“I’m still not over how my son ruined my business, how my wife lied about me, and how my life fell apart!”
The mix of anguish, regret, venom, and deep pain poured out like contemptuous lava, that could incinerate a 12-story building.
He was speaking of events that had occurred decades ago.
Yet for him, they were as real as yesterday.
(All of us have versions of pain and disappointment that vie for attention…with one goal in mind; to keep us from the present.)
Resentment is one of those quiet emotional loops that literally keeps the nervous system tethered to the past.
More candidly?
CHAINED to the past.
Resentment is the emotion that keeps past “unfortunate life events” on repeat. Making them part of our present preoccupation … and on refresh and repeat endlessly.
The root of the word resentment comes from the French ressentir: re‑ (again) + sentir (to feel).
What does that mean?
To literally…
feel again
and again
and again.
That etymology matters because resentment isn’t just about something that happened once.
It’s about your brain replaying the same emotional charge over and over, long after the event is over and history. Sometimes, ancient history.
Keeping it in our present and enlarging its impact each time we replay it.
Making it fresh and chemically active in our brain.
Each time we feel the pain (as we re-experience the injustice) our brain and body believe it’s happening again, cementing both the emotion and the identity attached to it deeply in our hearts, minds, bodies, and spirits.
It’s why AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), one of the most enduring recovery movements in human history, calls resentment “the number one offender.”
The 12 Steps & 12 Traditions book says about our resentments:
““Our present anxieties and troubles, we cry, are caused by the behavior of other people—people who really need a moral inventory. We firmly believe that if only they’d treat us better, we’d be all right. Therefore, we think our indignation is justified and reasonable—that our resentments are the ‘right kind.’ We aren’t the guilty ones. They are!”
In AA’s Big Book, resentment is described as the root of relapse — the emotion that most reliably drives us to old, toxic behaviors.
Modern neuropsychological research has proven these concepts as truth: prolonged resentment keeps our bodies’ stress systems (the HPA axis) simmering.
24/7/365.
Cortisol, adrenaline, and inflammatory cytokines are continuously elevated.
Why is that important?
Because we are living trapped in the past physiologically.
Our reactions to people in our present are not about what’s happening in the present.
It’s a moment of the present…
-Bathed in emotions…
-Reactions…
-Projections from the past on to a jumbotron screen of the moment.
Totally overriding and overpowering the moment!
I can assure you that it’s a SKEWED (not screwed, but worse) perception. 100% of the time … until resentment is resolved.
It’s how and why resentments ruin relationships of the present.
And everyone (except) the person with the resentment…sees it?
Even more important … people who are anywhere near the person “rehearsing the resentment” … experience it too.
Along with the confusion, destruction, and loneliness that comes with being exposed to a person who is harboring resentments (as if they were some sort of treasure)!
Each time the resentment is rehearsed it becomes more deeply embedded in the heart, brain, and spirit.
Adding more intensity to the story.
It’s a perfect scenario and blend of emotion … for an addictive personality.
It keeps the brain rewriting old stories
instead of predicting new ones.
Oddly, it feels good to dig up old emotions
when you have no vision for the future.
A sick form of accomplishment anchored to victory speech for a “gold medal in victimhood”.
The man who spoke the words in the opening of this blog is a good man. 99% of those who harbor resentments are good humans.
Decades of rehearsing the offenses from decades ago have joined forces with his already poorly wired programming of 95% (of his life, heart, mind, and spirit).
Leaving behind its evidence of broken relationships, genius creativity stifled, and a year and a half of sobriety that is stalled out on step 3.
He, like all of us with unresolved resentments, longs for something different … but it will remain elusive.
Until … UNTIL … he finds the courage and strength to realize that the discomfort of stepping out of his comfort zone is more important than nursing the “familiar” (resentments) that are sabotaging his greatness!
I believe he will.
And my prayer is that you will do the same for yourself.
Setting greatness free to reign in your life!
- What Is Resentment?
Dr. Jordan Peterson can always be counted on for “in your face” definitions of the things we struggle with.
Here’s what he says about resentment:
“Resentment means one of two things. One is that you’re being taken advantage of, and you have something you need to say and something to sort out. The other possibility is that you’re immature and you’re not shouldering your responsibility properly. In that case, it’s time to grow the hell up.”
Let’s look a little deeper.
Resentment is a re‑experienced emotion.
It blends anger (the motivation to get something done), sadness (feelings of loss and/or betrayal), and powerlessness (the sense we couldn’t do anything at the moment of the unfortunate life event – or after it – to change what happened).
That’s an emotional maze … like chasing your tail, all the while looking for the exit.
People who get help processing the event early on, usually have great success in preventing any long-term resentment.
Unlike acute anger (which motivates us to take action and do something to resolve a matter) … resentment immediately freezes that energy.
It’s anger that spins like a tire in a pothole.
Slinging mud.
And rocking back and forth (which they perceive as progress.)
The more the tires spin … the deeper the hole gets.
Until the body of the car (our body, mind, heart, and spirit) is run aground…the emotional loop will continue, and our lives go NO WHERE!
Neuropsychology research reveals that resentment functions like a chronic stress response.
When triggered by reminders of an old wound, the amygdala and insula relight as the prefrontal cortex goes offline. Making it impossible for logical thinking to occur. Then you/me/we have no ability to see what we, and our resentments, are doing to others.
Pure stress hormones.
No empathy.
No insight.
No relief.
As it’s programmed to do, your body re‑releases stress chemistry meant for short‑term emergencies.
Except now, there’s no event to resolve — only the memory of the event.
Spinning. Spinning. Spinning.
This is the essence of ressentir — to feel again.
Each rehearsal lays down another layer of associative memory, binding the person or event to the one rehearsing the resentment.
They cannot escape its hold after deeply embedding it. (Until they are ready to do the work that requires them to leave the “familiar” resentments behind …)
That associative loop eventually runs automatically.
It becomes part of the unconscious 95% — the body’s default prediction that “injustice equals danger.”
It sets the RAS (reticular activating system) in the brain to look for injustice.
You/me/we become obsessive in our search.
And BINGO! We find that evidence everywhere … and everything becomes an injustice.
Minor errors or a poor choice of words can send the person with the resentments spinning. For days on end.
Over time, resentment becomes part of our identity.
That will eventually become a lonely life.
Research indicates that the strongest force within us is to remain consistent with our identity.
But that identity is not a conscious choice.
It’s part of our 95% programming.
When our resentments collide with our 95%
it’s vulnerable ground for a life of regret.
And staying stuck.
And believing it’s because “no one gets me.”
Or “I’m just totally misunderstood.”
Or “It’s all the fault of that unfortunate life event and the people involved.”
We start organizing our worldview around being wronged.
That counterfeit moral high ground that quietly imprisons us there.
Separated from…
Our creativity…
Our greatness within…
Our unlimited potential…
And God’s great purpose for our lives.
2. What Does Resentment Do to Our Brain?
The neuroscience of resentment overlaps with studies on rumination and chronic stress.
Functional MRI research (published in Frontiers in Psychology in 2021) shows that when humans “replay” unfair events, the amygdala, anterior cingulate cortex, and insula light up as if the injustice is occurring at that very moment … in real time.
Meanwhile, activity in the prefrontal cortex (responsible for regulation, empathy, and flexible thinking) drops down to almost nothing!
(I’ve heard people say…why pray? Maybe because it rewires the brain for hope. For peace. For joy. For vision. For what God wants for you/me/we. Research confirms that prayer changes our brains. That’s called neuroplasticity!)
That neural pattern (limbic dominance with prefrontal suppression) helps explain why resentment distorts perspective and perception.
Resentment thrives on unforgiving rumination.
We literally lose access to nuance and compassion under its influence.
The brain’s circuitry becomes trained to live for self‑justification rather than resolution.
It cannot even conceive resolution.
The answer instead?
Lash out … as if to offenders decades ago on to the person in your presence.
Punish … to keep people on high alert, feeling more in control.
Pout … to keep the goal of the gold medal in victimhood the target.
Or stay chained to the misery this process brings.
Chronic resentment also correlates with sustained hypothalamic‑pituitary‑adrenal (HPA) axis activation.
In fire hose mode!
Studies on long‑term anger and hostility (published in Psychosomatic Medicine) show elevated cortisol and inflammatory markers lasting hours beyond the triggering thought.
Each rehearsal of any part of the unfortunate life events and those involved … initiates a new fire hosing of those stress hormonal responses.
Stress hormones cause inflammation.
AND…it’s inflammation that kills us!
If you carry resentments, you likely do not see these patterns in yourself.
To you … they are the “norm.”
Just as familiar and automatic as breathing.
It may be toxic … but justification (to you) feels good.
Those repeated neuron and neurohormonal activations strengthen the emotional memory through what we call the Hebbian principle.
In every day language, we explain it like this: “neurons that fire together wire together”.
That’s why forgiveness is difficult without processing the unfortunate life events.
Why?
Our primitive nervous system perceives releasing it or forgiving it as unsafe.
That “letting it go” makes you not only vulnerable to harboring its reoccurrence … but might even invite it!
Because the resentment loop has become
the one thing the person with resentment can control …
-The sickness feels like the cure.
-The darkness looks like light.
-No is yes and yes is no.
-What I want is what I want because it makes me feel like it does.
Does that sound silly?
Stupid?
Maybe to someone not struggling with resentment.
If you know or love someone who lives in this cycle.
Or in this destructive rehearsal mode,
hopefully this can help you extend grace.
To understand that they’re literally not in their “right minds” when doing this. Because parts of their brains are shut down.
What can you do?
More on that in a later blog.
But in the meantime, extending grace and gentle encouragement to work through the issues is the greatest gift you can give.
3. How Does Resentment Affect Our Lives and Relationships?
When resentment becomes the brain’s background noise,
it colors every interaction of every day.
With every human, even with ourselves.
You may still love, collaborate, or parent —
but beneath the surface runs an unrealized calculation:
“Will they do to me what was done before?”
And any little insignificant thing can answer that question with an absolute resounding YES!
And you, or anyone else in the vicinity, become the target of what was unresolved.
That expectation of betrayal/injustice subtly shapes …
The tone we speak with…
Our body language…
Our facial expressions…
Our perspectives and perceptions.
Mirror‑neuron research reveals that as humans, we attune not as much to words as to micro‑expressions, emotional tones, and intensity.
What does that mean?
Even unspoken resentment transmits.
In spades!
The people around us feel our defensive stance and (in turn) feel unsafe.
So, the cycle repeats.
On a personal level, resentment severely narrows
the emotional bandwidth available for joy and connection.
And constricts the tolerance for intimacy severely.
Often extinguishing connection and camaraderie in the relationship.
The limbic system can’t sustain chronic threat activation and deep bonding at the same time.
The ongoing rehearsals of the unfortunate life events take precedence over bonding … resulting in two lonely people.
The ability of our neurochemistry to dispense oxytocin and dopamine … the chemistries of love, trust, openness, and connection … decline to a drip.
This is why long‑term resentment erodes intimacy: the brain prioritizes protection over pleasure.
Many people harboring resentment can only override that neurochemistry in a moment of sex…but the connection evaporates quickly.
As psychologists, we call this affective forecasting error … we assume nursing resentment protects us from future harm, but it actually predicts and attracts it.
We walk into new relationships using old circuitry.
Then our brain searches for familiar dynamics to match its existing script. And the other person is guilty as charged.
With no idea this dynamic is occurring.
The saddest cost is this.
Resentment keeps us loyal to the injury rather than to our own growth … or certainly rather than being vulnerable to intimacy.
Until healing of resentments occurs through emotional processing, forgiveness work, and/or nervous‑system regulation — the past remains in control.
Because it is neurologically present.
And our brain knows no different.
Remember … this is not a plan that anyone has devised.
It’s a cycle that’s out of our awareness.
I began writing this part of the series for the man who made the statements to me in the beginning of this blog.
Hoping for him, it will bring awareness.
That he is not a bad human.
That he is simply being held captive unaware.
Losing out on the greatness within him.
Within his marriage.
Within his family.
Hopefully throwing out a lifeline to him and others like him.
To know that all those great things are still within him.
If you are one of those people, please accept the lifeline.
Please DO the work in the steps I will lay out for healing in upcoming blogs.
You deserve that … and the peace and fulfillment it’ll bring.
*****
Resentment feels righteous.
But physiologically it’s recycling old pain.
Don’t misunderstand.
I’m not saying those things never happened to you.
I’m sure/I know they did.
I’m not saying that you were not hurt, deeply affected.
I’m sure you were.
But I am saying … each rehearsal or replay engrains the pattern deeper into neural prediction models and hormonal rhythms.
Healing, processing, forgiving, and closure aren’t moral weaknesses.
They’re neurological liberation — a release and freedom to your body, heart, mind, and spirit that the threat has passed.
AA understood this decades before brain imaging existed.
Dr. Bill’s wisdom wasn’t just spiritual; it was somatic.
His teaching was to clear up and clean up resentment because a nervous system can’t build a new life while it’s still rehearsing an old one.
When we stop “re‑feeling” what’s done and gone, the brain stops confusing the past with the present.
That’s when new futures — new identities — finally have room to bloom.
I hope you will follow me over the next few weeks while we do the work to design a new identity and the life that you’ll love!
An ancient and sacred truth:
“If any person be in Christ, they’re new creation, old things are passed away behold all life becomes new.”