“Sometimes I feel like there’s a fine, thin line between faith and stupidity,” my client said to me.
I had to laugh, because I had to work up the courage to ask my pastor a similar question many years ago when I was a student in Bible college.
Actually, I asked: “How do I know the difference between faith and foolishness?”
James K. Bridges, my pastor (who I lovingly called “Papa Bridges”) was a GREAT man and left an incredible mark on my life. I had no idea if he would reprimand me or give me a theological lesson I could even understand.
A smile wiped across his face, as he leaned toward me with a simple, yet powerful, response: “If you’ll always step forward in faith, with a good heart toward God, you will not step into foolishness. Just keep your heart focused on God.”
Then he chuckled a bit as he added: “And I’d rather err on the side of faith, than to shirk back to avoid foolishness!”
As I shared the story with my client so that he understood I was not laughing at him, he loved the answer I’d received while still a teenager.
I asked him what brought that question to his mind?
He explained: “Part of the branding of trauma on my life was that I became a ‘doubting Thomas.’ I’ve been cynical, jaded, and always leery of everyone’s motives. As you know I’m fighting to overcome that!”
I nodded in affirmation.
He continued:
“But I don’t want to become one of those weird people who believes I can have faith that a Bentley will be in my driveway in the morning … and then have to construe some story as to why it didn’t appear.”
I encouraged him with this: “Let’s not be weird … but let’s not allow that fear to squelch our faith …”
I continued: “The dictionary defines faith as: ‘Sincerity of intentions’ or ‘Something that is believed especially with strong conviction’.”
“The 12-Step program defines faith as ‘Trust, willingness, and reliance on something greater than oneself’.”
He was with me as I paused.
“The Bible defines faith as: ‘Being sure of what we hope for. It is being sure of what we do not see’.”
When you look at the definitions, there’s one thing true to all of us.
Whatever it is that you call “faith”…
The ability to believe in good things…
Things you’d love to experience…
That ability is stolen from us in moments of trauma.
Not only can you get it back, and fortify it …
You NEED it back!
WE ALL NEED IT!
My client half-asked, half-stated.
“Wow … I need it!? That’s interesting. I was just going to ask if I should work more on building my faith … or just put that aside and work on other things?”
I suggested this: “Let me share with you some of the results of research looking into the benefits of practicing faith.”
I hope you will tune in too. Building our faith and/or our ability to believe for great things we cannot see, is something that does wonders for us…
For our lives…
For our health…
For our relationships…
For our businesses…
For our future!
I believe there’s nothing that builds hope, like faith!
And there’s nothing that fuels motivation like hope!
Benefits of building and practicing faith:
· Improved resiliency (mentally, emotionally, physically)
· Faster recovery from stressful events or situations
· Quicker recovery from trauma
· Easier recovery from loss
· More likely to experience healing in difficult times
· Elevated levels of motivation
· Greater chances of reaching goals
· Reduced anxiety and depression
· Diminished struggles with uncertainty
· Significantly better with problem solving
· Lowered blood pressure
· Greater immune function
· Reduced stress hormone secretion
· Longer lifespan
· Better chances of recovering from addiction
· Quicker recovery from sickness and surgery
· Substantially more intimacy in relationships
· Greater kindness and altruism
· More likely to forgive
· Less likely to struggle with resentment and bitterness
· More likely to be self-controlled
· Improvement in self confidence
· And more more more …
“I think I have my answer about whether I should just set this aside!” my client responded as he tried to take all that in.
He continuedL “I remember when we first started, and I said that I just couldn’t believe I could do all of this or that it would make any difference.”
I nodded, remembering the moment.
“You said something like, ‘Don’t worry, I have enough faith for both of us’ …” he commented. “I remember thinking that faith didn’t have anything to do with this …”
I smiled and quietly chuckled.
“How did you resist telling me it had EVERYTHING to do with what I needed?” he asked with innocent curiosity.
“Because trauma steals that from us, and I’ve learned it’s better for clients to see the evidence of it. Then it becomes a desire instead of something I must ‘talk you into’,” I explained.
I knew this truth touched him.
I continued: “But here we are and it’s time to take your faith back!”
(From my friend in AA. “Faith in a freewill world, is trusting the choices of others will become part of what I need, which only happens when I’m willing to accept that I can’t change anything about their choices, only my response to them.”)
It’s time to take yours back too, my friend!
Let’s do it together!
1. Start small and allow faith to activate your reward centers in your brain.
“I don’t know how to start at all, much less start small,” my client commented. “Remember, I’m a doubting Thomas.”
I smiled, deciding whether or not to burst his bubble about being a “doubting Thomas.”
I began gently.
“I’ve already told you that trauma leaves most of us with some of the ‘doubting Thomas syndrome’.”
To my readers: People use varying words and phrases for the “doubting Thomas syndrome.” You may call it being a cynic, skeptical, a realist, a pessimist, the target of Murphy’s law, etc.
Whatever you may call it, it’s likely your way of:
· “Playing it safe” or
· It has become your identity
Both are related. “Playing it safe” means you are protecting yourself from failure or disappointment … and that becomes your identity eventually.
Either one excludes you from the wonderful benefits of faith that you read in the introduction. Don’t allow trauma to keep you “stuck” there.
The wonder that started our life is the wonder meant for a lifetime.
I explained that to my client and his response was: “WOW! I end up “screwed” either way?! Unless I get my faith back.”
I nodded.
“To change that identity and STOP the “playing it safe” charade … let’s start small with this. I’ll give you an exercise to do with your wife. I want you to have faith that it’ll ‘bring some level of improvement to your relationship’,”
I suggested.
He looked uncomfortable with the idea but nodded.
“Here’s the exercise. I want you to set a time to have a good conversation with her. Then I want you to ask these 5 questions of her, and you answer them too,” I instructed.
“As each of you responds to the question, the one listening reflects, validates, and empathizes.”
I explained further.
“Here’s what I mean –
You REFLECT what you heard by filling in this sentence, ‘I heard you say …’
Then you ask if you got that right. If not, listen again, reflect again.
You VALIDATE by sharing an understanding or ah-ha you got, ‘It makes sense to me that …’
Then you EMPATHIZE by completing this sentence, ‘You must feel …’
Once again, you ask if you got that right.
Then the other person shares their response to the same question, followed by reflecting, validating, and empathizing.”
He wondered out loud: “We’ve done some of that, so I think we can do that. But what are the questions?”
“Here are the five questions:
a. What do you think are the top 3 best things about our marriage?
b. If you could add 2 things to that list, what would they be?
c. What do I do that makes you feel the most special?
d. And what else could I do to make you feel even more special?
e. How could I make our marriage and your life better daily?”
I handed him the list, then asked him, “Can you have faith for or believe for some level of improvement in your relationship after doing that exercise?”
He nodded, but I saw some churning behind his eyes.
I inquired about it.
“I can believe for some improvement, but what do I do with all the negative thoughts? Like ‘what if she doesn’t want to do it’ or ‘what if she doesn’t like my answers’?” he said with a bit of trepidation.
(“Faith is the evidence of things HOPED for.” From the Book of Hebrews)
I smiled as I commented, “That’s the doubting Thomas. In this one moment, tell the doubting Thomas that you’re trying something new and he needs to ‘sit down’ and ‘shut up’! Now say that aloud as if you’re really speaking to the doubting Thomas in you.”
He shuffled awkwardly, but when he saw I would wait him out, he did it.
I hope you’ll do the same.
After he said it out loud, I asked how it felt.
“Actually, it felt good. Real good.”
I asked him to say it every time it came up until he did the exercise.
When he returned, I asked how it went.
He reported MUCH MORE than just “some level of improvement” to the relationship.
I asked him to describe what that felt like.
He said: “I felt relaxed. I felt inner peace. I felt content …”
I could see he wasn’t quite finished, so I waited …
“I never feel any of that stuff!” he added.
“Let me tell you what that was. It’s simple:
You had faith.
You saw more than the results you hoped for.
Your faith opened the reward center of your brain and released some dopamine, endorphins, and oxytocin.”
That’s what faith does. It calls us into the unknown … creating in us the will to believe. The results? Good thing … great things that only faith can make happen!
“Do you think you could have faith for more now?”
He nodded affirmatively with some enthusiasm.
That’s how you begin to build faith!
To take back what was stolen from you in the moments of trauma.
Faith rewires us so the wonder of life becomes our sense of satisfaction as we journey towards every desire!
2. Invite faith to be your partner in rewiring your brain.
“So, are you actually telling me that faith can help me rewire the crazy stuff up in here?” he asked while pointing to his brain?
“Yes I am!” I confirmed.
So often, we forget that our brains have a bent toward negativity. Particularly after trauma. And when we apply faith to our brains, we can begin to rewire all of that!
Pursuing the unknown rewires everything for hope!
“Without getting too deep into neuroscience, let me give you a general understanding of how faith can help in this process,” I suggested.
“Any time we have negative emotions or thoughts, it activates the amygdala in our brain. That’s why it’s often called our ‘threat detector’.
When its alarms sound … stress hormones pour on, sometimes activating the VMH (very mad, moody human … or in scientific words … the ventromedial hypothalamus),” I explained.
“That’s what we’ve been working on, right? When all hell breaks loose?” he asked.
“Pretty much!” I agreed.
(By the way, if you missed the series on VMH, you can find the beginning of it by clicking here.)
I continued.
“But at that very moment, when the alarm sounds, if you can take a moment to PAUSE and to PRACTICE FAITH by answering this question, you can begin the rewiring: ‘What good could come from this moment’?”
I emphasized:
“Just pause long enough to answer the question! In the moment you might not FEEL or SEE anything good,” I acknowledged.
“But simply answering the question is practicing faith. At that moment, that very moment … here’s what happens in the brain …
THINK ABOUT THIS …
In that moment of pause, your faith causes your brain to SHUT OFF the alarm …
And to TURN ON the PFC (Pretty Fine Communicator, or scientifically the prefrontal cortex) …
And to find ‘meaning in the moment’.
IN THAT MOMENT … a rewiring has begun!
You begin to hear this internal alarm as a cry for faith (not a moment to react), which takes you to consider a ‘meaning.’
Dopamine and oxytocin replace the stress hormones, and YOU ARE AT YOUR BEST!”
Read that series of occurrences in your brain again.
And again.
YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE. You are rewiring.
The more you do it, the better and richer your life will become!
“I’m like ‘blown away.’ I mean ‘my mind is blown.’ Seriously! This is big stuff!” my client reflected as he “got it.”
Did you get it?
If not, read it again.
Practice it.
See the results.
FEEL the results.
Your faith will grow.
Your life will grow.
Your character will grow.
Your relationships will flourish.
Your life will flourish.
YOU WILL THRIVE!
By trusting the unknown to create your new normal.
3. Combine your faith with gratitude.
I shared with my client: “I’ve shared with people for years how that 3 minutes of gratitude can literally bring our heart rhythm and brain waves into sync. When you add the practice of faith to that … it’s truly miraculous.”
I could see his eyes light up.
I saw a question formulating, so I waited.
“Does this have to do with church and religion?” he asked with curiosity.
“Not necessarily,” I shared. “They can go hand in hand. But I know many people who attend church and practice religion that have little to no faith.”
“I’m speaking about things that are part of many religious teachings, but I want to keep this focused on the brain to keep it simple at this moment,” I shared.
Here’s what we know about faith (in this blog).
And what we know about gratitude.
FAITH assists us in rewiring our brains and short-circuiting the misery-inducing alarms … tripping them instead to feelings of feeling great (dopamine), feeling calm and peaceful (endorphins), and feeling connected (oxytocin).
GRATITUDE conquers fear, frustration, stress, and angst, bringing us to a sense of “all is well.”
(As someone has said, “You can’t be in angst and grateful at the same time.”)
The results of combining the TWO?
Well, science says:
· They strengthen the reward pathways … meaning feeling calm, at peace, connected, fulfilled … more or most of the time
· They strengthen our emotional regulation systems … meaning we feel at our best … more or most of the time
· They nurture our connection and compassion pathways … meaning we have better relationships with more compassion … more or most of the time
· They rewire our brains to contentment, connection, and calm.
“Hot diggety dog … that’s the ticket, isn’t it?” my client proclaimed in more joy than I’d ever seen in him previously.
“INDEED!” I said!
Let’s begin a process of operating from a place of faith and gratitude!
And open the door to miracles in our lives.
“Real gratitude, the kind that rewires your brain and deepens faith, is countercultural. It requires pushing back against a world that thrives on outrage and scarcity. It demands slowing down, reflecting, and choosing a different narrative than the one culture hands us.” Relevant Magazine
*****
Faith.
Trauma steals it from our repertoire.
But we don’t have to live without it.
We can reclaim it!
We can use/allow it to rewire us!
We can bask in the richness it provides!
It’s just another way to move out of the survival trauma leaves us in.
And into the thriving we are meant to have in the abundant life that has been promised to us!
I don’t know about you …
But I choose gratitude, faith, and thriving!
“Without faith it’s impossible to please God.” Paul the Apostle