Moving from Avoidant Attachment to Healthy Attachment

“I hate having to look at this attachment wound!” my client stated with angst. “It is my dad to a T … and it’s what hurts my wife the most!”

I nodded with empathy.

But I also reminded him to give himself grace for the past.

(Because we don’t choose our attachment wounds).

And to give himself hope for the future.

(Because 100% of us who have the courage to embark upon this journey have a 100% chance of healing this attachment wound. And enjoy the rich fulfilment of deeply connected relationships!)

Remember that this attachment wound leaves both those who have it … and their partners … lonely and empty.

Although they may be highly successful on the career and community front, their intimate relationships are laden with distance and uncertainties.

All of this can be dramatically altered by following the healing steps I am offering this week.

“I certainly hope so,” my client commented. “I already see that there’s a Grand Canyon between us and I don’t want to lose her.”

Regardless of the chasm or canyon between you and others, let’s build a bridge!

Together!

Love hopes all things, believes all things, and I’ll add…love does what it takes!

1. Assess yourself honestly.

-It’s not easy to assess ourselves.

-Or be honest in our assessments.

-But our abundance of living depends on it … And that takes whatever it takes.

When I suggest to someone that they might ask their spouse or partner to check off the list regarding “what they see in you” … the 2 lists are often quite different.

And the true assessment is likely somewhere in the middle of the 2.

-Be honest with yourself.

-But…no judgement whatsoever.

-We’re talking about YOUR life and making it abundant.

Consider this like a GPS trying to help you … (and remember, truth has a way of finding us when we look for it.)

-It wants to help you go where you desire to go.

-But it must know your current location to help you get there…the best way.

-Your heart was meant to have this knowing.

-But the signals got scrambled somewhere along the way.

“I feel like I’m really on Mars while I thought for sure I was right here on earth,” my client confessed.

“Because at moments, it doesn’t seem like the GPS has a way to get me back here from Mars.”

I empathized with him, then shared: “I’d guess if I asked how far away she felt from you when you were reacting from your avoidant wounds, she would say you felt even further away than Mars.”

He nodded in agreement.

To assess yourself, read each of the following statements, and rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5.

(One indicating that you rarely feel, struggle with, or display the symptom … 5 indicating that it’s an ongoing battle regularly).

_______ Using endearing statements, such as “I love you” sparingly and/or conditionally.

_______ Using double negatives when speaking of the relationship. “It’s not that I don’t love you…”

_______ Fiercely protecting your independence. (Ex: Labeling normal communication regarding your whereabouts or plans “controlling”).

_______ Acting as a “one-man band.”

_______ Silently staring when someone shares vulnerabilities (feelings, hurts, disappointments) with you.

_______ Shutting down when there’s any sharing of emotions.

_______ Shutting down when asked to share your emotions, feelings, or vulnerabilities.

_______  Being conflict avoidant and/or conflict adverse (until you reach your limit, then addressing conflict in a toxic manner).

_______ Expressing discomfort with public displays of the relationship via photographs, social media, etc.

_______ Prioritizing social media, sports, and other interests over the relationship.

_______ Firmly denying this, despite the evidence.

_______ Withdrawing from the relationship, saying you need some time to ‘think about things’. (Sometimes that involves separation, sometimes just a trip, sometimes doing things solo for a while, or a threat to do any or all of that).

_______ Blaming your need for time or space on your partner or spouse.

_______ Being devoted to and passionate about things other than the relationship … (Things such as sports, Netflix, reading, etc.)

_______ Fiercely protecting and defending your time for these things.

_______ Rarely displaying physical affection, except for when wanting sexual intimacy.

_______ Experiencing difficulty making firm decisions and commitments.

_______ Responding with “if’s, but’s, or maybe’s” when asked if you’d like to go somewhere, or do something.

_______ Ignoring bids for connection.

_______ Labeling the others’ normal needs as “being needy” or calling the desire to connect “dysfunctional, crazy, toxic,” etc.

_______ Making normal requests from your partner seem pathological.

_______ Solving problems by disappearing emotionally, physically, or both.

_______  Ignoring or denying plea’s for help.

Any items you scored with a 3, 4, or 5 need to be explored and addressed.

“Well, looks like I have a second full-time job!” my client expressed as he reviewed his 3’s, 4’s, and 5’s.

You may feel the same way, but I assure you that it’s so worth the effort.

Don’t view it as a total makeover.

The goal is not… to overwhelm you.

The goal is consistent tweaks that change us.

Remember that the end result of doing the healing work is rich, deeply intimate relationships!

2. Learn to dance with your desire to pull away.

“Now I’m in trouble! Because on the dance floor and in this office … I have two left feet!” my client self-proclaimed.

I responded, “Well, this is all about learning to use your right foot and your left foot … And not just white knuckling it … but making it a fun journey!”

He rolled his eyes with doubt.

I explained, “Have you ever watched kids dance? They don’t know any fancy moves, sometimes don’t even have rhythm. But when they hear music and move their bodies…they do it with reckless abandon. And the more smiles and laughter they receive…the bigger and bolder their moves get!”

He got it.

“My little granddaughter gets my heart every time there’s music and she starts dancing!”

“Exactly! And when you learn to have fun in this process … your heart will open up beyond what you’ve imagined!” I assured him.

For years, psychologists and therapists have used “talk” and “behavior change” therapies to attempt to address the wounds that created the avoidant (dismissive) attachment style.

Although that’s good, we now know it isn’t enough.

You must address the beliefs and expectations that are inherent in this attachment style.

Those beliefs and expectations are what fuel it.

Three of those primary beliefs, tied to expectations that everyone with avoidant attachment wounds has (even though usually unconscious) are:

• Emotional needs of self and other needs are just weaknesses or character flaws

• If you address them, you’ll be rejected

• If you meet them in others (particularly your spouse) you’ll be engulfed and smothered to death

After embracing those, you’ll need to assess what other beliefs and expectations you may need to examine.

Usually, I get to those by asking this question that I asked my client:

“What do you tell yourself when you are wanting to pull away (whether physically or emotionally or both) about why this is necessary or a good idea?”

My client flashed a mischievous grin and said: “Oh no … here we go again! … Do I have to own up to these things? I didn’t even realize them till you posed the question!”

His list included beliefs and expectations like:

• Obviously, she has a problem so I need to create some distance so she can come to her senses

• Sometimes I just need time and space to spin a story about how this is her problem and not mine

• I think time and distance will give her the time she needs to get over it

His list went on.

…What about you?

Honestly assess yourself.

Without judgement.

So that you can dance with these beliefs and expectations that rob you of the rich connections and relationships you desire.

Then … let the dance begin. Here’s how …

When you see yourself acting out these beliefs and expectations, do the dance by asking yourself these questions and following this process:

• Is the belief or expectation nurturing my marriage or relationships?

• If not, acknowledge your payoff for doing it.

• Then identify the truth…which is you’re really dancing off beat in order to avoid what you’re afraid of.

• Identify the fear.

• Consider alternative ways of managing the fear without stepping away from your relationships. (Physically or emotionally).

• Consider steps that would be OUTSIDE your comfort zone, but nurturing to the relationship.

• Choose those and witness the healing begin!

These initiate healing to the relationship and to the attachment wound.

That’s a beautiful dance!

All dances are awkward in the beginning.

But when practiced, it becomes a beautiful waltz!

We first tackled the third thing on my client’s list: “I think time and distance will give her the time she needs to get over it.”

Here’s how we followed the outline above to create his dance:

• Is the belief or expectation nurturing my marriage or relationships?

“Well, it sure as hell isn’t nurturing anything…you’ve told me many times that nurturing requires being present!”

• Acknowledge your payoff for doing it.

“My payoff… hmmmm … getting to spend time doing what I want to do instead of having the healing convo’s she wants to have.”

• Then identify the truth … which is … why you are really dancing off beat in order to avoid what you’re afraid of.

“I guess that’s right. I don’t want to have to face one more thing wrong with me. I already think I’m irredeemable…so I’d rather make it about her.”

• Identify the fear.

“The fear is that I’m going to have to help with healing the damage I’ve done, and I have not even one clue what to do or how to do it. So, I guess I’m afraid of looking stupid or failing. Or maybe I’m just so self-centered and all about me I don’t want to have to do the work.”

• Consider alternative ways of managing the fear without stepping away from the relationships. (Physically or emotionally).

“I guess telling her the truth. I am sometimes a lazy dumb *ss and want her to get over it so I step away, hoping she will miss me and get over what’s on her mind. Maybe I need to admit that selfishness, then tell her I don’t know what to do, but I’m willing to go to counseling to learn how?”

• Consider steps that would be OUTSIDE your comfort zone but nurturing to the relationship.

“Those steps are way the hell out of my comfort zone. But I’d be giving her what I longed for when I was a boy, and I’m sure it would make our relationship better …”

• Choose that!

“Okay … then I’d better make an appointment for both of us this week!”

Now you’ve designed your dance!

You CAN do this!

Remember all change starts with a tinge of discomfort and a healthy fear.

3. Find and exercise the courage to commit in a new way.

One thing that all people with avoidant attachment wounds need to embrace is … commitment at a whole new level.

Not just commitment to the relationship.

But commitment to:

• Daily activities that enrich the marriage.

• Personal growth.

• Zero negativity, zero criticism, zero always considering yourself first.

• Honesty and integrity.

• Daily intimate connection without distractions.

• Daily displays of love.

I love this definition of commitment from the American Heritage Dictionary:

“The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person.”

-No ifs.

-No maybes.

-No conditions.

Commitment is about doing what you’ve said you’d do…

• When it isn’t easy

• When no one is watching

• When you don’t feel like it

People with avoidant attachment wounds are all about:

• Walking away from what’s not easy.

• Looking for and creating reasons to back out or back away.

• Relying on justifications to make an “exception” … for this time, and the next time, and the next time.

• Doing what’s easy and comfortable.

Brene Brown created the “Anatomy of Trust” to help people rebuild trust. She created an acronym with the word BRAVING.

The “R” represents Reliability…which is a core component of commitment.

About this, she says: “It’s about doing what you say you will do over and over and over.”

.

The “I” represents integrity…which is another core component of commitment.

I love how she expounds on the meaning of integrity in this setting: “Choosing courage over comfort instead of protecting, defending, explaining. Choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy.”

Begin making daily commitments to yourself, to your partner, to your relationship.

And KEEPING THEM!

It’s a huge part of healing avoidant attachment wounds.

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Wise words from Veritas:

“Healing from avoidant attachment can be a challenging, but ultimately rewarding journey. By recognizing the need for change, challenging negative thoughts and beliefs, and cultivating healthy communication, individuals can develop a more secure, fulfilling relationship and improve their emotional well-being.”

While the process of healing from avoidant attachment may be difficult, the benefits of more intimate, emotionally fulfilling relationships and greater self-awareness and self-esteem are well worth the journey.

Remember, change is possible, and with the right tools and support, you can create a more secure, fulfilling attachment style and experience greater emotional and relational well-being.

You can heal from this attachment wound.

And you deserve the healing!

So does your relationship!

Let the dance of healing begin…to the music of life!