Questions & Answers About Attachment Wounds / Styles
“I don’t know how I got a degree in sociology and have never even heard of any of this stuff!”
My client that I’ve been using as an example as I’ve written about attachment wounding and attachment styles over the past number of weeks, made this comment about halfway through his process.
“Although it’s not new information …” I shared.
“For many years we just looked at it as a connection or attachment disorder in general. Now we’ve come to understand more about the causes, wounds, symptoms, and struggles.”
I remember us both laughing when he said, “Well I can see how it helps to know the distinction… I just never dreamed that I’d be all three!?”
When I share people’s stories (always with their permission) I sometimes get lots of questions like:
“Whatever happened to the guy who …” Or “the couple that …”
This week I’m moving to questions that I have received over the past number of weeks regarding the 3 unhealthy attachment styles.
But I will close the loop on my client who really did have…
-Major signs of all 3 of the attachment styles…
-Along with the wounding.
If you’ve followed the series, you know his wife came and joined him a number of times during his journey and was very supportive to him in his process.
But you’ll also remember that she was practically packed and out the door when we began.
I share that, because I say often to people whose relationships are floundering due to these things … it’s never too late for the relationship to heal.
Although I don’t see him regularly at this point, I do hear from both of them frequently.
He’s continuing his healing work.
They’re working tenaciously on rebuilding trust, using Brené Brown’s BRAVING method that I shared several weeks ago.
I shared with them via email that I was closing the loop on their story and asked what they hoped I would share with those who’d been following along.
His response:
“Don’t allow pride to keep you from looking at any attachment problems you have … or even the damage it’s done in your relationship. We would’ve never shared…
-the great intimacy…
-loads of laughter…
and the joy in living together had we not taken an earnest look.”
Her response:
“The man I fell in love with, and always knew was in there, has returned! I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life, and I only wish we’d started sooner. Don’t give up too soon!”
I love hearing the stories with the people I work with.
But it’s even more honoring to hear from those of you who are reading the blogs, following along, and finding great healing and transformation!
I’m choosing questions from each of the attachment wounds and styles that seem to represent most of the questions I’ve received. I hope you’ll find them helpful.
The desire for peace is something that’s universal to all of us.
We had to download a worldview (unbeknownst to us as we grew up) that we now use to navigate connection.
It’s at this intersection of what we perceive and how we proceed that challenges that quest for peace.
AND … I assure you that I CAN get you there!
You’re always welcome to message me directly and I’ll do my best to get back with answers. (DrNeecie@DrNeecie.com)
Questions about anxious attachment wounds and attachments styles.
Anxious attachment wounds occur when parents and/or other significant caregivers are unable to attune consistently to the needs of the child.
Resulting in wounds that cause an often awkward, yet deep desire for connection and intimacy, which results in hit and miss results in relationships.
That desire for connection is accompanied by fear of abandonment and an unrealistic need for reassurance on an ongoing basis.
“Do I have to come off of my anxiety medication to heal these wounds?”
Let me respond upfront the way I responded to each person who asked a similar question.
Even though it’s certainly not a question that I can answer, I’d like to point you to your medical provider for that question.
However, I will say this…
-My hope is that everyone who does the healing work on an anxious or fearful attachment style…
-Will find less and less need for anti-anxiety agents.
Once again, that’s not a prescription, it’s just a suggestion and hope for you.
There is absolutely no reason that you could not begin your healing journey on the medication that you are currently on.
The steps for healing are the same whether you’re on medication or not.
Please don’t allow whether or not you’re on medication to prevent you from beginning your healing journey!
“My counselor told me that I cannot heal from these attachment wounds if I need or ask for help from my partner. Is that true? And if so, why?”
Since I do not know your specific situation, I would certainly not blatantly contradict anything that your counselor may have told you.
I would suggest…
-You share my response with him or her…
-To get more clarity on what they’ve shared with you in this regard.
I’m a big believer in healing partnership.
That does not mean that your partner is responsible for your healing.
But let me share my definition of healing partnership:
“Two people who are fully committed to their relationship, their own personal growth & development, and the personal growth & development of their partner. They come alongside one another with a stance of zero negativity, full accountability … committed to noting the impact of their words, behavior, and decisions on the other person, and on the relationship. They’re present with one another and invest daily in the relationship.” Dr. Neecie
When I work with couples and one is working on an attachment disorder or wound, I assess first…
-If the relationship is strong enough for my client…
-To be vulnerable about this.
If so, I often suggest that they share with their partner…
-What they’re working on and…
-If there’s something that they could do to help…
-Then ask. (Not demand, not make them guess!)
It’s not fair to just make a general request such as: “Help me…”
Instead, I help my clients come up with specific things that their partner might be helpful with.
And then to turn it into a positive, specific, behavior change request.
For example, recently I was working with a wife who was doing great work.
But she’s had a hard time keeping her balance in conversations regarding finances.
After discussing it further, she realized that some of the comments that her husband would make were difficult for her.
She’d immediately go into panic mode.
-We identified the exact nature of what triggered her.
-And what might be helpful to her.
Because their relationship seemed safe, she formulated this request.
“When we’re speaking about finances, would you be willing to ask me questions about the nature of some of my expenditures before making comments about them?”
She made the request; after explaining the work she was doing on her anxious attachment.
He not only agreed but actually stopped making comments at all about her expenditures.
He went beyond her request and assured her at every conversation that he appreciated her frugal nature regarding their finances.
It was a small thing, but it was huge for my client.
Don’t life’s frustrations mostly come down to the simple looping mundane stuff we face daily?
The key is learning to react like we usually do with our team members at work … and create that kind of culture in our homes!
A culture of honor … just … works!
Once again because I don’t know the nature of your relationship, perhaps you could share this with your counselor and see if this format might be something that could be helpful to you and your process.
“My partner has an anxious attachment style, and it’s painful to watch him be so disturbed. Is there anything I can do to help?”
As I shared in the last response, it’s certainly not your responsibility to do your partner’s healing work on a difficult attachment style.
However, many people are not even aware of attachment styles or attachment wounds.
Perhaps you could find a time to have a conversation…
-And share about them…
-And compassionately share how you watch them struggle.
And then certainly it would be appropriate to ask them if they’d be willing to read and learn more about it.
Then offer your support.
More often than not when people are struggling…
-They have no idea why…
-And don’t really know what to do with the struggle.
As long as you can have the conversation with no shame involved, it could be a wonderful gift to him/her.
Remember many conversation methods up to this point, haven’t/don’t work.
Remember, seek peace and then pursue it. About this.
And everything else!
Questions about avoidant / dismissive attachment style and avoidant / dismissive wounds.
Avoidant / dismissive attachment wounds occur when parents and/or other significant caregivers…
-Are emotionally unavailable…
-Promoting independence far too early.
Resulting in wounds that cause a resistance to anything beyond shallow conversation and surface connection, dismissing needs of others.
Often leaving their partners lonely and longing for real connection.
“That describes my wife perfectly. And after reading your blogs, I can understand her wounds now. She was a latchkey kid as early as kindergarten. But I know she doesn’t see it. Is it OK if I speak to her about it? And how would I do so in a healthy way?”
It is absolutely appropriate to speak to her in a loving way about it.
But I always tell the partners of someone with an avoidant/dismissive attachment style…
-That true to their wounding…
-They will likely dismiss it.
Don’t take it personally.
-And if you’re in a strong enough place…
-Be humorous with it.
The rule of thumb about anything that you want to share with your partner in a healthy way is to do so from a place of concern and compassion with absolutely no shame involved.
Because they have a lifelong habit of dismissing everything.
Sometimes it can feel like a rodeo trying to get them to see it.
But don’t allow yourself to do the roping and tying.
If that’s what it takes, let a professional do that.
If you see any of these attachment wounds in yourself, it’ll give you some leverage to speak about your own first.
And then to talk about what you intend to do to begin your own healing process.
Because you, and so many other others asked how to do it…that alone makes me feel fairly confident that you’d do it from a place of care and compassion.
“I’ve read everything you’ve written about this, and I know it describes me like you’ve been following me. But it seems to me like society encourages and rewards us for taking care of ourselves, avoiding conflict, and just giving other people time and space to get over it. Am I missing something? How do I swim up that stream that feels like a white water rapid?”
You aren’t missing a thing!
In our culture (and many others) we reward people for letting everything roll off their backs, avoiding conflict, or being ‘level’ (or more accurately put ‘shut down’) all the time.
And there’s some merit to all of that.
However, although it may work in a professional setting somewhat, it’s very difficult and lonely to be in a relationship with someone who…
-Dismisses you…
-Dismisses your thoughts…
-Dismisses your feelings…
-Who avoids meaningful conversation.
Don’t shoot me!
You may not do any of those things.
But I feel fairly certain that if you had an open and honest conversation with those you love, they’d confess that they long for more depth and connection in the relationship.
To be honest, when we dismiss things, it’s for our own comfort.
And often without considering the impact it has on those who love us.
Finding and living in a healthy form of intimacy feels foreign.
But it’s the very thing that those we love long and wait for us to find, do, and become.
Once we do…that’s where freedom is found.
It delighted me to hear that you see yourself in this and you’re willing to do the work.
In the famous words of Nike: JUST DO IT!
“I know I have an avoidant attachment style, and I think my wife has an anxious attachment style. We really love each other. But are there any tips to making our relationship work without so much drama?”
Although this is not always the case, these relationships (a combo of anxious and avoidant) normally have a lot of ups and downs.
And the longer you’re together without addressing the wounding and attachment styles, the more deeply ingrained the patterns become.
And they’re often filled with drama.
Who knows which is first…The chicken or the egg…
But I’ll just jump in.
The anxious person is…
-Reaching for more…
-And may need a lot of reassurance.
The avoidant person withdraws…
-Overwhelmed…
-Creating as much distance from that as possible.
Which makes the person with the anxious attachment style, even more insecure.
Fear of abandonment kicks in.
Their solution is a deep talk, hoping and reaching for more reassurance.
The avoidant partner heads for the hills.
They may or may not leave physically.
But they may disappear into an internal cave within.
Which is a golden invitation to the anxious partner to come with…
-A flashlight…
-A pick…
-And an ax…trying to get into the cave.
LET THE DRAMA BEGIN.
When you can both look at your attachment style,
you can begin to work together.
(This kind of work changes everything…don’t you want to grow?!)
I recently gave a couple who had this combination this assignment.
I asked the one with anxious attachment to simply say to her husband when she was feeling anxious… “I need some reassurance, but I’m first going to spend some time journaling and reassuring myself.”
I had the person with the avoidant style make a commitment to supporting her and inviting her to share it with him later the same day.
I coached him to be totally present and to reflect, validate, and empathize what she shared.
This one small exercise led to a beautiful reconnection.
Questions about fearful avoidant (or anxious dismissive) attachment style and wounds.
Fearful avoidant (disorganized) attachment wounds occur when parents and/or other significant caregivers are unpredictable in their parenting, and often there’s exposure to trauma.
Resulting in wounds that cause a deep desire for intimacy, accompanied by being terrified of it.
They create connection with their charm.
Then create chaos and drama to get distance.
“My husband has a past that absolutely lines up with everything you said about this. I actually got him to take the little assessment you provided, and he found it interesting. I think he might be willing to work on it. But before I ask him to, I must confess it’s been a long road. How do you know when too much damage has been done?”
When I hear the question about too much damage being done, or being too late, I wonder if fearful avoidant attachment wounds are at play.
There’s no doubt that this attachment style is not only a battle within…
but also creates chaos in a relationship.
I am sorry to hear that a lot of damage has been done.
And I never encourage anyone to stay in a situation where abuse is occurring.
However, I often say (if there’s no abuse)…
What do you have to lose? Maybe a little time.
But if you stay, and they’re willing to do the healing,
I promise the fulfillment will be worth the journey.
-My world view is that it’s never too late.
-And there’s never too much damage that’s been done.
-If two people are willing to work and heal together.
“Although I had never heard of this stuff before, clearly, I’m fearful avoidant, fully equipped with the wounds and the relationship history to prove it. The things you said that I should do to heal sound a little bit scary. Do I have to have a counselor or therapist or coach? Is it possible to do this on my own? I need to do it … Badly!”
Although I may be talking myself out of a career…
-The whole reason I write what I write…
-Is because I believe that with the willingness…
-To do the work …
-Along with great information…
-Anyone can heal.
I heard a great man say once: “Knowledge is not power. Execution is more powerful and leaves knowledge in the dust.”
That’s the key. Not just reading but DOING!
It sounds to me like you’re not just one consuming knowledge for knowledge’s sake. But that you want to heal and do the work.
Follow the steps.
If you end up getting stuck or needing help, definitely reach out for some additional help.
My mission in life is to do my best to leave no one behind.
Some cannot afford therapy, counseling, or coaching.
Some counselors, coaches, or therapists wouldn’t know what to do if you reached out to them.
My deep desire is to equip counselors and therapists.
Train, and certify coaches.
Help as many individuals as I can by sharing blogs, such as these.
To address your fear, let me assure you that you will not ‘lose it’ or ‘decompensate’ on your own.
That’s a great fear for everyone who has fearful avoidant attachment wounds.
I honor your determination, and you may email me if you have questions.
***
If we don’t fix what we can fix nothing will change.
And if nothing changes peace will remain an illusive pipe dream.
I hope you will take each assessment I have provided…and follow the healing steps on each of the attachment wounds and styles.
Remember…you did not choose your attachment wounds or styles.
They are NOT your fault.
However, it IS your responsibility to acknowledge them and to do the healing work.
