“I’ve destroyed my relationship,” my client said as he wept.
“I guess she just wants someone perfect who will tolerate her emotions, so I’m out!” another client seethed.
“I don’t know why I get so dysregulated and say such awful things to him, but I can’t bear to look at one more thing wrong with me,” a third client confessed reluctantly.
All three dealing with the basic issue but coming at it from different places.
What is the issue? Anger? Frustration? Or a brain blip?
What if I told you that they answer was: ALL THREE?
Hang tight with me. I want to explain some brain neurochemistry in a way that you can understand it …
So that you can see the power of the brain in these moments, and our internal battle with it.
And so that the person on the receiving end of it can understand what’s happening … and perhaps develop some understanding. (Although it’s not an excuse for any kind of abuse, whether verbal, emotional, mental … and certainly there is NO EXCUSE for ANY kind of physical abuse.)
Let’s look at this together.
There is a cluster of neurons (brain cells) called the ventromedial hypothalamus (VMH).
I promise to never use that work again – but instead to use VMH. And I’ll help you remember what it is by giving the VMH another acronym: Very Mad Human, or Very Moody Human. If you think of it like that, you will follow this more easily!
The VMH are cells in the brain … the numbers of these cells are few, but powerful.
As a matter of fact, there are about 1500 of them in each side of the brain, making a total of 3000.
To put that in perspective, there are about 86 billion neurons (nerve cells) in the brain, but these VMH neurons, when activated, can wreak havoc on all 86 billion, not to mention how it affects our relationships.
Here’s what happens.
Our amygdala (almond shaped behind our forehead in the center of our brain) is our “radar for threat or danger.” When it suspects threat, it then sends an alarm to the VMH …
Remember that’s a Very Mad (or Moody) Human …
The VMH then responds with preparing to fight or defend.
It all occurs in a matter of seconds.
The problem?
The amygdala responds even to one’s “imagined”, “fabricated”, “this is too vulnerable”, or “I might be found out” thoughts.
Game on.
We know from research that the minute VMH is activated, it is accompanied with aggression. That aggression could show up mentally, verbally, or physically.
The moment that the VMH is activated, dysregulation occurs. One is no longer thinking from their prefrontal cortex.
Emotion and reaction are in the driver’s seat.
The tongue is activated as a sword.
This information is not to release the person who is “slicing and dicing” with their tongue from responsibility. But for them and those around them to understand … their brain (with the VMH) has hijacked the person you otherwise know as calm … into a person you may not recognize.
We all used to say: “The devil made me do it …”
Pretty sad to say … sometimes, we could literally say “our brain makes us do it!”
But we can be … and should be … in control of our brains. (More on that in a later blog … on how and why VMH gets programmed and what we can do about it …)
For those with VMH that leaks all the time, or that has fire hydrant releases … we must understand that sometimes we hurt people we love when in this mode.
Not because we want to, but because VMH hijacks the moment.
That VMH hijack might be useful if you’re facing danger, like if your house is on fire.
But in arguments or disagreements in a significant relationship, it makes us snap — often before we even have time to think or realize what we’re doing.
Then you go “off” … in one way or another. Without realizing it (but now that you know, you are no longer off the hook)!
Then … because of our programming … we do what the VMH inspires (which is not inspiring at all)! And this is why we fail to register the damage done to ourselves and others.
The truth is: until we can regulate our brains again, we’re often unaware we’ve even hurt others. Much less how we are hurting ourselves. But the science also shows we can learn to recognize and do the repairs needed (and deserved) after a MVH hijack.
Let’s begin to unfold what can be done.
In the introduction, there were 3 VMH hijacks going on.
In case #1, there was a deep realization of what his VMH had cost him.
In case #2, his defensiveness was causing him to project fault on his spouse. (Which is dangerous, because his defensiveness was keeping the VMH flowing).
In case #3, her shame was preventing her from taking ownership.
All three can be resolved … but must all three steps MUST be followed if they desire and are willing to repair their relationships.
- You must regulate before you can repair.
In case #2 of my introduction, where the client had stated: “I guess she just wants someone perfect who will tolerate her emotions, so I’m out!” …
He was clearly not yet regulated. He was still projecting blame instead of examining what his VMH had done.
You must realize that when your VMH is activated, the prefrontal cortex (PFC) — the part of the brain right behind your forehead that helps with impulse control and empathy — goes temporarily offline.
We’ll give PFC a new acronym too: Pretty Fine Communication. That’s what the PFC helps us do!
Without PFC input, we act before thinking.
We say things before thinking.
We text before thinking.
When we should be taking a pause to calm our VMH … that will just dig the hole deeper, as my client was doing.
Research done by a neuroscientist Richard Davidson (at the University of Wisconsin) found evidence that when this PFC–amygdala connection becomes weak, limbic circuits like the VMH dominates.
He found that this imbalance is a prelude to aggression, because the “thinking brain” has lost its footing to the “alarm brain.”
This is why you MUST regulate first.
How do we regulate:
- Slow breathing. 5-10-15 breathing. Inhale through your nose to the count 5. Hold it to the count of 10, exhale through your mouth to the count of 15. Do this three times. Then breathe normally for about 3 minutes. Repeat until you feel a calming sensation.
- Grounding exercises. Identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
- Get some sun. Go out for a brisk walk. Enjoy the outdoors. Notice 10 miracles of nature while out walking. (Weeds emerging through concrete, flowers, beautiful clouds.)
- Take a gratitude break. Journal 10 things you have to be grateful for in your life. Better yet, close your eyes and remember something you are grateful for. Take a journey back to the moment. Remember what you hear, saw, felt, experienced. Take it in!
Calming your body literally gives your PFC a chance to come back online, making repair possible.
I had my client do several of these things in my office, despite his resistance. (Everyone hyped up on VMH will be a bit resistant).
It was clear to me that it was effective, as his breathing slowed, his facial expressions softened, and his body language relaxed.
By that time, we were able to discuss what could have triggered his wife’s emotions … and he was able to experience at least a moment of empathy.
Learn to accept that you need to regulate yourself. For your sake, for your spouse’s (or whoever’s) sake. For the relationship’s sake.
Not to mention that we tap back into the best parts of ourselves!
- Now you can allow your brain to assess the damage of your VMH moment(s).
Once calmer, the PFC regains strength over the VMH and amygdala.
This shift allows you to mentally replay the interaction and imagine the other person’s experience.
This is NOT about assigning blame. There is no gain to be had in that.
It is about reflecting on how your VMH hijacked you. What things you said and did that you are proud of, along with what things you are not proud of.
Neuroscientists call this mentalizing, and it relies on prefrontal and midline cortical circuits (Frith & Frith, 2006). When we mentalize, we are able to ascertain the potential thoughts and feelings of others in reaction to our behaviors, words, and choices.
Functional MRI studies show that when people reflect on conflict afterward, the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and medial PFC become active — and both of those are responsible for making us able to learn from our mistakes.
These regions of our brains remain in the backseat until we are regulated. Until they are activated, we remain locked in defense mode.
However, when we are engaging those two parts of our brains, we are able to ask ourselves valuable questions, such as:
- If I were them, how would my words/actions have landed?
- How could my words/actions have affected them?
- How do I feel about realizing that my words/actions may have had such an impact?”
My client #1 who had stated through tears: “I’ve destroyed my relationship” was able to ask himself these questions and take ownership in what looked like destruction.
By activating these two parts of his brain, he was not only able to take responsibility, but to also tap into empathy for the impact it had had on her.
Will the relationship be saved? That is yet to be seen. But as he continues to address his VMH and demonstrate understanding and empathy, the possibilities are hopeful!
- Lay down the shame and the “excuse” it provides.
The hardest part of moving toward repair is the shame wall. After an outburst, many don’t and/or won’t repair.
Not because they don’t care.
But because their shame is overwhelming.
It may not look like that to an outsider looking in. It may look like pride.
And it may very well look like defensiveness.
Which is what was happening with case #3 in my introduction when she stated: “I don’t know why I get so dysregulated and say such awful things to him, but I can’t bear to look at one more thing wrong with me.”
She was so ashamed of how she acted and what she said that she would rather leave the relationship than make the repair.
These people often leave temporarily or permanently.
And of course, the partner is reeling with the pain of the aggression (directed by VMN) and now by abandonment and rejection.
It may appear that the person leaving doesn’t care what they’ve done to you … when the truth is that the shame is eating them alive.
They would rather sabotage another relationship and start over than to have to face their shame.
Of course, this is not conscious. It’s all a part of trauma programming.
(Which is why we have overactive VMH to start with … but that’s for another blog).
Neuroimaging explains this well.. The insula and anterior cingulate light up during shame. When these two parts of our brain are active … they become partners in crime … and drive us to:
- This could be shutting down, refusing eye contact, or actually leaving.
- This could be in minimizing other’s responses, explaining, justifying, or blaming.
- Our thinking processes are shut down and we are literally paralyzed mentally and emotionally.
- This could be anything to take the focus off of the shame.
Thankfully, research offers a way through this.
A famous UCLA study (Lieberman et al., 2007) found that when people labeled their feelings with words — even something as simple as saying “I feel ashamed” — there was a reduction in shame.
The activity in the amygdala dropped, meaning it turned off the loud siren alarm.
The prefrontal cortex (PFC) lit up. Meaning you can actually think straight (Pretty Fine Communication) and begin to dilute the VMH (Very Mad / Moody Human).
In other words, naming emotions actually calms the threat system and engages the “thinking/feeling brain.”
By putting our feelings into words, we reduce shame’s sting and open space for responsibility.
Did you know that you can transform shame into connection with just a few words?
Something like, “I snapped, I felt cornered, and I regret it.”
Those few words take the fire out of the shame burning within.
Immediately, repair becomes not just possible, but very healing.
When my client was able to say these things to her husband, he reached for her and embraced her.
That, too, is a soothing salve for shame!
***
You can do this!
So much of verbal aggression isn’t about intent — it’s about the brain’s alarm systems hijacking us.
The VMH and amygdala flood us with survival responses, the PFC goes offline, and shame walls us off from repair.
But the same science shows a path forward:
Regulate the body so the PFC can come back online (Davidson et al., 2000).
Reflect to activate empathy circuits to help us assess the damage.
Name and move through shame so the amygdala quietens and responsibility feels possible (Lieberman et al., 2007).
Every choice to regulate, reflect, and repair strengthens new pathways in your brain.
You are not bad.
You are not broken
You’re human.
With practice, you can transform explosive moments into opportunities for deeper trust and resilience.