. Choose healing. Choose life!