Success Stories of People Healing from Attachment Wounds & Transitioning to Healthy Attachment
“Does anybody ever really heal from attachment wounds or these crazy attachment styles?”
I recently received this via email from one of my readers.
I responded and thanked him for the question and told him that it inspired my blog of this week … sharing success stories.
Does everyone have a success story?
Sad to say…no.
But everyone could have a success story.
And by the way…sometimes it’s the right thing to do…to have a solo party for you and you alone to celebrate when even the smallest breakthrough happens.
-It’s good for your brain.
-It’s good for your heart.
-It’s part of changing your programming.
I’ve never worked with anyone…
-Who was willing to put in the time, energy, and effort to do the work…
-That I’ve outlined…
-That did not get across the finish line to a healthy attachment style.
My hopes and prayers are that you’ll not just read…
But that you’ll … DO!
I’ve said again and again throughout this series…there’s a 100% chance of healing for 100% of the people willing to do the work.
Some people may say that I’m lucky to see that success rate.
Some people may say that “birds of a feather flock together” and that’s why the people I work with cross the finish line to healing…because they are like me.
I prefer to say that I’m blessed.
I’m blessed with belief that everyone can heal.
I am blessed with the determination to keep people on the path of healing.
I am blessed with the understanding of how to help people heal.
Research says that about 60% of the population claims to have healthy attachment styles.
Yet, other research indicates:
20%+ of the population has anxious attachment wounds and styles
25%+ of the population has avoidant attachment wounds and styles
15-35%+ of the population has disorganized attachment wounds and styles
That would equal 80% of the population.
Leaving only 20% of the population with healthy attachment styles.
Whether the correct number is 20% or 60% … my mission is to influence a significant increase in the numbers of us who have healthy attachment!
I’m sharing 3 success stories with you this week.
Hoping that it will be a great inspiration to you.
If for some reason, you have not followed along, here’s the link to the first blog in the series, and you can find and follow all of them there.
I will respond as quickly as possible. DrNeecie@DrNeecie.com.
Now let’s get to the success stories.
1. Erica’s success story moving from fearful attachment wounds and style to healthy attachment.
Erica came to me and had always struggled with low level anxiety.
When she married Tommy, within a year, she said she was drowning in anxiety over the marriage.
(Like our kids, our partners or friends have a way of holding up a mirror that we tend to think reflects our inner most being/self … and most of the time it is. AND… this causes a need to react.)
When she began taking the assessment for anxious attachment style, she realized that she was that ‘on steroids’ (in her words).
Reflecting back, she realized that her dad did not want kids, and didn’t have much to do with her or her brother.
She remembered begging him to take her to a father daughter dance … to which he rolled his eyes.
Her mother was totally unattuned to her and her brother, because she was always doing some kind of ‘fancy 2-step’ in a useless effort to meet their dad‘s needs.
It was never enough.
She was often so obsessed with winning his love that there was nothing left over for the kids.
Although she remembered some magic moments with her mom, she said they were rare, and short-lived.
When taking the assessment for this attachment style, she realized how she longed for more. Even when she and Tommy had great moments together, she was terrified that they would end.
She wrote: “When I started my healing process,
I didn’t really think it was possible.
But I couldn’t live in the panic,
(about whether or not he’d leave or love me) anymore.
It was excruciating!”
“I was either obsessing on whether he really loved me…
or when he might leave me.
Looking back, I’m sure I was rain on every parade
in everything he tried.”
“I think the thing that got the most traction for me
was when you had me spend 24 hours in his shoes.”
“You had me write about the things I did and the things
I said several times daily for a week…
Then spend 15 minutes, guessing how what I’d done,
and/or said might have felt to him. What his experience was…”
“I almost hated myself by the end of that week…
but I tried to do exactly what you said…
to release any shame or judgment
and use that same energy to experience
understanding and compassion for him.”
“When you asked me to do it,
it didn’t seem like that great of a challenge.
But by the end of the first day,
I was overcome with how selfish I was.
How I was always thinking about me.
And honestly had no clue what was going on with him.”
“Then when you helped me find the self-soothing exercise
that worked for me, it was almost magic.
You helped me find that going outside, taking off my shoes,
and feeling dirt or grass beneath my feet
and taking in the wonder of creation …
was like a nice warm blanket on an icy day on my heart.”
“Once I knew how to soothe myself,
he gave me the letter that you instructed him to write…
which began massive healing.”
(You can read more about that letter and Tommy’s story in point number two.)
“When the anxiety came, I got outside as soon as I could,
and I read the letter over and over.”
“When we could finally come together and communicate
like two grown adults…the healing began between us.
It took a lot of those moments for a while.”
“Soon, there were days between our need to ‘talk and work through’ things.”
“Not long after that there were weeks between.
And now once a month is even rare.”
“The healing took on a life of its own.
When we began experiencing the healing,
the benefits began to stack.”
“We laughed together more.
We did more fun things together.
We had rich conversation about our histories.”
“We began to dream together.”
“For the first time in my life,
I realized that I could breathe,
be at peace,
and have hope for a long and happy life.”
Erica and Tommy’s story is just one of many.
Once the benefits and rewards begin to establish a healthy attachment, there is great healing!
You may say, “Well, I’m not married or in a relationship”.
Choose a friend to do this with. Perhaps a sibling. Someone who is a trusted ally.
It will make all the difference in your life!
2. Tommy’s success story moving from avoidant (dismissive) attachment wounds and style to healthy attachment.
Tommy was one of my ‘drop her off’ clients.
He kind of acted like they were there for marriage therapy, but before the session was over, I realized he just needed me to ‘fix her’.
I surmised that he was dismissive/avoidant wounded.
Because most people that “drop off” their family member or friend …
are just doing their best to get out of what they perceive as ‘drama’.
When he began to see changes in her.
He asked her what she was working on.
She briefly explained her fearful or anxious attachment wounds, and therefore style.
‘Change’ is when those close to us see it and often ask what’s happened.
At that moment, I’m sure he regretted asking how she knew she had it.
She told him about the assessment and asked him if he would like to take it.
In his own words, he thought to himself:
“I know I’m nothing like her, so I’ll humor her and take it.”
When he came in, he told me he was literally physically nauseous when he saw that he was a very high scoring avoidant or dismissive attachment style.
“It’s not like I couldn’t figure it out when you told me it wasn’t my fault…
that I didn’t choose it. And that usually trauma and/or lack of interest from parents are at the root.”
“My mother died when I was a toddler, and all of the siblings were grown and out of the house.”
“When I was still a little boy,
my dad pointed a gun at my head, and told me
I’d better change how I was thinking,
or he would change it for me … forever.”
“It was like he was a demon in that moment
with huge red eyes, and the look
on his face that was frighteningly evil.”
“Then when you told me that you had
surmised that was my diagnosis when
I ‘dropped Erica off’ for you to fix…I knew it had to be true.”
“I had brick walls fronted by steel bars
over my heart. I assured Erica consistently
that she was mentally ill with all her anxiety and drama.”
He teared up as he shared with me, “It breaks my heart what I’ve done to her,
when all she wanted was for me to love her.”
He began his journey of healing, and at times it was very difficult for him.
“The thing that got me was when you asked me
if I ever saw any similarity to the look on her face
when she asked for love to the little boy I once was.
That really did break through the walls to my heart.”
“When you asked me to write that letter
to my dad (not to send to him, but for me …)
about how he treated me as a little boy,
I realized why I had gone into hiding and prided
myself in being a stone wall.”
“When you asked me to imagine that
I could go to myself as a little boy in my bedroom
the night my dad pointed a gun at my head,
I saw his terror and told him he didn’t have
to hide behind steel walls anymore.
That his feelings were valid, and that I loved him…
It was a gut wrencher and a life changer!”
“Then, when you asked me to write the letter to Erica,
telling her how very much I loved her,
and why I love her the way I do…
it felt like I didn’t have anything to say.
But then after I got started, I truly realized that
I’ve been the luckiest man in the world to have her.”
“When you asked me to sit with her
and breathe and show compassion
(by reflecting, validating, and empathizing) …
and then to read the letter out loud to her
so that she could keep it and remind herself…
something really happened in me.
Slowly, but surely, I began to feel again.
Or maybe feel for the first time.”
“I could tell her and show her I loved her more often.”
I asked him what he hoped I would share
for anyone considering addressing
and healing from avoidant/dismissive attachment.
He answered immediately:
“Tell them that they don’t even know it…
but they’ve never loved. Never really loved.
Never been willing to receive love.
And it’s a life they should never miss out on!”
I agree totally.
Find the love that you’ve always wanted to give and receive!
3. Keith’s success story moving from disorganized (fearful avoidant) attachment wounds and style to healthy attachment.
Keith was a typical disorganized attachment style.
He could be counted on to create drama to give him a reason to leave (emotionally or physically).
Then when he thought his wife or family members were ‘over it’ …
he would show up like a hero to do something fun and make everyone happy.
He also did not believe in any of the “hocus-pocus stuff”
that came with coaching or therapy.
When he took the assessment, his score was perfect…
in the sense that he was 100% wounded
with the attachment style to go with it.
Like most people with these wounds,
it took a rodeo for him to surrender.
“I think hearing over and over that: ‘It’s not your fault…
-You are a great human being.
-You did not choose these attachment wounds or this attachment style’
-I think it must have finally resonated enough that he could take a look.”
KING Trauma…is almost always at the root of this these attachment wounds.
He has been run over as a young boy and had serious wounds that could have killed him.
Once his life was out of danger and he was at home,
he had to gargle often as his jaws were wired shut.
One day, when attempting to gargle, he gagged and was hurling.
His mom was hitting him over the head, berating him for not doing it right.
If that had been his only trauma and only attachment wound,
he would have earned a first-class seat in
disorganized attachment wounds and attachment style.
He began his journey by imagining picking himself up
off the curb after the 1957 Chevrolet had run over him.
He imagined holding his little limp, injured body in his arms
and telling that precious little boy that everything
was going to be all right.
Suddenly what he once thought was ‘hocus-pocus stuff’
was the beginning of great healing.
One of the things he had to look at which is common
with disorganized attachment wounds…
is the use of substances and processes
to soothe and medicate the pain from the wounds.
Keith had to look at his alcohol use,
and was able to become sober from alcohol,
amphetamines, and nicotine.
As he began to have more of a sense of calm,
he was much more able to become more predictable
for both himself and his relationships.
He began to engage in healing exercises
to heal the damage of the unpredictability in the marriage.
Although he once considered romantic moments and intimate conversation ‘icky’ … he now enjoys and looks forward to both.
When I asked him what he would like for me to share
from him to other people with this organized wounds and attachment styles,
he said:
“Do the work.
Embrace what’s uncomfortable,
and you will find a calm enjoyment of life.”
******
When I reach the end of a series,
I’m always a little bit reticent to move on.
Reticent because I don’t want to leave anyone behind.
And reticent to move on because
I want everyone to have the amazing
benefits of healthy attachment.
And let me remind you…it’s 100% possible
for 100% of you willing to do the work!
(From my friend in AA. “You hear this phrase a lot in recovery, “Just do the work”. At first, I … like most … thought of something quite grueling, something I wouldn’t be able to grasp, understand, or do. But the work begins and ends with a willingness to trust super simple steps and allow them (over time) to have their promised profound effect. The work is really just surrender … no longer needing or wanting control. Simplicity takes root and channels complexity into manageability. That makes life work!)
One of the greatest blessings of my life is rich relationships.
I wouldn’t want you to miss the same deep relationships.
