“I know that this is the wound that says my ‘attach-er’ is really broken. I guess it’s the granddaddy of all of them!” my client said zestfully with a bit of trepidation …
I laughed as I assured him that the same thing applies to what I’ve said about all 3 of the attachment style wounds.
“There is a 100% possibility that 100% of us can heal from these wounds…if we’re willing do the work!”
Have you ever been in my position?
Knowing what someone needs to change…and can?
Knowing what to do…but won’t?
I’m going to give you a path with a success rate of 100%, to a better, richer, fuller life…do you want it?
Now that I have your attention…let’s do this!
Disorganized attachment (also called fearful avoidant or anxious dismissive) has nothing to do with your organizational skills in your closet or office.
Your attachment style is ‘disorganized’ because of unpredictable experiences and trauma in your early life.
-The disorganization is internal.
-And creates unpredictable behavior.
“I know now that my behavior has been unpredictable. But I had no idea prior to learning about this whole thing that my life was unpredictable,” he explained.
“I thought I was predictable because I had a good profession, I went to work every day, and I mowed the lawn on Saturdays!”
I nodded and added: “Not every area of a person’s life has to be unpredictable to be disorganized in your attachment style. Plus, when you grew up around unpredictability…your ‘norm’ is unpredictable.”
“And remember…you didn’t choose your attachment style. It was installed on your hard drive (your brain) and your heart drive (your emotions) before you could even throw a ball!”
He nodded, but I could still sense the shame in his expression.
“I admire your courage to do what it takes to heal your attachment style. And since you’ve done such great work on the first 2 attachment wounds … you’ve got a real head start!” I affirmed.
I really do have great admiration for those who can identify themselves in this attachment style…and are willing to roll up their sleeves and do the work.
I hope that you reading this will inspire you to do the same!
You’ve got the courage and the determination…now let’s get started on the healing steps.
You can and will have a healthy attachment style, and all the rewards that come with it, including rich relationships.
All of life comes down to interactions with yourself and then those you love and are called upon to connect with.
-It’s a BIG deal…we don’t get second chances at first impressions.
-It’s not easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
-What you/we say and/or do is our right and responsibility to ourselves and those we love.
-It’s our ever present attempt to have an abundant relationship with life and with others!.
“Here’s the good news: healing is not only possible—it’s transformative. When you begin to understand your attachment patterns, you unlock the power to shift your relationships, calm your nervous system, and rewrite the story you’ve been unconsciously living out. You don’t have to stay caught in cycles of emotional chaos.” Briana MacWilliams
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Assess yourself honestly. No judgement allowed!
My client said this with sincerity: “I understand that you don’t want me to judge myself. You just want me to get my GPS location so I can get the directions to a healthy connection.”
I nodded as he continued to share with clear remorse.
“But it’s hard to not have judgement when I realize I was unpredictable as a husband and a dad. That I was more difficult than I wanted to be. And that I hurt them in all the ways I never meant to.”
I waited as he asked innocently, “I mean, should I tell them I know I was an *ss too much of the time?”
With compassion, I leaned forward and replied softly.
“It’s okay to let them know you’re aware, and that you’re working on things. But as you transform from disorganized to healthy attachment, they will be so grateful…they won’t need much explanation. I say it’s a beautiful opportunity to make ‘living amends’ … living in a way that heals what has occurred in the past.”
The instructions for assessment are the same as the the previous 2 weeks where we looked at anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.
To assess yourself, read each of the following statements, and rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5.
(One indicating that you rarely feel, struggle with, or display the symptom…5 indicating that it’s an ongoing battle regularly).
_____ Using endearing statements, such as “I love you” sparingly and often conditionally.
_____ Using double negatives when speaking of the relationship. “It’s not that I don’t love you…”
_____ Fiercely protecting your independence.
_____ Behaving as a “one-man band.”
_____ Going silent or staring when someone shares vulnerability with you.
_____ Shutting down when anyone shares emotions.
_____ Being somewhere between conflict avoidant and conflict adverse.
_____ Expressing discomfort with public displays of the relationship via photographs, social media, etc.
_____ Prioritizing social media, sports, and other interests over the relationship.
_____ Firmly denying this, despite the evidence.
_____ Withdrawing from the relationship, saying you need some time to ‘think about ‘things’. Sometimes that involves separation, sometimes just a trip, or sometimes doing things solo for a while. Or at least emotional distancing.
_____ Being passionately devoted to things such as sports, Netflix, reading, etc.
_____ Fiercely protecting and defending your time for these things.
_____ Rarely displaying physical affection, except for when wanting sexual intimacy.
_____ Having difficulty making firm decisions and commitments. (When asked if you would like to go somewhere, the response likely contains many “if’s, but’s, or maybe’s.”)
_____ Ignoring bids for connection.
_____ Labeling the others’ normal needs as “being needy”.
_____ Making normal requests seem burdensome or pathological.
_____ Seeing your partner as a safe haven (or the best thing that ever happened to you) at one moment … and as the ‘enemy’ the next.
_____ Hearing that you are ‘intense’ or ‘reactive’ and having a poor reaction and needing to defend yourself (instead of learning and growing).
_____ Denying things you’ve said or done (not necessarily because you are lying, but at least because you live under such intense stress from your wounds that you really have a hazy and selective memory).
_____ Being told you’re controlling when you actually feel out of control.
_____ Hearing that others walk on eggshells around you.
_____ Being moody and dysregulated without realizing it.
_____ Feeling misunderstood often.
_____ Displaying hostile and/or unpleasant moods.
_____ Responding to anything you don’t want to hear with denials, justifications, or explanations.
_____ Comparing yourself out of any of the above (I’m not as bad as I used to be, or I’m not as bad as ________ …)
Any of us can do any of these things occasionally…but if you find yourself with 3’s, 4’s, and 5’s … you are likely struggling with the unfair wounds of disorganized attachment.
-You don’t deserve that.
-No one does.
-But telling yourself the truth is over half of the healing process.
My client proclaimed after a sigh: “It’s me…100% of it! I’ve denied, justified, gaslit any and everyone who’s said these things about me. But I’m tired. Really tired. Of doing all of that…and I’m ready to heal…to become the husband and dad I always wanted to be.”
I know you feel the same way if you see yourself in this attachment style.
I write these weekly blogs to pass on what I’ve seen work time after time… AND THESE WEEKLY BLOGS ARE FREE!
“Doing” (not just reading … following the steps) is your door to changing everything.
And it truly is more times than not…that simple and that complex!
SO… Let the healing begin!
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Heal the core wounding from early messages.
Most researchers and clinicians agree that many of the behaviors that result from this wounding are similar.
Examining these common beliefs, and reprogramming them plays a HUGE role in healing the wounds and moving us onto a healthy attachment style.
My client shared, “I have to admit that in the beginning of looking at this stuff, I didn’t really see how these messages you talk about could affect so much of my life. Mostly because I didn’t even know they were there. But I see now they made me into the man I became… I sure wish I had known all of this years ago!”
He could sense my conviction as I shared:
“We all do…
-but we know when we know….
-now is your moment…
-your turn to rework the messages that drive your behaviors…
-your attitudes…
-your tones…
-all the stuff you’re not proud of!”
The same is true for you, my friend.
Let’s look at some of the core messages that come from this wounding.
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I want and need love, but likely won’t get it.
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It will hurt me.
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This world isn’t a safe place.
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I don’t have what it takes to be enough.
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But I’ll kill myself acting like I do.
Why do we end up with messages like these?
Well, when we grow up in survival mode (due to emotional trauma, neglect, and/or unpredictable parenting) it leaves us with conflicting messages.
We believe them all.
And have an internal civil war raging inside most if not all of our lives.
The beginning of healing is challenging these disempowering and crippling messages.
In my office, I do deep-debrief’s of these messages.
But I’ll guide you through doing your own.
This is not hocus-pocus…all these exercises are founded in the newest breakthroughs in neuropsychology.
WE HAVE THE POWER TO REWIRE OURSELVES.
Or as Dr. Daniel Amen says, “Change your brain…change your life!”
Here are the basic steps … then I will walk you through my client’s process of one of these messages.
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Guess where it came from (it’s okay if you are wrong).
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Challenge it.
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Journal proof that it may not be 100% true.
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Scramble it.
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Replace it with an empowering message.
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Install it.
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Practice it in your relationships.
I will share my clients process with the last commonly-shared message … “I’m not enough, but I’ll kill myself acting like I am.”
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Guess where it came from (it’s okay if you’re wrong).
“Well, our folks made sure we weren’t “enough” at anything. But I got the part about acting like I was from both of them. They were both pitiful victims. I hated that ‘poor me’ crap! I decided I’d never be like that. So, I guess I overcompensated.”
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Challenge it.
“Well, if I’d just be who and what I was created to be (you’ve talked about that so much I believe there’s something to it)…then I wouldn’t have to act like I was ‘something.’ It’s all so crazy. Now I can see how I do it ALL THE TIME…what a sad way to live …”
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Journal proof that it may not be 100% true.
“I’ve had moments when I was just authentic. Present. Fun. Centered. I think my family lived for those moments. So, I know it’s in me somewhere.” (He iterated many examples).
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Scramble it.
We did a scrambling exercise. You can use the same one.
I had him write the message in large letters on a piece of paper: “I’LL KILL MYSELF ACTING LIKE I’M ENOUGH!”
I turned an old song on with volume that vibrated our bones:
“Hit the Road Jack… and don’t-cha come back no more, no more!”)
Then I had him rip it up into many tiny pieces while stomping them in the ground while the music was playing loudly! We ripped, stomped, and jumped till it was visibly out of his system!
By the way, if this is not outside your comfort zone, you aren’t doing it correctly!
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Replace it with an empowering message.
Take some time to craft a better message to live by.
My client’s was… “I will live as all I was created to be…and that’s more than enough!”
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Install it.
Here’s how we installed it:
He wrote his new message in large letters on my whiteboard, or you use a piece of paper. He stood in front of the board with his new message on it (or you can tape it to the wall).
We chose another song: Jon Secada’s:
“Do you see what I see
A rainbow shining over us
In the middle of a hopeless storm
Sometimes I’m blinded by my feelings
And I can’t see beyond my troubled mind
Afraid of what I’ll find
The story of our lives
But there’s tomorrow.
Cause I’m free, I’m free
And things are only as important
As I want them to be
We’ll have a breath of sunshine
When the rain goes away
I pray, I pray.”
-Jump up and down or march in place as you say it aloud.
-Each time, more powerfully and more confidently!
-All while marching in place!
(There are tons of studies showing that if you add movement and volume, you truly make neuro connections that would otherwise takes months).
Our brains are programmed to respond to our focus and energy.
Remember,
-if it’s not outside of your comfort zone…
-it won’t get installed!
You will know when it drops from your head into your very soul.
My client’s tears streaming made it clear it had occurred.
He had installed a new message…
that would bring…great transformation!
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Practice it in your relationships.
I will share more about this in step 3.
After addressing your version of these messages…find any others running underground…that are directing your life in ways that are not inspirint you and calling your best version of you forward …
Do the same process with those!
Please don’t just be like someone sitting in the stands watching an event.
Get in the arena.
Get in the game.
As Brene Brown says:
“If you’re not in the arena getting, you’re *ss kicked on occasion, I am not interested in or open to your feedback. There are a million cheap seats in the world today filled with people who will never be brave with their own lives, but will spend every ounce of energy they have hurling advice and judgement at those of us trying to dare greatly.”
I know you’re in the arena…daring greatly!
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Practice your new powerful messages in your relationships.
“This is where it gets very scary for me,” my client confessed.
“First of all, I don’t know how to do this stuff. But secondly, what if I don’t get it right?”
“You try again!” I proclaimed.
“I know it’s scary. Very scary. To go from a man ‘acting’ like he’s got it together. To a vulnerable, authentic man who says, ‘I feel like I’m learning to ride a bike. I don’t know how to do this’. No more ‘fake it till you make it’!”
“But I will help you do it scared!”
To you reading this, I know it’s scary.
And I know some of you are not married
or in a serious relationship.
Do these things with your kids…
-your adult children…
-your friends…
-a trusted coworker.
It must be someone you know is on your side.
Has your back.
But willing to be honest with you.
Here are the scary, but powerful steps:
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Share with them what you’ve learned about your attachment wounds and attachment style.
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Share your old messages, along with how they ruled you unconsciously and what that made you look like (share your 3’s, 4’s, and 5’s from the list in step 1).
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Share your newly installed messages.
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Tell them what things you think you will need to address as they come up.
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Ask for what help you may need.
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Invite them to walk with you.
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Thank them and express gratitude on the journey.