“I know he’s doing his exercises … but how do I hang on in the meantime? I’m so weary!”
It was a valid question from my client’s wife that I’ve been writing about over the past few weeks as we’ve looked at transitioning from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.
It’s a question I hear often. Or some similar version of it.
Whether it’s a spouse or a significant other of someone stuck in a fixed mindset … or whether it’s a struggle involving coworkers, parents and kids (or adult kids), siblings, friends.
Although I’m writing about this from the perspective of marriage or significant relationships; everything I say holds true for all relationships where one has a growth mindset, the other is stuck in a fixed mindset.
As I’ve mentioned several times in the series, you’ll find many who write about the spectrum of the fixed to growth mindset … and say there’s no good nor bad … no right nor wrong.
But consider this.
ANYONE who’s ever transformed their life … had to change their mindset.
Or in other words … the way they saw and processed life!
Personally, I think that’s a disservice to anyone in a fixed mindset. No, I don’t believe they are “bad” … I believe they’re programmed to be in a fixed mindset.
But the law of creation, the law of nature, the law of the universe is this; things are either growing or dying.
When someone is stuck in a fixed mindset …
-Their potential is dying.
-Their relationships are dying.
-Many times … their finances are dying.
-Their faith and belief in what’s possible are dying too.
And in good conscience, I could never say that’s the best for any one. Because it’s not.
Let me also repeat this: people do not choose their mind set.
Read that again.
‘U’ didn’t choose your mindset.
It is set by…
-Parents…
-Caregivers…
-Coaches…
-Teachers…
-People who had significant influence on our lives.
Our mindset is fairly well installed in ‘cerebral-concrete’ before we start first grade.
However, thanks to neuroplasticity, we can change it!
The ONLY kind of work that changes EVERYTHING!
I’ve spent the past few weeks writing about how to begin the transition from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.
Or if you’re already in a growth mindset, how to catapult you further in that direction.
But when my client’s wife came in, to share her struggle with me, I had to admit that she was not the only person on the other side of the relationship that I’d heard from.
I had heard from coaches, teachers, spouses, siblings, neighbors, etc. All who were at the end of their rope.
I knew I needed to pause the process here and to speak to the person who’s further on the spectrum toward the growth end.
Especially when they are in relationship with someone further toward the fixed end.
The “rub” or challenge does not come if one is further ahead on the spectrum toward growth than the other.
The real challenges arise when one is moving toward growth and the other is moving further into a fixed mindset.
It sets up for a natural tug of war in relationship.
For the person in a fixed mindset, here’s what’s going on in their brain: “Us just being us … to us, feels normal … to us, but to everyone else it’s us being the negative, hard to read, unpredictable us.”
“And after a while people close to us either walk on egg shells, avoid us, or say all the right things to appease our bent towards us … just being us.”
All that rhetoric and protection of self is really fear of changing or fear of the work it’ll take to do so.
Negativity is rooted in a self-absorbed fixed mindset.
“It’s us being … us … and the world misunderstanding us.”
Nobody can grow stuck in this kind of brain.
“Oh … it’s a tug-of-war alright!” my client’s wife affirmed.
“It’s like we each have an end of the rope, tied around our waists.
Facing away from one another.
I’m trying to climb up to higher places…
out of the mud hole of HIS negativity…
HE drug me into…
with his moaning, groaning, complaining, paranoia about every worst scenario that is yet to come, Murphy’s law predictions, negative BS.”
I nodded with empathy.
“It’s like he can’t stand it that I have faith, I believe great things are possible … I’m trying to grow and become better!”
I understood.
“But if he glances around and sees me all muddy … he thinks it’s funny. I feel so disrespected, so alone!”
The crack in her voice and the redness in her eyes said everything else.
Quietly, I assured her we could work together and see progress.
“Half the battle is done. I know from him, that you sent him, because you were ‘at the end of your rope.’ However, I think you’d say you were at the end of ‘his rope’ … being drug into the mud!” I validated.
She nodded affirmatively with a passion!
“Half of the battle done,” I assured her. “Although it was a full-blown rodeo, he has acknowledged that he’s stuck in a fixed mindset, but he’s at least beginning to do the work.”
I sensed she was opening up.
So, I paused and shared this.
“And I think the things I’d like to share with you will help strengthen you … and give you a little time to get the mud out of your hair while he shifts gears toward the growth mindset side away from the mud hole!”
Whether you’re on the fixed mindset side of the mud hole, or the growth mindset … I hope you’ll read what I’m sharing this week with an open mind and an open heart!
My belief and clinical experience of well over 2 decades, has shown me, that the beauty of moving in the same direction towards a growth mindset, is something that most people never experience!
Whether it’s your marriage, another family relationship, or a work relationship … I believe this will be ultra beneficial for you!
Don’t do this work for others to think differently of you.
Do the work to think differently about you.
And to begin to grow … and become YOUR BEST!
The part of you that you’ll be proud of!
1. Here’s what it looks like when partners are moving in opposite directions in their mindsets (with a mud hole in the middle)!
First of all, it’s a gut wrencher.
Because each one is on high alert all the time.
Fighting to pull in the opposite direction.
Not necessarily because they are at war with their partner.
But so they don’t end up in the mud hole.
My client’s wife nodded in complete agreement.
Her husband (who I’d invited to join us to go through these 3 things together) tucked his head with shame and nodded as well.
Let’s get more specific.
The partner moving toward a fixed mindset feels the tug of war.
And at that moment, they shut down all curiosity.
All creative thinking.
And reach for certainty and comfort. OR (Us being us, me being me, blah blah blah …)
The partner who’s reaching for the growth mindset is constantly self-reflecting, and trying to make positive change that’ll make a difference.
However, their energy gets distracted when they feel like they’re losing their footing and being pulled toward the mud hole.
Research conducted by Dr. Carol Dweck showed that when the relationship is stressed, the one with the fixed mindset begins to doubt if the relationship is “meant to be.”
Because their belief is usually something like “it shouldn’t be this hard.” Or … “You mean love takes work?”
This often begins a spiraling negative thought process about the relationship.
It sets the reticular activating system (RAS) in the brain into search mode for everything that’s wrong with the relationship. And with their partner.
This inevitably leads to entertaining thoughts about an “exit”. Maybe not divorce. Maybe not even leaving physically. But an emotional exit. Abandoning any connection .
The person with the growth mindset views conflict as an open door to improve themselves, resolve things, and work through it together … creating even deeper intimacy.
“THAT IS US!” my client’s wife gasped.
Another nod from him.
Accompanied with a shame-laden face.
Let’s look at some other dynamics of the relationship.
Just some examples:
· In the face of conflict, the fixed mindset says it shouldn’t be so hard, so maybe it wasn’t meant to be. The growth mindset says that it’s an opportunity to join hands as a team and work through it.
· In conversations about seeking help (counseling, coaching, marriage workshops, etc.) the fixed mindset says it isn’t that bad, or it probably wouldn’t help. The growth mindset believes that a more objective person could provide insight and offer tools.
· After a fight, regrettable incident, betrayal (or affair), the fixed mindset makes excuses, defends, or threatens to leave. The growth mindset sees it as an opportunity to grow, heal, and become even more intimately connected.
I also shared a chart with them so that they could see what occurs in the brains of each of them.
The husband asked if I developed the chart just for him.
Teasingly, I told him that I did. And was considering publishing it on social media and thanking him publicly for the examples.
The terror in his eyes, along with his wife’s hysterical laughter, gave us a great moment to break the heaviness that often comes with truth.
I reminded him, as I’d like to remind you:
You did not choose your mindset.
It’s not your fault.
It’s not a character flaw.
We now know this to be the truth.
We’ve lived long enough in technological advances.
We’ve reached a time when we can actually see our thoughts.
On a screen.
Science is confirming that what I’m saying is factual.
Where we came from …
Formed our mindset …
Before we needed one …
Or knew what one was …
And no one asked our opinion!
I said to him as I’ll say to you:
“But now that you know …
It’s your responsibility to do something about it …
Because I don’t really believe your desire is to keep the tug of war going …
And dragging your wife into the mud!”
This is not a sustainable dynamic.
It’s destructive to both parties.
Research actually shows that there’s a better relationship with both going toward a fixed mindset (not a healthy direction) than when they’re headed in opposite directions.
However, those going in opposite directions …
That join hands …
And make a FIRM commitment …
To go toward the growth mindset together …
Have stronger and richer relationships …
Than those who’ve always been moving toward growth together.
2. How to begin moving in the same direction – toward a growth mindset.
“You can invite someone to join you in a growth mindset, and hopefully they will. But you can’t force them to do so … and if you try … they’ll ‘run Forrest run’ to the far reaches of a fixed mindset or ‘them being them’,” I explained.
The wife nodded, and added a hearty: “I know that’s right!”
To which he nodded with a passion.
She shared, “I know I didn’t do this right a lot of the time. But I just saw who he really was inside. I knew he was stuck his ‘past life.’ It was holding him back. I truly only wanted the best for him.”
He lovingly nodded as she continued.
“In the beginning I’d talk to him about it and invite him. I’d ask him to read things with me, but he was more interested in sports. I’d ask him to watch a video with me and he would yawn and show disinterest.”
“I know I probably did it all wrong plenty of times …”
I asked curiously, “How did you get him to come in for an appointment to address this with me?”
She smiled, and her chin quivered as she said, “It was one of those nights that he was vulnerable … talking about how his life was amounting to nothing … I was able to assure him I saw the BEST in him and wanted to help him. And that when he was ready, I had some thoughts.”
She paused to regroup and then continued.
“A few days later, to my surprise, he asked about my thoughts.”
He smiled as she continued: “I read him something from one of your blogs about it not being his fault … and that he deserved to heal. Then he asked to read the whole thing. That’s when he reached out to you.”
I jumped in and informed them: “Well, that’s actually the first thing people can do to begin moving in the same direction … provide enough safety, compassion, and respect to have the heart-to-heart conversation!”
The “polyvalgal theory” (developed by Stephen Porge) said that our bodies must transition into parasympathetic mode, balancing out elevated stress hormone levels, before our PFC (prefrontal cortex, which I call our Pretty Fine Communicator) can have respectful, reflective interactions.
Once you’ve had that conversation, you can begin the second thing to make the shift together by doing the coregulation exercise I wrote about a couple of blogs ago.
You can download the exercise here: (ICLICK HERE).
Do that exercise together at least 3 times weekly, and you’ll find yourself on the same end of the rope … no more tug of war.
Once you’ve done that exercise at least 2 or 3 times, you can add a third thing to secure the shift toward growth mindset together. Have a conversation to identify and name your “old pattern.”
Things like “tug of war with each of us on the opposite end of the rope and a mud hole in the middle.”
Or “race cars side by side, one in reverse and one in 4th gear … trying to have a side-by-side conversation.”
Have fun with it!
Then name 1-3 insights you have seen about yourself, or your part in the dynamic.
Have those conversations regularly … at least 1 time weekly.
But the more often, the quicker you’ll sync up as wonderful/supportive partners.
At the end of each of those conversations,
express gratitude for the growth you’ve seen in the other,
and for good outcomes and benefits
you’re seeing in the relationship.
Finally, get in the habit of spending 10 – 20 minutes daily, just asking: “How is/was your heart today?”
Meaning you’re not just interested in their list of activities.
You want to know how they felt about them, what they experienced.
Week after week, I share my whole heart and professional training with you.
Free.
Asking you to do an exercise or two.
Some do them.
Some probably negotiate with themselves: “Yeah but will it work?”
The answer?
No.
Not unless you DO them.
As long as you give no effort, the results will forever remain the same.
No effort = no change.
No change = no hope.
No hope = settling.
Be intentional.
Turn off your electronics (or other distractions).
REALLY listen.
Get to know your partner again.
I would highly recommend that you go to the APP store and search for and download “Gottman Card Decks.”
They’re free … they provide great questions for this 10-20 minute check in.
Use the Love Map deck, or Open-Ended Questions deck,
or the Rituals of Connection deck.
“I would’ve laughed at you just weeks ago for suggesting something so dumb,” the husband confessed. “But now I know that’s part of the fixed mindset. I’ll not only do this … but I’ll initiate it!”
It was a beautiful moment!
3. Let’s bridge the gap and enjoy growing together!
“If you’re on opposite sides of the mud hole, pulling in opposite directions … the tug of war continues. But even when we have the miracle of growing in the same direction … it makes sense there is a gap,” I explained.
“But going in the same direction IS the miracle … and the gap can just create adventure if that’s what we invite it to do!”
(From my AA friend. “You don’t end up in an AA meeting because you think you know, you end up in an AA meeting because you don’t know and the challenge when you leave the meetings is not allowing your head to convince you all over again that you do. In the beginning of changing everything, surrender is a moment-by-moment choice. Change is too.”)
Both the husband and the wife nodded, obviously resonating with what I had shared.
“Bridging the gap … make it an adventure?” the husband asked with a grin. “Only you’d try to turn it to something good!”
We all laughed, and then I commented.
“That’s the wonder of a growth mindset!”
He grabbed his chest as if I had stabbed him.
Here are some extremely simple things … that if you’ll JUST DO THEM … will begin the adventure of bridging the gap:
· Go learn/ do something new together that you’ve never done. Take a cooking class together. Go to one of the art studios where you paint with a paint gun. Take a dance lesson together.
Experiencing something together (a novelty) activates the dopamine reward circuits, creating a sense of partnership and togetherness. Do it at least once weekly for a month. Trading places weekly on who chooses something new.
Then continue … but twice a month. One being responsible for the first two weeks of each month, the other being responsible to plan the second two weeks of each month.
· When there is any disharmony or disagreement, make a commitment to reaching for the other’s hands and saying a mantra you’ve created. Something like: “We are both smart people, we can join our brilliant brains and figure this out together!”
Practice it regularly!
· Each of you choose one night or morning of the week where you bring something that inspires growth. Any topic. It should be about 15-30 mins in length. Whether it is a video, something you read together or watch together.
Then each of you share what it spoke to you personally.
Some couples use church services or public speeches they attend
together to fulfill this exercise. This is important because it invites
vulnerability, accountability, and connection.
All 3 of these things bridge the gap … and bring you together.
Research reveals that these exercises not only bridge the gap,
but they also create greater…
-Relationship satisfaction…
-Less tension…
-Less arguing…
-A deeper sense of connection and intimacy…
-And stronger resiliency.
These exercises also create releases of oxytocin, the hormone that…
-Builds safety…
-Rebuilds trust…
-Creates strong bonds.
The husband shared, “You know, we had stopped sharing anything, going different directions in life. And I know it was because of me and my fixed mindset.”
He paused, and with sincerity said this, “It’s like getting to know one another again!”
She reached for his hand, and said, “I am so grateful! I’ve missed you!”
You will feel the same as you begin moving in the same direction.
And bridging the gap!
*****
Why settle for a fixed mindset that…
-Will never allow you to become your best?
-Will have negative impact on your relationships?
-Will leave you unfulfilled and wanting for more?
Why not become intentional?
And embrace a growth mindset.
That will call you forth to become your best?
That will fuel you to live your cause, your calling, your purpose?
That will make your relationships rich?
That will afford you an abundant life?
Let’s do this!
Together!