“I think just understanding what’s going on in my body helped my fatigue some,” my client shared in his second session.
I nodded with understanding.
I hear this frequently.
In truth, patterns define us.
And when we live from ingrained patterns, that we’re unaware even exist, it can cause the best of us to give in to that mental fatigue.
Just the struggle of ramping our life up to settle (yet again) from the survival belief we had to embrace from who knows how far back, is exhausting.
Most people tend to think that “being tired” is just a part of aging.
That’s a myth that keeps people stuck in their fatigue, letting life pass them by while lying in their recliner with the remote control (or the screen of choice) in their hand.
To the contrary, research indicates that ongoing fatigue is more likely the result of dehydration, sleep disorders, illness, unresolved trauma, or medications.
Thankfully, my client reached out before just “giving in” to the idea that as he moved through his 50’s … fatigue was just a part of it!
To get him started with his journey back to energy and wellness, we began with looking at some things that could begin to work in his favor immediately.
I hope you will find these things helpful to you in recovering your energy as well.
Of course, I began processing trauma with him.
But I’m committed to helping my clients experience some early wins to bolster their strength and begin restoring some energy as we work through the trauma resolution and healing process.
Healing from trauma is not quick or easy.
But it brings results 100% of the time.
But feeling some results physically provides the strength for that journey.
I wanted to share some of the things I suggested for him, as well as for many of my clients, to initiate some energy restoration.
Here are the symptoms of ongoing fatigue that go way beyond “tiredness”:
· Regular daily activities feel overwhelming
· Brain fog is an ongoing struggle
· Focus feels draining and/or impossible
· Lack of motivation to engage in things not absolutely necessary
· Irritability, depression, anxiety, mood swings
· Sleep challenges
· Procrastination
The bottom line is that this kind of fatigue significantly reduces the quality of our lives and has a major impact on those around us.
Addictions calls out to us as a way get some relief. To get to that moment of euphoria it brings. Temporarily relieving the exhaustion of trying to find and live with a sense of purpose.
“I struggle with every single one of those things. And I know all of it is impacting my wife. Now that we are empty nesters, she wants us to go and do things. And I can hardly get off the couch. I want to. But I just can’t muster up enough energy to do hardly anything,” my client confessed.
He paused, took a breath, then continued.
“This week when I got up and helped her unload the groceries, you would’ve thought I had planned a 6-week cruise around the world … that’s how excited she was. Something’s gotta give …”
I knew exactly what he meant.
And if you feel similarly, I understand.
In this short blog, let’s begin with some things you can do to begin regulating your body’s systems, so that you can gather sufficient energy to do the trauma healing work.
“For those of us who have begun our healing journeys, we are all too familiar with what the impact of leaving survival mode means. It signifies a shift toward healing and a more balanced and fulfilling life, enabling us to prioritize our mental well-being and work toward our ultimate goal of healing from trauma. What people may not realize is how tired it makes us. Both physically and mentally. Working through trauma is exhausting. Our bodies have stored the trauma for so long, like a grip; when we finally start releasing it, the body needs to rest and heal. Healing is not just a mental process; we must allow time for our bodies to recalibrate.”
Jack Brody
1. Eliminate “fatigue inducing” foods, drinks, and practices.
“Oh no, I don’t think I’m going to like any of this!” my client blurted out.
Before I ever even had a chance to tell him what I was referring to.
Yet I knew he probably wouldn’t like it.
When we’re exhausted, fatigued, out of gas … the things we often reach for give us a quick “hit” … but very quickly leave us more exhausted than we were prior to the “hit.”
Let’s talk about what those “hits” include:
· Sugar – I know, I know! A little bit of sugar helps the medicine go down (helps perk us up) when we are depleted. However, after that momentary sugar high comes the inevitable “slump.” Leaving us feeling deflated of all energy. I’m not saying you can’t eat ANY sugar. Just reduce any sugar intake.
· White foods – White foods like bread, potatoes, rice, pasta … Are you aware that all of those foods turn to sugar in our mouth … before we even swallow them? I know, I know! You’re going to starve to death without them! Again, I’m not saying you can’t eat ANY of that … but I will say that the more protein and veggies you eat, the less of the slumps you’ll experience.
· Alcohol or other sugar-filled drinks – I know, I know! A football game isn’t a football game without a beer. A steak isn’t a steak without a glass of red wine. But alcohol not only comes with a slump … but the slump can continue for up to 18 hours LATER.
· Any drugs (legal or illegal) that have a calming effect – pot, Xanax, benzo’s, etc. (Of course, do not change any prescribed medications without checking with your physician). However, if your prescription is “PRN” (as needed) … the longer you can wait … the more of your energy you can hold on to.
· Overuse of stimulants – caffeine, energy drinks. I know, I know! How else will you make it through the day? The problem is that when we overuse these (or any amphetamines) … it interrupts our neuro hormonal system and makes fatigue worse. It interferes with our deep sleep, preventing our bodies from refreshing and restoring itself. Finally, it causes “fatigue rebound”, with each rebound being worse than the last.
· Total inactivity – I know, I know! You’re exhausted. I’m not suggesting you run a marathon or go do a powerlifting session at the gym. If you’re stuck in front of the television and college football 10 hours on Saturday … get up between games and take a walk around the block. Do NOT give in to the total sedentary lifestyle your body seems to crave.
“So, if I can’t eat anything I like (like nacho’s while watching the games), and drinking a beer or two … somehow that’s going to make me want to walk around the block?” my client asked in a defensive tone.
I had to laugh … because those are the sorts of responses I normally get.
I sparred with my response: “You can have the chicken, sour cream, and cheese … just leave off the chips.”
He nodded with interest … waiting to see what I’d do with the beer situation.
“How about one beer?” I suggested.
“How about two?” he negotiated (like a true addict).
I chuckled as I asked how many he usually drank. “Never more than 6.”
“Two!” I said with a commanding voice.
He smiled just as I was continuing:
“As long as you’ve walked around two blocks between them.”
His smile disappeared.
No one said this was fun.
But the truth is that the impact of lingering trauma in our bodies causes us to reach for the very things that create fatigue.
That’s why it becomes a never-ending cycle … and we aren’t even aware that it’s related to trauma.
When we spend years in a pattern of thinking and reacting, it just becomes “well that’s just my life”. The trauma-based fatigue is both a curse and a blessing.
It’s curse because of the obvious; we feel like h*ll.
It’s a blessing because the fatigue is abundance … calling out all of us! The buried abundance is sending out an alarm through the fatigue!
As I explained it to him, he said something interesting. “I used to hear a lot in church about generational curses. I imagined that it was someone brewing something and having their kids breathe it in to pass it on.”
I could tell he was being careful with his thoughts as he continued.
“But as I look back now, my dad was raised by Lucifer, a crazy madman like the devil himself. He got traumatized by him. Then he traumatized us. He never dealt with his trauma and died early from lying around. Now I’ve done the same thing.”
I nodded empathetically as he continued.
“Whatever it is … it ends with me. I’ll make it right with my kids. I’ll get my energy back. Then I’ll help them get over what I did so that they don’t go to an early grave with fatigue.”
I validated: “Whatever was passed on to us doesn’t have to continue. We can do whatever it takes to end it right here, right now!”
I admired his determination.
I hope you will set the same determination in your mind and heart.
(From my friend in AA recovery. “You can NEVER be yourself when you spend your daylight hours sobering up. You can NEVER be you when you’re medicating to find you. You can NEVER be fully present when you’re constantly fatigued, hungover, and craving rest too. Medicating my yesterdays was…exhausting!”)
2. Calm your system with coregulation opportunities.
100% of us who’ve experienced trauma struggle with feeling “safe” internally.
Many of us are unaware of it.
Yet because our brains are stuck in “survival mode” in a constant loop of propping our ego up … we’re always scanning the horizon (every word spoken, every action taken by those around us) looking for danger.
Rarely do we “settle in” to any relationship.
We may “appear” to be settled in …
Yet we’re struggling with the concept/idea of being safe anywhere.
“That sounds like a wuss … And I’d never want to be one of those,” my client said almost pleading.
“As far as I know, a ‘wuss’ is a coward or a totally ineffective person,” I stated.
“I don’t think you’re either of those.”
I could see he was processing and so I continued.
“I think you were traumatized, and you’re always unconsciously on watch to keep it from recurring, even though it was years ago. In my mind, that’s courageous. Perhaps unnecessary at this point, but nonetheless, hardly a ‘wuss’.”
He nodded with reluctant relief.
“I know you’re right. I’m always keeping my distance. My wife asks me often why I’m so distant,” he reflected. “I had no idea I was … much less why I was that way.”
I paused … then resumed.
“Trauma affects us in ways we are so unaware of. But in keeping your distance, you’ve denied yourself of one of the most healing of all opportunities … one that will go a long way in restoring your energy.”
“What is that?” he asked innocently.
“Coregulation,” I responded.
With a confused expression, he asked, “What does that even mean?”
I smiled as I explained, “Coregulation is a mutual exchange of a calm peace and connection between two people.”
He nodded but still had an inquisitive expression on his face.
I continued.
“We talk often about self-regulation. That pause we take (before saying something) to make sure it’s appropriate. That deep breath we inhale and slowly exhale before erupting in anger.”
He was very interested.
“We all need that, and it’s important to all relationships. But we talk much less often about coregulation.”
I paused. Grateful he was truly present.
“In scientific terms, it’s a biological process in which one person’s regulated nervous system helps another person’s dysregulated nervous system calm down to a place of balance, producing a sense of safety. It is a cornerstone of healthy connected relationships.”
I explained to him what actually happens neurologically.
There is a function instilled in our neurological systems that is called neuroception. It’s a lot like a radar system always scanning for safety or danger.
Not only in ourselves, or in our environment, but also in other people.
We have “mirror” neurons that fire, helping us understand and imitate others, and they also stimulate empathy.
Then our autonomic nervous system does a “sync” with the other person’s nervous system.
Therefore, when we pause and connect with a person who is “calm” … it activates our vegus nerve … and causes a sense of rest and calm to come to us as the sync takes place.
That’s why we call it coregulation.
Then I smiled at my client as I said, “And when you’re ‘keeping your distance’ … you’re resisting coregulation. Because you’re not allowing the sync to take place.”
He was taking it all in.
I explained further.
“Coregulation on an ongoing basis, allows your ‘survival mode’ to reset. Because in those moments when the ‘sync’ is taking place … you will feel safe … and that sends survival and the energy thief sailing through the universe somewhere else (I like to say ‘to hell from whence it came). Allowing your body to thrive … which releases tons of soft, but consistent energy.” I explained.
My client was obviously processing deeply.
I waited.
“So, it’s like I’m truly my own worst enemy. I keep my distance to feel safe. When the safety is really in the closeness.”
“Exactly!” I affirmed.
“Coregulation? It’s really that simple?” he asked.
“That simple, and that complex:
Trauma causes us to live in survival mode.
Survival mode keeps us assured that nothing and no one is safe.
We live in scan mode.
We keep our distance to stay safe.
When the REAL healing is in the connection.
But that connection feels unsafe.
Yet it is the source of our healing.
The road to any success always starts with discomfort which we often interpet as unsafe feelings.”
“Boy is my wife going to love this! Somehow, I can already hear the ‘I told you so …’!”
Coregulation.
It’s like a miraculous calming source.
And it’s found in…
Your spouse.
Your partner.
Your good friend.
Of course, if they’re the source of your trauma, I’m not suggesting that you return to an abuser hoping for healing (unless they’ve done their healing work and you’ve seen transformation).
But usually, the one we resist the most, is the one whose coregulation will bring our greatest healing.
I know when I hear people who are married tell me that they’re “lonely” … they’re likely married to someone with unresolved trauma.
And almost always, that someone they’re married to, is struggling with fatigue.
Truly coregulation turns around neuro processes that restore LIFE!
3. Begin trauma processing.
I highly recommend that you find a trauma informed coach, therapist, counselor, pastor, or mentor to begin your processing.
But you can begin the work on your own.
There are 7 healing steps, for healing trauma (not necessarily in this order, and not always does every step have to be completed for healing):
· Debrief
· Rescue
· Branded Beliefs & Carried Feelings
· Emotional Home
· Break Cycles and Patterns
· Grief work
· Rewrite the story
Perhaps I’ll address each step in future blogs.
For now, let’s talk about the debrief.
I asked my client to do this step for homework. I asked him to at least outline (or journal) his life’s story, including as many “less than ideal” moments he remembered, experienced, and/or heard about.
From birth to … today.
I knew that in his next session, I would invite him to talk through those with me.
It’s not enough to just outline them or journal them.
There’s power in saying them aloud.
BUT … it must be in the presence of a safe, supportive, trauma-informed human.
Safe … because saying it aloud reinitiates the trauma, if they’re not assured that it’s a “safe place.”
Supportive … because someone overwhelmed with emotion, or staring off into space horrified is not a healing experience. It creates shame.
Trauma-informed … because they must be trained enough to know what questions to ask. To reflect. To validate. To empathize.
In that situation, debriefing in and of itself is healing.
I knew I had developed enough rapport with my client to be safe.
I definitely do my best to be a supportive listener in a debrief.
And I know how to ask the right questions.
So that they feel heard, believed, and supported.
And I am honored to “hold their heart” … by reflecting, validating, and empathizing.
If I am sure they have a safe, supportive, trauma-informed spouse or friend, I often ask them to do it with them after we have debriefed.
Some people are leery of debriefs, thinking it would retraumatize the person.
Although it’ll likely bring up some emotion, research reveals that great healing occurs in the debrief in the right setting (as I described).
I encourage you to begin outlining your story.
Honestly…
Thoroughly…
With self-compassion.
“I will do this. But it’s a lot!” my client almost apologized.
“I understand. But beneath the debrief is your restored energy. Debriefing slays the energy thief!”
*****
I am often asked why I’m willing to share my “healing processes” and my “interventions” for free? In blogs like this. In workshops, books, seminars.
My honest answer is this: “If this were simply a financial venture for me … I’d share nothing. But this is a mission to make a difference in the world of trauma.”
I do have a practice that’s profitable.
I do train coaches to be trauma-informed transformational specialists.
I do charge for that.
However, I could never make a significant difference in the world of trauma doing those 2 things alone.
I want people like you …
Who may never see a coach or counselor.
Who may not have the resources to do those things.
Who may have too much shame to reach out.
Who may not have the wherewithal left in them to tell their story.
Who may not even believe they’re worth it.
I want people like you to have every chance to heal and thrive in an abundant life.
Is it working?
According to the emails and messages I receive … it works at least some of the time.
Life has a way of becoming our inner mirror.
We sow and we reap.
And the outcome of those hits and misses, if we allow, will point the way to abundance.
And point us to what we need, and what we can’t live abundantly without.
I know that healing seems daunting and overpowering, but it’s as simple as our willingness and desire to receive it.
And I will go to my grave peaceful someday knowing I gave everything I had in me to give every human I could reach, to not be left to search the way I had to search, to find healing peace and an abundant life.
You, my friend, are worth that! (And so much more!)