“My boss said some really harsh and derogatory things to me and my team this past week. He’s known for that.”
She paused I waited.
“Normally, it would have spiraled me into deep hurt, shame, and despair.
This time, it stung …
But it didn’t blow my emotional house down.”
It’s moments like this that I live for; I waited as she gathered more thoughts.
“I’m wondering if the deep work I’m doing in the experiential exercises is altering how I deal with things?”
I smiled and nodded.
“YES!”
She was beginning to experience what I hope for every person I have the privilege of working with. Because doing transformational work doesn’t change what life deals out to us.
People will still be people.
Circumstances will still present challenges.
People we love will disappoint us.
Someone may even say, something cruel.
Plans will fall apart.
Loss will still hurt.
Life will continue to happen.
But when something deep within us changes, life begins to land differently.
We don’t become invincible.
We don’t stop caring about what people say or what happens to us.
We don’t become emotional robots who never feel hurt, disappointment, anger, or grief.
But something shifts.
Our perceptions begin to change.
Our interpretations begin to change.
Our priorities begin to reorganize.
And things that once had the power to knock down our entire emotional house may still rattle the windows … but the house stands!
Life will huff and puff … but will no longer blow your house down!
So, the answer to my client was: “YES!”
After I said that, I could see her processing it. For a moment, she wasn’t really with me anymore. I sat quietly and allowed her to go. She was somewhere inside herself, doing a little inventory.
Then I saw a slight smile.
Her face softened.
Her shoulders relaxed.
And that peaceful expression seemed to travel through her entire body.
A moment later, she came back to me. She looked at me curiously and paused. “Why didn’t you tell me all this would happen?” Another pause.
Then, teasing me: “It’s like you undersold me!”
I had to laugh.
But there’s actually’a reason I couldn’t have told her exactly what would happen. Because transformation isn’t me deciding WHO someone should become.
It isn’t me deciding WHAT their life should look like. And it certainly isn’t my desire to create a bunch of little versions of “me” running around in the world. (God forbid … that might be dangerous!)
Whether someone comes to see me in my practice or attends one of my workshops …
Whether they arrive in crisis or simply know somewhere deep inside:
There has to be MORE than this …
Whether they are young or old …
I know how to help them begin the journey.
I know how to provide a path for healing and transformation.
I know how to help them uncover what trauma, disappointment, loss, fear, or simply years of surviving may have buried.
Perhaps most important … I know how to help them listen again for the song within them waiting to be sung.
But I cannot tell them exactly what they will discover. Because it’s THEIR song.
And perhaps now you understand why I’ve been writing so much about a bridge. A bridge doesn’t change the world on the other side. It changes our ability to cross it.
Does the bridge stop difficult people from saying difficult things?
NO.
Does it guarantee that circumstances will cooperate with us?
NO.
Does it stop loss, disappointment, uncertainty, or pain from finding us?
NO.
But can crossing that bridge change the internal architecture of our hard drive (the brain) and our heart drive (our emotional home)? YES. ABSOLUTELY YES!
And that, my friend, completely changes how we walk through what life brings.
My client liked that response but wanted to know more about how all of that happens.
As I explained those things to her, I thought it might be helpful for you too. So here they are …
1. WHEN WE TRANSFORM THE WIRING ON OUR HARD DRIVE, WE BECOME MORE RESILIENT.
Our brains are extraordinary and expert pattern-making machines.
All of our life’s experiences … especially painful ones … can teach the brain what to expect, what to fear, what something means about us, and how quickly we need to react.
All of this occurs outside our awareness. But that doesn’t prevent the programming from taking place … or for those things to become captain of the ship driving our lives.
That’s why one harsh comment can sometimes become so much more
than one harsh comment.
It can collide with every old message already stored on our hard drive:
I’m not good enough.
I’ve failed.
I’m not safe.
Something must be wrong with me.
The beauty of transformation is that it begins changing those old patterns.
So, the hurtful comment may still hurt.
But after transformation, it no longer gets the privilege of automatically piling up the evidence and rendering the verdict of our lives as something other than the truth of all we are and can become!
It becomes an event … no longer defining our identity. Or our destiny.
And that’s resilience! Bounce back trampoline style!
Transformation (with work and time) mute and dull what used to dismantle us and keep us from being present and from a future rich in hope.
2. WHEN WE TRANSFORM OUR EMOTIONAL HOME, WE HAVE GREATER RESOURCES TO WEATHER THE STORMS OF LIFE.
We all have emotions that have been so deeply installed that they’re what we naturally return to. They get installed in life’s “less than ideal moments” and become “familiar territory” that draws us back like a magnet. Even if we don’t desire to go there.
That’s how we settle and stop growing – which is a rut … or as someone has said, “A rut is a grave with both sends kicked out.”
For some, it’s anxiety.
For others, shame.
Anger.
Fear.
Hopelessness.
For some, it’s awful combinations of those.
Again, we don’t go there because we want to live there. But because life taught us the address. Our “home” address.
Deep transformational work helps us build a different emotional home.
We get to choose a new home decorated with things like:
Peace.
Joy.
Determination.
Faith.
Hope.
Gratitude.
So, when the storm comes … (and spoiler alert: storms WILL come) …
we have somewhere healthier to return. The storm can visit but we don’t set up camp in the storm. It is no longer our permanent address.
We have the emotional resources to walk THROUGH the valley (even when it feels like the shadow of death!)
3. WHEN WE’RE IN TOUCH WITH THE SONG WITHIN US, IT SINGS LOUDER THAN THE NOISES OF LIFE.
This may be my favorite part.
Because there comes a point in healing when life stops being primarily about what happened to us.
I love what Tony Robbins teaches about this …
“What if life is happening for you, not to you? Every setback, every failure, every heartbreak may have been shaping you into someone stronger, wiser, and more capable than you ever imagined.”
We can all begin asking something different, something better:
What is in me now?
What wants to grow in me?
What was buried that I need to go back and get?
What am I here to give?
When we begin asking those kinds of questions … eventually, the voices that once defined us begin losing volume.
Not because the world suddenly becomes quiet. But because our song becomes louder than the noise.
My client’s boss didn’t change that week. Her workplace didn’t magically transform. Life didn’t suddenly become easier.
SHE HAD CHANGED.
And because she changed, something that once could have blown down her emotional house … couldn’t anymore. It no longer held that power.
Did it sting?
Yes!
She felt it.
And then she remained standing.
Perhaps that’s one of the greatest misconceptions we have about healing.
We think we’ll know we’re healed when life finally stops hurting.
I don’t believe that’s the measure.
Maybe we know transformation is happening when life can hurt …
without taking us down with it!
*****
And if you’re reading this thinking:
I want that.
I’ve healed a lot, but I know there’s still MORE in me.
I’m tired of simply recovering from life. I want to become fully alive in it.
Then please keep walking with me.
Because I’ve been building something for you.
It’s called:
CREATED FOR MORE
THE TRANSFORMATION EXPERIENCE
Not more things in your life.
More LIFE in your life.
And soon, I’m going to invite you to cross that bridge with me.
Because unfortunate life events, trauma, pain, shame and disappointment didn’t destroy what was inside you.
It buried it. And if it was buried … we can resurrect it.
That’s the bridge I’ve been telling you about.
On the other side isn’t a life where nothing hurts.
It’s something far better. YOU … fully alive. Becoming who you were created to be. Singing your song with joy and confidence.
And then watching something extraordinary happen …
Your song begins calling forth the song in someone else.
That’s the other side.
And I intend to help as many people as I possibly can cross that bridge.
I’ll be there. Will you join me?