You’ve sown now you reap.
I wish I had better news: it’s the one truth that we all share.
It’s time to sow again: ask a farmer … sometimes our best doesn’t produce.
But, with a newness of heart and mind, we sow again.
And along the way, all the reapings somehow work out for our good.
Why?
Because when we try again, surrender finds us.
And surrender is the only guarantee of seeing and sowing
what is good and right.
“I’ve told her I’ve changed, but she doesn’t believe me. What do I do to become believable?” my client asked.
I knew he was sincere. But I also knew what his VMH (ventromedial hypothalamus) aggression episodes had left behind … deep wounds and damage.
If you’re new to my series, VMH are brain cells that send alarms that create aggression. There are about 1500 of them in each side of the brain.
They are few (compared to the 8 billion brain cells in total that we have) but their force with just 3000 of them can be massive. As is the destruction of their expression that they often leave behind after being activated.
To make VMH relevant, I created a new acronym that I use with my clients … Very Mad / Moody Human. Because that’s what it looks like externally after being activated.
Our VMH does have great purpose … to send us into action when there’s danger or a threat of danger.
However, when we grow up in an atmosphere of anger, trauma, and or ongoing overstimulation of the VMH (surrounded by danger) … our VMH becomes oversensitive and is easily activated.
The more sensitive it is, the greater the aggression responses.
Those aggression responses can be anything from physical violence … to harsh, mean words … to aggressive threats.
Here’s the challenge: to the person with the oversensitive or hair triggered VMH, it’s “normal”.
They spew their aggressions … and then they’re “over it.” They expect those who received the aggressions to be “over it” too. Rarely, if ever, do they acknowledge damage done or make repairs.
This was the case with my client.
For over 25 years in his marriage, he’d been easily triggered, and his VMH showed up as anger that he spewed on anyone around him.
After years of being on the receiving end of his VMH aggressions and ignoring his wife’s pleas for him to recognize it and do something different, she’d packed up and left.
(Remember…those who practice, display, and share these kinds of responses…are also programmed for you/them to quickly get over it. Because they were most likely on the receiving end of it growing up and that’s what their primary caregiver did. Ending at…like…what’s wrong with you?)
He had assumed that if he promised to do better, as he had through the years, she would come back. But this time it was different.
That difference made it different for him too.
This time … he was determined to do the work, make the change permanent, and do the repair work for all the damage he’d done.
This is why I responded as I did to his desire to make his change believable to her: “In all fairness, she’s waited 25 years for you to get to this place. I’m certainly not saying you must wait 25 years for her to come back. But there’s a lot of work to do to make it believable!”
He nodded with clear disappointment, but with no waning in his determination.
I told him that with his permission, I’d like to speak to her at some point.
He nodded eagerly.
“But not until you’ve done enough work and prepared yourself enough to be believable!” I warned.
He asked curiously, “Why wouldn’t you want to speak to her sooner?”
“Why would she believe me when you’ve not done the things you need to do, to even make her willing to consider that change was occurring?” I said gently.
I could see he was accepting what I’d said.
But it was a struggle.
Whether your partner has packed up and left … or is still there with a Grand Canyon of distance between you, I hope you’ll spend some time considering what I’m writing to you this week.
The gap can be bridged. They may consider returning (if they’ve left) … but if … and only if … you take the lead in doing what you need to do … blazing the trail through the rubble to re-creating the relationship.
You deserve that. You spouse (or sibling, or dear friend … whoever has been the recipient of your VMH) deserves that. Your relationship deserves that.
Sit with me for a while.
Read this carefully.
DO THE WORK … follow the steps I’ve outlined.
Make the repairs even if they don’t come back.
DO THE RIGHT THING!
Your life will be richer.
Your chances of a rich relationship compound.
Let’s do this … TOGETHER!
Remember, peace builds trust. Seek peace and pursue it and be it. (And remember that peace cannot and is not found in the midst of VMH aggressions!)
1. “I’m sorry” isn’t enough.
“If you keep doing what you’ve always done … you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten …” I explained to my client.
“You kept allowing your VMH to hijack you.
You kept creating damage.
You kept promising you’d do something different.
You kept the aggressions going.
You kept saying you would change to make peace.
And then let it go.
And what you got was an empty house …”
“This time it must be different!
-Transformation vs. trying.
-Work vs. words.
-Determination vs. defending.
-Accountability & amends vs. apology.
-Consistency vs. crisis‑only change.
-Ownership vs. obliviousness.”
With true regret, my client nodded.
However, nodding wasn’t enough.
I had to make sure he understood… “I’m sorry” would not be enough.
As I explained to him … “Saying ‘sorry’ without making changes will mean nothing. To her or to you!”
I continued.
“It’s like silencing the fire alarm without doing anything about the flames. If you’re really sorry, you don’t just say that and expect everything to be okay.”
He nodded.
“AND … saying you’re sorry without healing the damage done by the flames is flimsy, weak, and not believable. True sorrow jumps in to make repairs immediately…peacefully, contritely, and wanting nothing is return.”
“You put out the flames by acknowledging what just happened. Then you move in to make repairs.”
I paused to let it sink in then continued.
“Real repair can only occur when you have enough regret to search and identify where the sparks came from (your VMH and its history.) Then doing whatever it takes to prevent the next flare‑up.”
He nodded again, and I could see he was starting to “get it.”
“Until you do those things, your ‘I’m sorry’ statement is just empty words at best!” I stated firmly.
I knew he hoped I was finished, and you may feel the same way.
But I’ve worked with this for years, and I know what it takes.
I closed our session with this:
“In all relationships, there’s a world of difference between:
· ‘I’m sorry I did that’ … and
· ‘I’m truly sorry … enough to do whatever it takes to never put us here again.’
‘I’m sorry I did that’ is nothing more than a quick release valve.
‘I’m truly sorry … enough to do whatever it takes to never put us here again’ is a lifelong commitment to a healing project of rebuilding trust … one brick at a time!”
My client bowed his head as he confessed, “I had hoped I could fix this quickly.”
“We all do,” I confirmed. “And we can make the commitment and begin healing work immediately. But it’s a journey to do your work, then rebuild the trust!”
I hope you’ll commit to being “more than sorry.”
I hope you will commit to rewiring your VMH.
To learning how to acknowledge the moment.
To making repairs.
To rebuilding trust.
Your relationship can only begin to heal and come back together as those things occur.
You can never rush someone else’s healing when it was you that caused the pain. And the surest way to change yourself is giving the freedom and the time to heal what you’ve caused. That’s the surest way to see yourself in the mirror.
2. DO THE WORK on yourself.
There are many books, workshops, coaching programs, therapy venues, etc. to do the work. There’s not just “one way” to do it. But it must…become a MUST…for you.
You must make a plan.
Not some random splattering of things (even though they all can be good) like:
· Watching a few YouTubes
· Reading a little bit of a book
· Going to a Ted Talk on trauma
· Thinking about how to do better
· Signing up for a coaching program (that you only attend occasionally)
Haphazardly addressing this might make you feel better.
But here’s what it will NOT do:
· Rewire your VMH sensitivities and reactions
· Make you accountable
· Help you put out the flames
· Help you make repairs
· Help you rebuild trust
Your plan must include:
· Understanding your VMH sensitivities and reactions
· Assessing and becoming accountable for your aggressions
· Learning to acknowledge in the moment
· Identifying and owning the root of your VMH sensitivities (your early environment, your familial experience of anger as a child, trauma, abuse, early programming)
· Healing the root causes (knowing what they are is insightful, but not transformational)
· Rewiring your programming
· Making appropriate amends and repairs
· Rebuilding trust
“That’s A LOT!” my client mused.
I affirmed him but also reminded him: “Once you got to your pain threshold, it didn’t take long to make some substantial and critical steps forward!”
Then I added as I’d like to share with you: “This is not the time to start drifting or gliding through life on neutral! Keep it in gear until you get to the finish line!”
(From my friend in AA. “Everything had to change and especially how I responded to life. We say this often, ‘living life on life’s terms’. To do that and make recovery work is to change how I react to everything. Anything short of that changes nothing.”)
3. Start with a letter.
When you’ve damaged your relationships (or perhaps lost it like my client)), we are all eager to at least begin the healing process.
“I know I’ve got a lot of work to do … and I’m not trying to weasel my way out of it!” my client assured me.
I waited as he regrouped.
“But I don’t want to act like nothing has happened and remain silent. But I also don’t want her to think I’m doing nothing (like I’ve always done).”
He looked out the window and then at me and asked sincerely:
“What should I do now? To give us the best chance of coming back together if she’s willing to give me another chance after I’ve done the work?” he asked with a bit of trepidation.
“I really hear you …” I commented, “and I don’t want us to get in a rush about this … but your next step is a letter.”
“But before you begin even starting it …
· You simply must KNOW that you KNOW that you KNOW what you have done
· You must abandon all excuses, justifications, and explanations
· You must be prepared to be fully transparent
· You must set aside your “timetable”
· You must be humble, courageous and determined”
I could see he was with me.
It took us some time to get there. But when he was there, I told him I wanted him to work on a letter, following the outline (provided below).
I told him to write as if he was journaling in the beginning, to just pour everything in him out. Then we would work on it together before he sent it.
The outline:
· A brief definition of your VMH and its sensitivities
· An acknowledgement of your aggressions (what they looked like, sounded like, and what you guess they felt like to her)
· Give specific examples (3 – 5)
§ What happened and what your aggression looked like/sounded like
§ What you did when it was over (ignored it, promised to stop, etc.)
§ How it must’ve affected her (guess how she felt)
§ How you did or did not help her or make repairs
§ What you should’ve done (or wish you had done)
· Acknowledge how you kept doing it again and again
· Share a bit about what you’re learning about the VMH roots in your life
· Share a bit about what you’re doing to heal the roots
· Humble yourself and share about what you see it’s done to her and to the relationship
· Tell her you’d like to make amends, and help her heal regardless of the future of the relationship
· Tell her what you’ve learned about the value of her and the relationship by looking at these truths
· Tell her you know it’ll take time for her to see any transformation in you, but you hope to have the opportunity (with no pressure or manipulation!)
“Wow! That’s a lot … but it’s time,” he reflected. “I know … it’s past time. Maybe too late. But it’s the right thing for me to do. For once in my selfish life (as she once said) … to be more concerned about her than about me and what I want.”
Tears slipped out of his eyes as he shared this from his heart.
*****
Next week, I will write more about the healing process.
I will also share some portions of his letter.
And an update on what’s happened in his relationship
over the past few weeks.
I hope you’ll take this seriously.
You may be thinking: “Who even does this ‘stuff’?”
I’m glad you asked …
People who truly desire to live their best lives.
People who truly care about their relationships.
People who are not ashamed to walk on a road less traveled.
I could go on and on …
If that’s not you, I wish you the best.
But I know that most of my readers are all of that and more.
“Fulfilling relationship require attention and care. The concept of ‘work’ within a relationship means that partners remain thoughtful and intentional about communicating and behaving in ways that maintain emotional intimacy and closeness. This ‘work’ is ongoing and proactive, not just reactive to problems. Much of the work in a relationship is in service of maintaining or building closeness.”
Ali Flowers, Marriage Therapist
Do whatever it takes … and I’ll help you know exactly what that is if you will join me on this journey!
I know it may feel like you are giving up a lot for this …
“Whoever loses their life will find their life.”
Jesus