“I would’ve never guessed that we could move forward from all I’ve done. But I can literally see her healing and I’m so … so thankful!” my client shared after completing the second set of 3 steps on …
“Fixing What You’ve Broken.”
“When she shared her perspective on what happened at that moment, it broke my heart. I know it needed to …”
“I didn’t think I could sing that song for her because I was so broken. But when I did, it did something to both of us!”
“I will ask her to do it again if she needs to this week.”
“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Harder than studying for and taking the LSAT. Harder than watching my mom die. Harder than anything!”
“But honestly, I believe it is making me a better man. And certainly, a better husband. I’ve got a long way to go … but even she says she sees a difference!”
It’s why I do what I do.
When someone embraces their discomfort to embrace intimacy that’s foreign to them, change has to happen.
Why?
Because when progress/surrender gets to that point, the change needed becomes servant to their deepest need to change.
-My heart was full of gratitude for them both.
-It was clear she was healing.
-And that he was growing tremendously.
I often tell the Coaches that I train and certify, that one of the greatest benefits is putting your head on the pillow at night, knowing that you’ve had a small part in transforming lives and marriages!
That the people have found the changes to want to stay and grow their happiness together.
Although I don’t know how many people have read this and followed the steps thus far … what I do know is that literally hundreds of people, close to 1000, have downloaded the worksheet.
-I hope if you do not need the process personally, now, you’ll continue to follow along for a time until you might or do need it.
-Or that someone you love needs it.
-Then you can share it with them.
We will move forward with 3 more steps this week.
Then I will continue for another week or two to expound on the future for those who’ve done the exercise.
Then share some of the questions and answers that have poured in.
I turned to my client with thankfulness, deep joy, and validation and said: “You have done a wonderful job, and I am so happy for you, for your wife, and for the future you are creating for the two of you!”
His smile radiated! I added: “And I’m very proud of you for stepping up, doing the hard things, and staying with it!”
His eyes lit with joy and said nearly interrupting.
“Well, that’s why I’m here! I’m ready for what’s next! And for the first time, since we started this, I’m not scared to death about what’s next …”
I responded.
“What I will share this week is maintenance, a specific step, and preparation for a great future.”
Whether or not you have begun the steps, it’s not too late.
I hope you will begin the journey.
Particularly if your partner knows that you’re reading this.
To not make the efforts sends a loud message of either a lack of interest or a lack of care.
Humility begats humility.
If it doesn’t do that over time, then we have another issue.
But everyone’s best chance to heal?
-Walk and talk humbly.
-Keep a mirror on you.
-Commit to no answers and let the answers find you.
I’m aware that that’s usually not what is going on internally.
Usually, it’s fear or concern about being able to do it.
And some amount of cynicism about the outcome.
I want to assure you that I’ve NEVER had anyone engaged in this process and completed it without good (usually great) results.
It’s not too late.
Jump in!
I know you have the courage!
I know you have the strength!
(From my AA friend. “Control is subtle. But in truth it’s a programming that you become to prop your dual-compromised lifestyle and insecurities that become character flaws. When you’ve become that, you literally must break into your thinking streams, pause the ones on a continuum that’ve never worked, and then continue that cycle until you’ve installed an equally powerful process to overrun/capture the other. Then … use every tool of recovery to make this new installed thinking your source of humility and change… “Entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”)
“Procrastination is one of the most common and deadliest of diseases and its toll on success and happiness is heavy.” Wayne Gretzky
LET’S DO THIS!
- Check in & repeat needed steps.
I shared with my client, “One of the most important things is to check in every 3 or 4 days and ask: ‘How are you doing after our last process’?”
-I could see by my client’s face that he’d not done that.
-I assured him that he wasn’t behind.
-That it was OK to begin that process now.
I know for the one who is initiating these exercises, they just want it to be over with. They just want a quick fix.
That is totally understandable. However, you must step into a higher place and understand that lack of follow through is simply not acceptable in this process.
My client looked a bit confused by that, so I said, “It’s like if someone near and dear to you had open heart surgery. Hopefully, after the surgeon came out to tell you that they made it through the surgery, you wouldn’t just leave and act like it never happened.”
I nodded in affirmation and shared.
“Hopefully you’d check in to make sure their recovery was going OK, and ask if there’s anything that you could do to help them as they held a pillow against their chest to manage the pain.”
My client admitted, “That does make total sense. And I must admit that it’s hard for me to circle back and check in on her. Because I know how painful this is for her … but I guess that sends a message in and of itself,” he said with regret
“Yes, it does,” I commented and then ask,
“What message do you think it would send to her?”
“Probably that she’s still having to do so much of it alone. And that makes me look like a weak man,” he said with disappointment in himself.
“The other thing that I need for you to do is to ask her if she needs to repeat the exercise of last week as you said you would, If she says no, ask her again in about a week,” I instructed him.
“If she says yes, arrange it promptly.”
I paused before I continued in length.
“And have another song ready. (Or you can repeat the same song).” I advised. Most importantly, keep the check ins going. It’s simply too great of a risk to assume they’re OK, or to fail to show concern. Checking in lays the foundation for a future and rebuilds trust. It sends a message that you care.”
Although it might seem small, it’s one of the most crucial steps.
What is it that extraordinarily happy couples are doing?
“One of the important things is checking in.
We listen to their experience with caring attention.
These daily check-ins allow for a feeling of connection that sustains the couple’s bond.”
Linda & Charlie Bloom, Relationship Therapists
- Ask for time. New Graphic & Love Notes.
“When I hear you say something about asking for time… I know something else big is coming. But I’m ready, so lay it on me!” my client invited.
I love it when clients go from being totally resistant to wonderfully open!
“In this meeting, which I also hope you’ll set up with care … you’ll be bringing her original graphic with all your love notes written on the back. Depending on when you do it this week, it should have at least 14 entries. One for each day since she gave it to you.”
“If you followed the instructions, you told her in the end of that exercise that you hoped that the graphic would look much different with some healing,” I reminded.
“Come with another clean sheet, and markers or pens. Ask her (before pulling out her first graphic) if she’d be willing to write or draw an abstract graphic of the condition of her brain and her heart after some healing work.”
“Then give her the sheet of paper and markers and be patiently present while she completes the graphic.”
“Just as last time, ask her if there’s anything she’d like to share about it. If she does … reflect, validate, and empathize. You should be great at that by now, but here’s the outline in case you need it.”
(I gave him a new copy of the handout, but here it is for you):
REFLECT. This is where you reflect back to them, what you’ve heard them share.
Not just the words, but with the same tone and sentiment that he/she shared them with you. Ask if you got it right.
VALIDATE. That’s where you begin with the stem sentence: “It makes sense to me that …”
That’s where you insert something that you learned listening to him/her. Or an insight you had. Or something that you’d never connected the dots on previously.
EMPATHIZE. You do that with this stem sentence: “After listening to you share your experience, I’m guessing right now you must be feeling …”
Then make your very best guess about what 3 feelings he/she might be feeling at that very moment …
It’s OK if you’re wrong. As long as you’re making sincere guesses from trying to look at it from his/her point of view.
Then you ask, “Did I get that right?”
If you did, then you move on. If not, you ask him/her to clarify.
Then reflect that and ask if you got it right … until … you do get it right!
“Then pull out her first graphic, and ask her what’s better about the second one than the first?”
Reflect, validate, empathize.
“Then give her the one with all of your love notes and tell her that you just wanted her to know that the graphic inspired you to write something to her daily and that you’d like for her to have it.”
I could see my client was very moved by this opportunity.
“I used to think that these kinds of things were just so awkward and weird. And now I see it as the real key to healing and intimacy!”
I shared with him that I often say that these “magic moments” are a lot like the lyrics to an old song by the Drifters: (https://youtu.be/bacBKKgc4Uo)
This magic moment
So different and so new
But like any other
Until I kissed you
And then it happened
It took me by surprise
I knew that you felt it too
By the look in your eyes
Finding a healthy sense of intimacy is uncomfortable.
Why?
It’s as simple as … you/I/us live from substitute feelings that we now must replace with new/true feelings and their expressions that we know to change.
It’s as complex as … you/I/us live from substitute feelings that we now must replace with new/true feelings and their expressions that we know to change.
Don’t miss the opportunity to create magic moments!
- Rebuilding Trust
Anytime something has been broken, you must engage in a process of rebuilding trust. And rebuilding trust takes all things new.
Trust can be broken in a lot of ways in a relationship:
- Going back on your word.
- Not being there when your partner is going through something difficult.
- Withholding love.
- Breaking something.
Time does not rebuild trust.
Trust is rebuilt with commitment, great communication, and daily investment.
Your consistency with building trust may seem difficult and it may seem like it’s taking too long.
However, it is so worth the effort.
“If both sides are committed to the process of rebuilding trust, you might find that you both come out stronger than before — both as a couple and on your own.” Dr. Timothy Legg
My client nodded with understanding, and commented, “I know it’s going to take time, but I think these healing exercises accelerate it.”
I replied, “Indeed they do!”
“What specific things can I do to begin rebuilding the trust?” my client asked, clearly dedicated to getting started.
“I like to use Brené Brown‘s acronym of braving to get people started on rebuilding the trust,” I informed him.
Boundaries – Having limits & guidelines that are clearly stated and honored.
Reliability -Doing what you say you’ll do over and over and over.
Accountability – When you make a mistake, own it, apologize, and make amends.
Vault – Trusting you will keep my stories private and not tell me stories that are not yours to tell.
Integrity – Choosing courage over comfort instead of protecting, defending, explaining. Choosing what’s right over fun, fast, easy.
Non-judgement – Feeling comfortable asking for help, knowing if I don’t, you can’t trust me to help you. All with no judgement.
Generosity – Assuming the best & most generous thing about my words, intentions & behaviors. If in doubt, seeking to understand.
“I also have a worksheet that I would like for you to use to score yourself and to set your path weekly,” I said, as I handed him the worksheet.
(You can download the worksheet here.)
My client appeared a bit overwhelmed as he looked over the BRAVING, and the worksheet.
“This is a lot. Especially the reliability, the integrity, and the generosity.,. However, I can see exactly what I need to do. I would have never connected these things to rebuilding trust,” he confessed.
“You’ve done so well thus far, I know you will step into these things as well,” I validated.
“I’m definitely in the ‘whatever it takes’ mode now, so I commit to doing all of these things!” my client commented with determination.
If you would like to hear more about this, here is a link to a talk by Brené Brown, which might be helpful to you: (https://youtu.be/z64zll3uxBs?si=msAbPLv0o0t7CMJw)
You can do this! I know you can… And I believe you will!
“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”
Stephen Covey
Fixing what we broken is one of the greatest growth opportunities we can have in life.
It is not easy, but it is valuable.
How valuable is it?
Priceless!
I believe that once we’ve broken something, whether it’s our word, whether it’s a promise, whether it’s a heart… we can heal what we’ve broken, and to become a better person as a result.
“When we harm others, we harm ourselves in the process, and rationalizing or defending only makes us feel worse. It causes us to feel a more profound shame as it pulls us from our humanity and connection — accountability and making amends helps us heal the other, which allows us to forgive ourselves. Finally, when we can be accountable and make amends, we’re forced to face our humanness. Our fallibility. It’s painful, but it forces us to understand ourselves more deeply and hold ourselves with compassion. It helps us learn from the experience and grow – in our relationship with ourselves and our capacity to love others.” Dr. Samantha Stein
I know you are ready for this courageous step forward.
And I honor you for it!
Trust is the door to every freedom and unless we’re willing to chance our heart with it again, joy will remain a ‘what if’.