Keeping The Fires Burning In Your Newly Designed Marriage Or Relationship
It was their concluding session after working through the emotional and verbal abuse that had plagued their marriage for years.
I shared with them, as I’d like to share with you, that if you want to have a vehicle that lasts a long time…you must do regular maintenance on it.
It needs to be refilled with fuel (or plugged in and charged) if you’re going to go anywhere.
Hopefully you’ll run it through the car wash (or better yet, hand wash it) at least weekly.
If you don’t do the regular oil changes and other maintenance and keep up items, you will shorten its life significantly.
Whether or not we tend to our vehicles the way we should, we know and expect that regular maintenance will keep it going for a very long time.
We seem to ignore the fact that a healthy marriage or relationship is the same.
The sad part is that most people don’t even recognize or acknowledge that regular maintenance is necessary.
And those who do often neglect doing so.
I know if you’ve done the hard work that I’ve presented over the past weeks, you’d definitely want to do the maintenance to keep this newly designed relationship alive and well!
I shared a number of things with my couple before we concluded this work.
I’ve chosen the top 3 to share with you this week. And I’m believing that you will put them into practice! Just as I know they will!
“Your marriage is worth the investment! Build time into each day to connect with your spouse. All the daily talks, weekly dates and annual adventures add up. The shared memories, shared laughter, and conversations strengthen your marriage and give you a rich reserve of love to draw from when life’s challenges come your way.”
Bill Arbuckle, Focus on the Family
Complete the work of resolving underlying issues.
We had begun resolving the underlying trauma with the husband in this couple. And the wife continues to address things that come up for her.
In our session the husband said, “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Not that what you’re asking me to do was hard…but I kept wanting to put it off.”
I nodded, because there were times in his process that I could clearly see he wanted to bail.
Because no one particularly wants to dig deep and see what’s there.
He had just hoped it would all go away…as many people do!
“I look back and see how I acted obtuse, like all that ‘stuff’ had no effect on me. And then you’d nail me with things like making me look at the affect it was having on my wife and on my marriage.”
We all laughed…although their rodeo I was involved in at the time didn’t feel very humorous.
“At some point, I just finally surrendered to the process. So, I guess to be honest, the only thing that was all that hard was me laying down my pride and resistance and humbling myself enough to finally look at the truth of what happened and who I’d become.”
I validated: “You’re not alone in that. I think we all have difficulty surrendering to the process in the beginning.”
I leaned forward with great firmness, laced with compassion, and challenged him.
“You’ve made great progress, and I’m very pleased with what you’ve done …”
His wife nodded in agreement…but I wasn’t finished!
“You still have some major trauma to process, and then you must look at the attachment style that the trauma created in you.”
He responded humbly: “I know we’ve talked a little bit about that, and I trust you and the process enough now, that I’m guessing it might take a fraction of the time.”
I nodded in agreement, and added: “You’re absolutely right, but don’t allow that to let you off the hook. It would be a crying shame to have come this far and then fall back into the old patterns because of some roots you left behind.”
I could see by his wife’s facial expressions, and that she was looking directly into his eyes … that she was searching for reassurance.
Before I could address it, he looked at her with a bright smile and said, “I won’t let you down. I will complete my work!”
I am hoping and believing that you have a similar determination to do “whatever it takes” to complete any unresolved issues so that you can move forward and watch your marriage/relationship become better and better and better…
Over the next weeks, I will be writing about attachment issues, and I hope you will follow that healing process as well.
“Encouraging individual growth in marriage doesn’t dilute the essence of togetherness; it enriches it. We can grow closer when we focus on what growth we need. It ensures that both partners are not just growing together but are also growing as individuals. The role of individual growth in marital happiness cannot be overstated.” Dr. Ilene Cohen
Make time for daily intimate conversation for your marriage and do regular check in’s.
“Do you check in on social media daily? Do you check sports scores or news daily? Do you text friends or family daily?”
They both nodded.
“Do you have to remind one another to do those things daily?”
Curiously, they looked at each other and acknowledged that they did not.
“My point is…those are things that are important to you and that have your interest. And therefore, you’ve made a habit of doing them.”
They both nodded.
I continued.
“I’m making this point because what I’m going to share with you is crucial. Much more important for your life and your future than any of the above listed things. Although there’s nothing particularly wrong with any of them.”
I paused and continued.
“I’m saving you some time and chastisement before I lay it out…”
They both grinned and I could see that they were mentally and emotionally fastening their seatbelts.
“Research by many experts has shown that couples who make 15 to 20 minutes daily for intimate conversation…fully present and uninterrupted by media, or anything else…enjoy the most fulfilling and deeply intimate relationships.”
Then I outlined for them, what I’d like to share with you.
There are 3 basic purposes for this time:
To spend some time really connecting. Research (conducted by the most prolific researchers on relationships in history, Drs. John & Julie Gottman) states that a couple needs to spend at a bare minimum six hours connecting weekly for a healthy relationship. This connection time is very important.
The second purpose is to check in on how things are going.
When we’re cooking something in the oven or on the grill, it’s quite common that we will check in on it…to see how it’s going.
Because we want it to turn out perfectly.
We might need to flip it over sooner than we thought or turn what’s being baked 180° because ovens may not always bake things in the front at the same speed as things in the back.
We might need to turn up the heat, or turn down the heat, or take them out of the oven or off the grill sooner than we thought.
That same process of checking in ensures that your marriage will become better…and better…and better…
Finally, taking a moment to share gratitude for one another. What are you grateful for that your spouse has done in the past 24 hours or for interaction you’ve had? Or for things you’ve experienced together?
Here’s a general outline:
Have each partner spend about 3 to 5 minutes, sharing the most significant parts of their day and what’s going on in your heart.
Reflect, empathize, validate.
Spend time checking in with questions such as these:
How have I done keeping our relationship safe in the past 24 hours? How have I done making you feel loved and cherished in the past 24 hours?
What could I have done better?
Reflect, empathize, validate.
Then the other partner shares.
Followed by what each is grateful for to the other, grateful for in the relationship, and grateful for that you’ve experienced together?
Reflect, empathize, validate.
Then the other partner has their opportunity.
This daily interaction is the best life and intimacy insurance policy…you could find anywhere.
And the best news?
It’s absolutely…free!
I told my couple, as I’ll share with you:
“Your ‘sins’ of not doing so are forgiven…but go forward and ‘sin no more’.”
(That’s a fun way of saying…now that you know…failure to do so simply shows your lack of care and/or concern for the relationship. I know you don’t feel that way…so make the daily connection happen…FAITHULLY!)
Make daily investments in the relationship.
I knew the couple that I’d been working with had begun a new adventure of doing their own investing.
They were researching stocks, had a set amount of how much they would invest weekly, and enjoying the process of learning and growing together (while their financial advisor handled the larger investments).
I asked them a question that I’d like for you to consider.
“When the market is down, should you just freeze up and see what happens? Sell all your stocks? Or invest?”
Before they ever answered, they got it.
The husband spoke up boldly.
“I get it! You don’t pack up and sell everything and leave when things aren’t going well. As a matter of fact, that’s when it’s the best time to invest, even though it’s counterintuitive.”
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CORRECT!
I shared with them as I’d like to share with you: The same is true for your marriage.
It’s easy to make investments daily when things are going well.
But it’s just as important, if not more so (and for greater returns) … to make regular Investments when things are challenging.
Of course, that requires a lot of emotional maturity.
Something that unresolved trauma and unresolved attachment issues often prevent us from doing.
I invited them to do something that I encourage all couples to do.
Think of 100 small things that make you feel loved and provide that list to your partner.
This is not a list for the cruises you’d like to go on, or things that would take long periods of time.
These are things that cost nothing, and only require a few moments of time:
A text that tells me why you are so grateful you married me in the middle of the day.
Reaching out to hold my hand when we’re driving to dinner.
Rubbing my shoulders for just a moment when you walk by.
A quick hug from behind.
Complementing me when we’re out with others.
100 of them?
Yes! 100 of them.
I call it your arsenal of love.
What makes you feel loved?
It’s your secret recipe…that you’re providing for your partner.
When you receive the list, you’ll know exactly what to do … multiple times … on a daily basis … to hit their love target.
That’s daily investing!
******
If you want to keep the engine of your love machine running hot and smoothly…these are the things that you can do to ensure that it never dies.
However, neglecting to do so leaves you at risk for damage, and a shorter life.
Actually, I mean shorter life in both ways.
Meaning it will shorten the life of your marriage.
But it will also shorten your physical life if you fail to do them.
Research says that healthy and intimate relationships can extend our lifespan at least 3 to 7 years.
The sooner you start, the longer it will extend the life.
The life of your love engine, your marriage, and your life!
“A successful marriage is a journey, not a destination. Like any meaningful journey, it requires continuous effort, care and attention. It’s not necessarily grand gestures on anniversaries or birthdays that sustain a marriage; it’s the countless small, everyday actions that build trust and safeguard intimacy over time.” Mark Travers
