“I guess she just wants someone perfect who’ll tolerate her emotions, so I’m out!” my client seethed.
Last week, I shared three scenarios of people who were struggling with VMH issues, and that was one of the comments I had reported.
In case you haven’t read last week’s blog (https://drneecie.com/when-our-brain-takes-over-learning-to-make-repairs-after-less-than-ideal-moments/)
… VMH (Ventromedial Hypothalamus) is a cluster of brain cells, that when activated … create aggression.
Sometimes the aggression is physical, but more often it is verbal and displayed in facial expressions and body language. Although I gave the actual name for this cluster of brain cells above, I call it “Very Mad / Moody Human” with my clients to keep it relevant.
This week, I received an email from someone who said I should add “Mean” to the “m’s” also.
But I think “mad / moody” is sufficient. Because “piling” on more words would make those who need to read about it even more reticent to do so!
Simplify and intensify.
Not only is this aggression disconcerting to others, but at the same time, the person whose VMH is activated perceives their reactions as “normal.”
(From my AA friend. “Passive aggressive was a phrase I had no idea about. When I got sober and my body and brain’s system were clear of the residual poisons, it changed the way I processed everything: I could think clear. The first thing I clearly thought of was where I came from. I was raised in a family that went from calm to explosion and back again with no middle ground…it was either or and I’d become that too.”)
When confronted with the harshness or abrasiveness of their tones, expressions, words, or body language … there’s often great defensiveness, deflection, or denial.
This makes it difficult for them to get the help they need (and deserve) to regulate this innate reaction when their VMH is activated.
My client who made the comment at the opening of the blog is a perfect example of this. I was aware before I even knew what had occurred that he had likely had his VMH activated, because he was reacting with deflection (blaming his wife).
Turns out I was exactly right.
It’s not easy to change our programming.
Finding our true champion self takes immense courage and trust that most, if not all, of us know nothing about. That’s why I count it a sacred trust when someone sits in front of me.
I knew I had to navigate this carefully in order for him to have the ability to embrace the truth, and accept responsibility.
It’s why I begin such journeys, as I am with you … making it clear that your VMH getting activated … and you innately responding … is NOT YOUR FAULT!
However, as I was able to share with my client … it is indeed your responsibility once you become aware of it.
That’s not guilt calling you, that’s freedom.
In order to get him to the place of embracing, accepting, and taking responsibility … I shared 3 things.
I’d like to share them with you this week.
If you’re the person on the receiving end of the Very Mad / Moody Human, I’m hoping you’ll first develop an understanding of what is happening.
Then secondly, find a great moment to share some of this information with them.
If you are the person whose VMH is being activated … I want you to understand that it’s NOT YOUR FAULT … and help you embrace, accept, and take responsibility for your VMH.
No one wants to be known for being a Very Mad / Moody Human … but unless you do something to understand it and take healing and preventive measures … that could be your epitaph.
I’m aware that’s not WHO you are.
And if I could wave a magic wand (borrowed from Good Witch Glinda who transformed Cinderella’s life) over you, I’d do so in a heartbeat.
But it requires some humility,
courage,
and surrender … from YOU.
If you’re willing to tap into those things, I KNOW we can turn down the volume and resulting damage of the VMH in your brain.
Trust me … that part of you can be managed.
And until you do so, no matter how far you put your head in the sand about it (defensiveness, denial, deflection) … it just leaves the less than desirable part of you up in the air for the world to see!
IF we change … EVERYTHING changes.
Remember … you must have these 3 powerful character qualities activated:
· Humility (Remember … it’s not your fault. Get curious and take charge of your life!)
· Courage (You must decide that you can do this. Take a deep breath and let’s do it!)
· Surrender (Just like in the 12-step program, surrender to the process. Acknowledge that you aren’t able to do it alone).
Let’s do this … TOGETHER!
1. Understand what makes your VMH more easily activated than others.
(From my friend in AA. “I became unpredictable like the unpredictability I was raised in.”)
It’s important to understand that not everyone’s VMH is activated by the same things or by the same levels of intensity.
That was set in you early on.
Here are the things that have influence on what activates your VMH, and how sensitive it is:
· Growing up in an unsafe environment (mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually)
· Growing up in a family that is plagued with conflict
· Growing up in a family where anger permeates the atmosphere
· Growing up in a family where there is neglect (physically or emotionally)
· Experiencing genetic sensitivity (from parents who grew up around trauma, danger, or any of the other things listed above)
· Being sleep deprived
· Being hungry
· Being stressed out
· Feeling trapped
· Feeling powerless
· Feeling unsafe in relationships
This is just a sampling of things that make our VMH more easily activated, and often very sensitive to being triggered.
My client was staring out the window as I listed these causes.
I had already assured him that it wasn’t his fault … and was hoping that some of these might help him get traction in his thought process.
In a monotone voice, almost sounding disinterested, he said, “I’ve spent my life saying that what happened ‘back then’ didn’t matter. And now you’ve had to highlight them. Since I’m a cynic, I expected you to say ‘checkmate’ … and wait for me to say ‘well-played’.”
I waited.
This was not a game for me.
It was my most sincere effort to help him to acknowledge his VMH … so he could heal and truly live as the best version of himself as a husband, a dad, and a business owner.
It felt like an eternity, but I kept waiting.
Finally, continuing in the same monotone voice … still staring out the window … he began. “My mom was bitter and mean. You never knew when she would slap someone across the room, or stab someone’s hand with a fork.”
“My dad was an *ss. If you didn’t do things the way he wanted them done, at the second he wanted them done … you might be sent to your room at 10am with no food all day.”
“If he came home at midnight and the house wasn’t clean enough for him, he would get us up and we had to scrub floors til we left for school the next day.”
“I never shed a tear when either one of them died. First tear I shed, was when my granny died,” then his voice broke.
I nodded with compassion.
Another tear was shed for Granny.
“I got out of there as soon as I could … and decided I’d never look back …”
I waited.
“Until today …”
No wonder he had a very sensitive VMH. But I knew at heart, he was not the Very Mad / Moody Human that he appeared to be.
And it’s not who you are either, my friend.
Even if it seems you are.
Truth is, we discount what happened to us as no big deal … when in fact our entire personality was re-wired from its intended version in order to cope.
The more things listed above that you’ve experienced and the more intensely you experienced them … the more sensitive your VMH is.
However, we know from research that you can retrain your VMH reactions (more on that later).
My client continued, “So when you asked me why I would be ‘done’ with my marriage just because my wife had emotions … I already knew it was me. I just didn’t think you’d be smart enough to figure that out, or I would’ve never come.”
I asked very gently, “If she were here right now, what would you say to her?”
He bowed his head, and said softly, “It’s me, baby. Not you. Hang with me. I say I’m ‘done’ to get you to leave me alone. You’re the one who should be ‘done’ with me …”
I smiled and affirmed him.
Then suggested he have that conversation with her.
I hope that you’ll be as willing as he was to acknowledge that your VMH reactions are not your fault … but also understand that knowing what made you sensitive to it, will help you turn down its sensitivity.
“Change your brain, change your life.”
Dr. Amen
2. Learn how to re-program the sensitivity of your VMH.
There are several things that can help turn down the sensitivity of your VMH.
The very first thing is … acknowledging it … and how you react when it is activated. (I know … it sounds too simple … but take heart … it really is.)
Research with rats show that when electrodes stimulate their VMH … in less than 3 seconds they become aggressive … in their noises, in their behaviors, and in their impact on other rats (demonstrating aggressiveness).
(Don’t let the seemingly ‘overwhelm’ towards change cause you to doubt. It’s this simple and this complex.)
Additional research shows that when the electrodes ceased the stimulation, the return to their previous “selves” happened within 3 seconds.
I share that here to let you know that if you’ll do the right things to address it (acknowledging it is the first step) you can immediately begin to turn down your aggressive behaviors.
(From my AA friend. “Powerless? What brought me to the point of true change was realizing what my unconscious drive to control …even what I could never control … had done to me. New life is found when you build on top of surrender.”)
With great sensitivity, I asked my client, “Would you share with me what your aggressiveness looks like?”
For a moment he looked like I had just slugged him in the gut with a baseball bat.
Then he took a deep breath and began:
“I don’t hit her. I never have.”
I commented, “I believe you. But do you charge her?”
Confused, he asked, “What does that mean?”
“Well, you’re a big guy … do you ever make a slight move toward her to scare her? Or raise your hand?”
With shame, he nodded. “I don’t raise my hand, but I know how to lean toward her with enough intensity to set her back. Never really thought of that till you mentioned it. But yes.”
“What else do you do that’s aggressive?” I asked.
“I do that defending stuff you talked about. I say hateful things. And I never take them back. I get loud. I create chaos. I threaten to leave …” he confessed.
“This is valuable information. Because from this moment forward, you will KNOW when you do any of these things … that your VMH is activated,” I explained.
There are a number of things you can do.
· Take a break and go for a walk (Tell her you need a break to take care of your VMH, and then tell her when you’ll be back – minimum of 20 minutes, maximum of 24 hours)
· Practice gratitude
· Watch a funny “short” on YouTube or TikTok
· Do something healthy to distract yourself (drinking alcohol, smoking, or any other unhealthy behavior … that’s counterproductive to reprogramming your VMH)
· Take a nap
· Avoid sugar intake (it fuels VMH)
· Say a prayer or meditate
Learning to take that break when you note the aggressive behaviors is a HUGE KEY!
Change is uncomfortable and uncertain, and the results are something none of us can control. But that’s what it takes to find surrender and live in a powerlessness which is the only way to change everything.
“But now, let me share how to get to the real root of the matter …”
He grinned and asked, “How long will it take and how much will it cost?”
I had to laugh.
Depends on the route you choose. There’s everything from online programs, trauma healing therapy, books, workshops, etc.
He said he wanted the fastest route possible.
One of the options I gave him was my hybrid training/healing program: “Essential Life / Trauma Coaching.” That was the one he chose, and he will be in my next cohort.
You choose a program that works for you.
But you MUST address early trauma wounding if you truly desire to turn down the sensitivity of your VMH. You must doit in orer to live consciously and not unconsciously.
3. It’s never too soon to begin making amends and asking your spouse, significant other, a sibling, or a dear friend to accompany you on this journey.
“She would do anything for me, I KNOW she would,” my client said. “But I’ve drug her through enough of my sh*t …”
“I understand, but I do think it’s time to begin your amends process … and to at least invite her on the journey.”
“I’m sure she doesn’t want to hear another ‘I’m sorry.’ I don’t say it often. Not often enough. But I’ve said it enough that I don’t think it would mean anything to her at this point,” he assured me.
“I get it. But let me outline the amends I’d like for you to consider.”
I shared with him what I’d like to share with you about an amends after years of acting and reacting from your VMH (Very Mad / Moody Human):
· Ask for a time to meet with her
· Set up a time, place, and situation that is thoughtful … (Not just while she is folding your laundry) – Example: Take her to the park with her favorite soft drink and snack
· Share with her what you’ve learned about your VMH being sensitive
· Share with her what you’ve learned your “aggressiveness” looks like when your VMH is activated
· Tell her that you would like to hear how it has affected her
· Reflect, validate, empathize (click here for the detailed handout on that: https://bit.ly/Reflect-Validate)
· Take ownership by saying “I’m working on this and will do better”
· Explain that you’ll be asking for a break when you notice any of the aggressiveness
· Ask her to help you set up a nonverbal signal for when she notices it and you do not (not the middle finger)
· Tell her you will accept her nonverbal signal, even if you do not recognize it and ask for the break
· Tell her you will tell her when you’ll be back (20 minute minimum, 24 hours maximum)
· Ask her if she’d be willing to meet with you weekly to celebrate improvements, and to share where she wishes you had caught yourself sooner
That is a powerful way to begin to heal and make amends while you work through your trauma healing.
It will mean the world to your partner.
*****
If you know that your VMH is sensitive, remember … it’s NOT YOUR FAULT!
But it’s time to take responsibility … and do something that allows you to shine.
Take breaks.
Heal your trauma wounds.
It’s that simple … that complex.
Dr. David Richo says: “Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.”
(From my friend in AA. “When I realized who I’d become, I saw who I wanted to be. Not every quality I had was bad. As matter of fact, I had more good ones than bad ones. It was just that the bad ones were the ones I kept in first place, and they demanded medication until I surrendered them to the change that I had no idea how to find. Powerlessness is the only curse that can become a blessing.”)
What happened to you that makes you sensitive to VMH is NOT YOUR FAULT … but the responsibility for the healing you desire and deserve is yours.
But you don’t have to do it alone! Let’s do it TOGETHER!