Symptoms of Disorganized Attachment Wounds as Adults: What Their Relationships Look Like

“I finally get it, but I did not choose these attachment wounds, or my attachment style. But why do I feel so much shame about them?” my client asked with almost the tone of a pleading little boy.

“I understand, totally,” I assured him. “Although my angel-like mother balanced out a lot of the horrific attachment wounds I got from my dad … I, too, felt tremendous shame as I recognized what they were and what had happened.”

“In my desperate search for answers and healing, I realized that the very thing that created any of the attachment wounds come laden with shame,” I explained.

“Research reveals that when we have less than ideal experiences with parents or any other caregivers, those wounds are normally delivered with an overdose of shame.”

I continued: “Unconsciously, parents and other caregivers actually quite often do the things that create wounds in order to relieve themselves of their own shame.”

I could see he was processing by the mixed expressions of relief and frustration on his face, so I waited.

With an intensity and a bit of sadness, he blurted out: “I really don’t want to let my parents off the hook for what they did, but I have to admit that when I think of who their parents were, I feel sorry for them just a little bit. And I’m sure they were indeed overflowing with shame.”

I paused because I could see there was more.

“And even though I hate what they did to me, I wouldn’t want anyone to feel the way that I have felt most of my life.”

I nodded empathetically and commented, “Remember this process is not about holding grudges or blaming our parents or caregivers. Neither is it about letting them off the hook. It’s about coming to an understanding of where our wounds came from so that we can heal them.”

“That often leads to a conversation about forgiveness. When we look at these things, I suggest to people that they make the decision to forgive from the very outset. But to understand that forgiveness is often a journey,” I explained.

“Knowing that forgiveness is not for those who wounded us … it’s for us. Because the unforgiveness keeps us bound to our wounds. That forgiveness is much easier to grant when we have done the healing on the wounds,” I stated.

“Is it acceptable for me to ask you if you forgave your dad for what he did to you?” my client asked innocently.

“Yes, it’s definitely acceptable. I made the decision to forgive him when I realized how wounded I was…”

“When I had done a considerable amount of work on my wounds, I did a forgiveness exercise on my own. Quite often, it’s something between us and God, and not something we need to involve our caregivers in. Because I believe something spiritual happens … and they feel it,” I shared.

“I had a beautiful experience years after that. My mother was a devout follower of God and had prayed for my dad for her whole life, even before they married.”

“One Sunday morning, much to her surprise, instead of getting dressed to go fishing, he got dressed for church and went with her. That morning, he gave his heart and life to Christ, and we all witnessed a miraculous change in him.”

“She could hardly wait to share it with me, and my heart was deeply warmed when I got the news!”

“About a year later, I went home for a visit. I arrived before my mom got home from her support group ‘the pap squad.’ (She had established it because she was a survivor of ovarian cancer in the latter stages and had refused chemo and opted to trust God to heal her.)”

“I walked into their home, and my dad was there in the kitchen, and said to me, ‘You wouldn’t want to sit down and talk to an old man that wasn’t a very great dad, would you’?”

“Forgiveness was already done, so I went in the kitchen and put my arms around him and told him that I would love to spend some time talking to him.”

“Other than lectures, he had never had a conversation with me in my whole life other than about business or fishing.”

“We sat there at the table while he wept and apologize for all the things he had done throughout my childhood and teenage years. For the first time in my life, he told me how proud he was of me.”

“When my mom walked in and saw tears streaming from both our eyes, she walked over quietly and put her arms around me and said… ‘Welcome home to the mother and daddy I always wanted you to have’!”

A tear or two escaped again as I shared the story … and many tears escaped my client’s eyes.

Saying what is needed and allowing others to do the same without our explanative comments when that door presents itself, is gateway to the miraculous!

You may or may not have the remarkable moment I experienced. But whether you have that or not, the healing of the wound is an amazing experience for all of us!

Let’s look at the symptoms of an adult with any of these attachment styles, and what their relationships look like … so we can turn those ashes into beauty!

Symptoms of adults with fearful or anxious attachment wounds and what their relationships look like.

“I already know you’re going to tell me that my picture is in the dictionary beside each of these!” my client confessed.

“Well, that’s OK with me,” I proclaimed… “As long as your picture shows up beside the words ‘healing the wounds’ in the dictionary as well!”

Adults with fearful or anxious attachment wounds, sometimes look clingy and need a lot of reassurance and approval from others.

Although someone with these attachment wounds will not have all these symptoms. Here are some of those that are common:

They become emotionally dysregulated, if not responded to in a fairly short amount of time
They need to be acknowledged for things they do and become anxious if they don’t receive it.
They crave intimacy but struggle to let it in for fear that it will disappear.
They are often jealous and/or suspicious.
They feel threatened when others want solo activities or time alone.
Some become people pleasers.
They may allow themselves to be treated with less respect than they deserve.
They experience tremendous emotional turmoil internally.
They may unconsciously sabotage the relationship.
They may feel “less than…”
They may idealize their partner and miss the others’ dysfunctional behaviors…resulting in tolerating more things than they should.

“It’s funny in a way…that in my marriage, I acted like I was better than, but I had almost all of those symptoms internally,” my client admitted.

“And I did the same at work. I mean, I was good to the people that worked for me, and most of them liked me,” he shared.

“But I did just enough to keep them guessing and keep them at arm’s length, thinking that that would somehow keep them from seeing how much I needed them to like and accept me,” he admitted.

“There is a healthy balance between recognizing when reassurance seeking is excessive and effectively asking to get your needs met by your partner. The reality is, you are more likely to find safety in a relationship if you are aware of your needs and explicitly share with your partner how to make you feel secure.”

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff.

Symptoms of adults with avoidant or dismissive attachment wounds and what their relationships look like.

“Last week when you used the words ‘normally it is caused by growing in a less than ideal environment, lacking much, if any nurturing’…I already knew I had that one!” my client declared.

“Neither of my parents would have known nurturing if it had bitten them in the butt!”

I had to laugh.

That, along with an unresponsive environment to a child’s needs, a stressful environment, or exposure to trauma, can all create this attachment style.

I asked my client, “How do you think this played out in your marriage?”

“Overall, I think it gave me an attitude toward my wife … that nothing she said was significant, every emotion she experienced I minimized, and if she wanted to deal with things, I was too busy…or became a grouch to make her want distance,” he shared.

“I’m not proud of any of that. To be honest until we started down this road, I was totally oblivious to the whole thing. But now I can see it clearly, and frankly, I’m ashamed of how I’ve treated her!”

It’s not unusual that people are unaware of their attachment style, much less how it played out in their marriage and other relationships.

All the things he mentioned are certainly symptoms of an adult with an avoidant attachment style.

Relationships with anyone with an avoidant attachment style are characterized by a measure of distance, and lack of full commitment and investment.

Here are some of the common symptoms:

Endearing statements, such as “I love you” are used sparingly and often conditionally.
They often use double negatives when speaking of the relationship. “It’s not that I don’t love you…”
They are fiercely protective of their independence.
They appear to be “one-man bands.”
They may go silent or stare when someone shares vulnerability with them.
They can and often do shut down any sharing of emotions.
They are somewhere between conflict avoidant and conflict adverse.
They often express discomfort with public displays of the relationship via photographs, social media, etc.
At the same time, they often prioritize social media, sports, and other interests over the relationship.
They firmly deny this, despite the evidence.
They often withdrawal from the relationship, saying they need some time to ‘think about things’. Sometimes that involves separation, sometimes just a trip, or sometimes doing things solo for a while.
They have devoted passions … to things such as sports, Netflix, reading, etc. They will fiercely protect and defend their time for these things.
Displays of physical affection may be rare, except for when wanting sexual intimacy.
They have a difficult time making firm decisions and commitments. When asked if they would like to go somewhere, the response likely contains many “if’s, but’s, or maybe’s.”
They often ignore bids for connection.
They frequently label the others’ normal needs as “being needy”.
They make normal requests from a partner seem pathological.

“Good grief! I’m worse than I thought,” my client commented after we discussed a list of some of the symptoms.

If you see yourself in this, I’d like to encourage you the same way I encouraged him.

No need to shame yourself for these things.

Recognize them, embrace them, and make a commitment to do whatever it takes to address them.

Change brings a bit, or sometimes a lot, of discomfort. But as we embrace the awkwardness of the frontiers of intimacy, watch for the change in others to be all the encouragement you’ll need to stay the course.

Not only is your partner lonely from being in a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style…but the person with it is lonely as well.

When they’re able to reach down and see the loneliness beneath the commitment for distance, healing begins.

The healing is certainly necessary for an intimate marriage, but it’s also necessary for anyone with this attachment style to thrive in life!

Symptoms of adults with fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment wounds and what their relationships look like.

“I am aware that because my anxious attachment style is so strong and my avoidant attachment style is so powerful … that I’m the lucky recipient of the award of having a disorganized attachment style,” my client said with great regret, while making a joke.

“I don’t mind owning it, but I have to admit that I googled it…and I know that healing from this one is a challenge.”

His silence and fixed gaze out the window told me he was processing.

He turned back with a smile and said timidly, “I guess if I had a healthy attachment style I would say I needed your reassurance that I could somehow find healing and become the husband I’d like to be.”

I was delighted to give him that reassurance, and I would like to provide it to you as well.

It does require a bit more intense work, but those who are willing to engage in the work, have no more trouble healing this attachment than any of the others.

The relationships of people with avoidant attachment wounds are filled with unpredictability.

“Capital U, Capital N, Capital P, Capital R … That has been me!” my client admitted.

“And you know the worst part? I thought that was a good thing. Always keep them guessing, and I won’t have anything to worry about anything.”

I assured him that I’d heard similar statements through the years from people with fearful (disorganized) avoidant attachment wounds.

But I’d like to reassure you, as I reassured him…these are not bad people. They’re simply people who are struggling beyond what we could possibly imagine…and doing their best to keep that undercover at all costs!

Let’s look at the other symptoms of this attachment style:

They often feel unworthy and inadequate, but they employ ‘better than’ tactics to keep the truth hidden.
They long for deep connection, but if they get it, they immediately create distance because they are unable to trust the connection.
They often spew negativity like a geyser in order to keep distance.
They often border on paranoia, thinking the worst outcome of every person and every situation.
Their behavior and tones are often aggressive, but they are totally oblivious to the aggressiveness and will defend it be vehemently.
They are extremely challenged with emotional dysregulation.
They make great promises and rarely fulfill them…making it their partner’s fault if brought to light.
They have intense reactions to small things and are quite critical of anyone else who has any reaction whatsoever.
They believe they know everyone’s intentions, and judge harshly.
They quickly make assumptions, rarely check them out, and enter them as facts about others in their brains.
They create chaos and drama, blame it on the other, and leave (for a few hours, or sometimes move out temporarily) because of it…but then come back like a hero to make things better.
Their moods fluctuate continuously, often without cause due to their internal turmoil.
They live in their heads, creating their own realities, based on their perceptions, perspectives, and assumptions.
They build barriers to protect that reality, imprisoning themselves.

These people are often misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD, bipolar disorder, or even some paranoia.

“How do you ever make it right?” my client almost demanded with desperation.

“You make it right by healing the wounds and becoming the amazing human that you were created to be before you received these attachment wounds!” I reassured him.

****

I’m aware of how difficult these things are to hear and see.

I had a very wise mentor in graduate school, and she is still my mentor and beloved friend today, Dr. Pat Love.

When we were faced with challenging cases, she would remind us…

“He or she who has eyes to see, ears to hear … and a heart willing to heal… For them … nothing is impossible!”

No matter where you see yourself in all of this…no matter the state of your relationship…no matter how difficult the journey may seem…

This is your Kairos moment.

A critical, decisive moment in time

that turns your direction toward greater things.

Don’t miss it. It’s in the discomfort of the unknown that we’ll find peace.

It’s your moment to heal and experience rich connection and deep fulfillment in your realtionships!

Symptoms of Disorganized Attachment Wounds as Adults: What Their Relationships Look Like

“I finally get it, but I did not choose these attachment wounds, or my attachment style. But why do I feel so much shame about them?” my client asked with almost the tone of a pleading little boy.

“I understand, totally,” I assured him. “Although my angel-like mother balanced out a lot of the horrific attachment wounds I got from my dad … I, too, felt tremendous shame as I recognized what they were and what had happened.”

“In my desperate search for answers and healing, I realized that the very thing that created any of the attachment wounds come laden with shame,” I explained.

“Research reveals that when we have less than ideal experiences with parents or any other caregivers, those wounds are normally delivered with an overdose of shame.”

I continued: “Unconsciously, parents and other caregivers actually quite often do the things that create wounds in order to relieve themselves of their own shame.”

I could see he was processing by the mixed expressions of relief and frustration on his face, so I waited.

With an intensity and a bit of sadness, he blurted out: “I really don’t want to let my parents off the hook for what they did, but I have to admit that when I think of who their parents were, I feel sorry for them just a little bit. And I’m sure they were indeed overflowing with shame.”

I paused because I could see there was more.

“And even though I hate what they did to me, I wouldn’t want anyone to feel the way that I have felt most of my life.”

I nodded empathetically and commented, “Remember this process is not about holding grudges or blaming our parents or caregivers. Neither is it about letting them off the hook. It’s about coming to an understanding of where our wounds came from so that we can heal them.”

“That often leads to a conversation about forgiveness. When we look at these things, I suggest to people that they make the decision to forgive from the very outset. But to understand that forgiveness is often a journey,” I explained.

“Knowing that forgiveness is not for those who wounded us … it’s for us. Because the unforgiveness keeps us bound to our wounds. That forgiveness is much easier to grant when we have done the healing on the wounds,” I stated.

“Is it acceptable for me to ask you if you forgave your dad for what he did to you?” my client asked innocently.

“Yes, it’s definitely acceptable. I made the decision to forgive him when I realized how wounded I was…”

“When I had done a considerable amount of work on my wounds, I did a forgiveness exercise on my own. Quite often, it’s something between us and God, and not something we need to involve our caregivers in. Because I believe something spiritual happens … and they feel it,” I shared.

“I had a beautiful experience years after that. My mother was a devout follower of God and had prayed for my dad for her whole life, even before they married.”

“One Sunday morning, much to her surprise, instead of getting dressed to go fishing, he got dressed for church and went with her. That morning, he gave his heart and life to Christ, and we all witnessed a miraculous change in him.”

“She could hardly wait to share it with me, and my heart was deeply warmed when I got the news!”

“About a year later, I went home for a visit. I arrived before my mom got home from her support group ‘the pap squad.’ (She had established it because she was a survivor of ovarian cancer in the latter stages and had refused chemo and opted to trust God to heal her.)”

“I walked into their home, and my dad was there in the kitchen, and said to me, ‘You wouldn’t want to sit down and talk to an old man that wasn’t a very great dad, would you’?”

“Forgiveness was already done, so I went in the kitchen and put my arms around him and told him that I would love to spend some time talking to him.”

“Other than lectures, he had never had a conversation with me in my whole life other than about business or fishing.”

“We sat there at the table while he wept and apologize for all the things he had done throughout my childhood and teenage years. For the first time in my life, he told me how proud he was of me.”

“When my mom walked in and saw tears streaming from both our eyes, she walked over quietly and put her arms around me and said… ‘Welcome home to the mother and daddy I always wanted you to have’!”

A tear or two escaped again as I shared the story … and many tears escaped my client’s eyes.

Saying what is needed and allowing others to do the same without our explanative comments when that door presents itself, is gateway to the miraculous!

You may or may not have the remarkable moment I experienced. But whether you have that or not, the healing of the wound is an amazing experience for all of us!

Let’s look at the symptoms of an adult with any of these attachment styles, and what their relationships look like … so we can turn those ashes into beauty!

Symptoms of adults with fearful or anxious attachment wounds and what their relationships look like.

“I already know you’re going to tell me that my picture is in the dictionary beside each of these!” my client confessed.

“Well, that’s OK with me,” I proclaimed… “As long as your picture shows up beside the words ‘healing the wounds’ in the dictionary as well!”

Adults with fearful or anxious attachment wounds, sometimes look clingy and need a lot of reassurance and approval from others.

Although someone with these attachment wounds will not have all these symptoms. Here are some of those that are common:

They become emotionally dysregulated, if not responded to in a fairly short amount of time

They need to be acknowledged for things they do and become anxious if they don’t receive it.

They crave intimacy but struggle to let it in for fear that it will disappear.

They are often jealous and/or suspicious.

They feel threatened when others want solo activities or time alone.

Some become people pleasers.

They may allow themselves to be treated with less respect than they deserve.

They experience tremendous emotional turmoil internally.

They may unconsciously sabotage the relationship.

They may feel “less than…”

They may idealize their partner and miss the others’ dysfunctional behaviors…resulting in tolerating more things than they should.

“It’s funny in a way…that in my marriage, I acted like I was better than, but I had almost all of those symptoms internally,” my client admitted.

“And I did the same at work. I mean, I was good to the people that worked for me, and most of them liked me,” he shared.

“But I did just enough to keep them guessing and keep them at arm’s length, thinking that that would somehow keep them from seeing how much I needed them to like and accept me,” he admitted.

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff.

Symptoms of adults with avoidant or dismissive attachment wounds and what their relationships look like.

“Last week when you used the words ‘normally it is caused by growing in a less than ideal environment, lacking much, if any nurturing’…I already knew I had that one!” my client declared.

“Neither of my parents would have known nurturing if it had bitten them in the butt!”

I had to laugh.

That, along with an unresponsive environment to a child’s needs, a stressful environment, or exposure to trauma, can all create this attachment style.

I asked my client, “How do you think this played out in your marriage?”

“Overall, I think it gave me an attitude toward my wife … that nothing she said was significant, every emotion she experienced I minimized, and if she wanted to deal with things, I was too busy…or became a grouch to make her want distance,” he shared.

“I’m not proud of any of that. To be honest until we started down this road, I was totally oblivious to the whole thing. But now I can see it clearly, and frankly, I’m ashamed of how I’ve treated her!”

It’s not unusual that people are unaware of their attachment style, much less how it played out in their marriage and other relationships.

All the things he mentioned are certainly symptoms of an adult with an avoidant attachment style.

Relationships with anyone with an avoidant attachment style are characterized by a measure of distance, and lack of full commitment and investment.

Here are some of the common symptoms:

Endearing statements, such as “I love you” are used sparingly and often conditionally.

They often use double negatives when speaking of the relationship. “It’s not that I don’t love you…”

They are fiercely protective of their independence.

They appear to be “one-man bands.”

They may go silent or stare when someone shares vulnerability with them.

They can and often do shut down any sharing of emotions.

They are somewhere between conflict avoidant and conflict adverse.

They often express discomfort with public displays of the relationship via photographs, social media, etc.

At the same time, they often prioritize social media, sports, and other interests over the relationship.

They firmly deny this, despite the evidence.

They often withdrawal from the relationship, saying they need some time to ‘think about things’. Sometimes that involves separation, sometimes just a trip, or sometimes doing things solo for a while.

They have devoted passions … to things such as sports, Netflix, reading, etc. They will fiercely protect and defend their time for these things.

Displays of physical affection may be rare, except for when wanting sexual intimacy.

They have a difficult time making firm decisions and commitments. When asked if they would like to go somewhere, the response likely contains many “if’s, but’s, or maybe’s.”

They often ignore bids for connection.

They frequently label the others’ normal needs as “being needy”.

They make normal requests from a partner seem pathological.

“Good grief! I’m worse than I thought,” my client commented after we discussed a list of some of the symptoms.

If you see yourself in this, I’d like to encourage you the same way I encouraged him.