Coming Together to Tackle & Throw Emotional Abuse OUT of Your Relationship

“I know he still needs to continue addressing his trauma. But I promise you … the man who sleeps in my bed is a man I’ve never known. Even in his best moments!”

The wife of the couple I’d been working with was beaming. Her eyes were sparkling, her energy levels were vastly improved, her entire being was full of life!

The husband took her hand and thanked her.

For putting up with him all these years.

For never giving up on him.

Or the marriage.

For insisting on counseling.

For doing her own work to lead the way.

These are the moments that make me so grateful that I have the privilege to do what I do.

Years ago … when I was desperate for my own answers, my own healing … I did some ‘bargaining’ with God.

I remember praying over and over again: “God, if you will help me figure this out, I’ll spend the rest of my life helping people heal from trauma, finding their best selves, and taking their marriages and relationships to places that no one dreamed possible.”

Thankfully, I’ve been honored with gifts, strategies, and healing exercises that I get to share with people on a daily basis.

There is no greater honor.

This couple was ready to defy the odds of the statistics that say that 53% of divorcees say they filed because of emotional abuse … and further research that says the probability for divorce in marriages where there is emotional abuse is above 70%.

You can defy the odds too!

Hopefully, if you are one who has spoken with less kindness and respect to someone you love … you have worked through the exercises to uproot what leads to emotional abuse.

I hope you will follow the lead of the couple I worked through this with … and set the stage for a new beginning! Never to return to emotional abuse again!

“Healing from being emotionally abusive makes you so different that you won’t even recognize your old self. You literally become a new person. It’s night and day. Since my healing many years ago, I felt like I got another chance to live an entirely different life. And I never want to be the person I was ever again, not only because of all the pain and suffering that I put others through but also because it wore me out.” Paul Colaianni

Maybe it’s not what we say…but how we say it?

Co-create a vision for your relationship, your home, and your communication.

Most people do not create a vision for their marriage or their future. They just have a ceremony, a honeymoon, then come home and see what happens.

There’s an old proverb that says: “Where there is no vision, the people perish …” I often tell my clients, where there is no vision, the passion fades away.

“In all of these years, we’ve never given a single thought to creating a vision of what we wanted our lives as a couple and as a family to look like,” the husband confessed.

“I’ve never heard of anyone doing that!”

The wife confirmed.

“But I love the thought of it.”

“Well, there’s no time like the present!” I affirmed.

I gave them an assignment that I’d like to give you.

I asked them to block off a day or weekend as soon as possible … and plan a little trip. (And not to do it at home…)

They could go away and stay at a hotel … even if it was just in downtown Dallas (about 25 miles from where they live) … or a cabin on the lake (about 25 miles north) … “Or for goodness’ sake … go the Bahama’s!”

I asked them to consider the following questions.

I asked to address about 3 at a time.

For them each to go somewhere alone, and journal thoughts about 3 of them.

Then come together, share their responses, and come to some agreements about each question.

Here are the questions:

What would make your marriage the most fulfilling to you?
What things are important to you (regarding the marriage) on a daily basis? On a weekly basis? On a monthly basis?
What do we want to be known for as a couple? How do we get there?

What values do we want to live by?
What do we want our mornings to look like?
What do we want our evenings to look like?

What do we want the sounds of our home to be like?
What can we do to grow together spiritually?
How can we best serve our community?

What can we put I place to assure meaningful conversations daily?
How will we address challenges, disagreements, conflict?
How will we express gratitude daily?

How will we manage our finances to become even better stewards? (Weekly, monthly financial meetings?)
What will we do to keep our sexual intimacy alive? (And what do you each need to make that happen?)
How often will we be sexually intimate?

How often will we do date nights, special outings, and getaways? Budget? Who plans?
How often will we entertain in our home? What purpose would we like to accomplish when we gather people?
What fun things will we do regularly? How often will we stretch to find new fun things?

What defining moment can we plan together to mark the new environment in our home? With no emotional or verbal abuse allowed.

I instructed them to do one section of questions at a time. Then to take turns doing fun things between. The time allotted for fun things will determine whether you need a day, two days … or a month!

The couple I’ve been sharing about came back with a fabulous report.

I’ll share just a few pieces of their vision with you (with their permission).

They wanted the sounds of their home to be laughter, gentle tones, and music they both like (less sounds of harsh tones, TV, and/or stoney silence).

They will keep their sexual intimacy alive by writing love notes to each other 3-4 times a week, do more cuddling on the couch, more kissing and hugging each other while prepping meals, and more talking about what works for each of them.

They will take dance lessons weekly, and each will plan 2 ‘new’ fun things a month. His first was taking her to ride a Ferris wheel at Grandscape. Hers was taking him to ride race cars at NASCAR driving experience.

Sounds to me like they’re in for a lot of fun!

The values they want to live by are:

Faith in God
Total commitment
Love
Dedication to an amazing marriage
Gratitude

I hope you will share with me some of the things, that you come away with from your vision strategy weekend.

“Creating a vision for your marriage that defines where you want to go as a couple. Just as successful businesses use mission statements to guide their actions, couples can benefit from a shared vision that directs their decisions, priorities, and goals. This vision serves as a roadmap, helping you face challenges together and grow in love, understanding, and unity.” From Impact Family

Write your vows.

It’s quite common for people to write their wedding vows. Although well thought out and powerful, sometimes they are too ‘general’…not addressing what marriage will look like on a day-to-day basis.

Not having anything about vision like the one you just strategized together in step one.

Now that you have that vision, I want to encourage you to write your vows to the marriage in terms of what you just envisioned together.

Carefully.

Thoughtfully.

With great commitment.

Write it as if you were going to read it aloud in front of a group … like you probably did when you read out your wedding vows. (Or at least repeated them after the officiant).

I would like to share with you what the husband wrote:

“I am deeply committed to our newfound love and ways of communicating. I think we had a bit of it in our beginning, but I stole it with my negative attitudes, harsh words, and challenges with alcohol and gambling.

I promise to only speak to you in ways that are TREKy … and when I can’t, I will respectfully ask for a break. Knowing when I take time to breathe and practice gratitude, I will remember who you are, and who I truly am (not the man who would ever emotionally or verbally abuse you). I will return in a place of humility, take your hand, and do whatever it takes to get us back on this loving path together.

I will initiate healing exercises weekly until there is not one cell in your body remaining that is damaged, hurt, or wounded,

I will love you daily as the prize you are … and make up for every moment you spent hurting and lonely through the years. I know that means I must step up my game tremendously. But I am up for the challenge, and you deserve the results.

I choose to prioritize you over sports, news, social media, you tube, and every other distraction.

I promise to never criticize, nor express my differences of opinions without asking for an appointment and following the process of safe and healing conversations we have agreed to.

I will show you intimacy all day long every day so that you know I desire you, even when sexual intimacy is not on my agenda.

I commit to resolving the rest of my trauma so that you are not punished for the wrongdoings of others, and so I am able to become the best version of me that you deserve.

I will do whatever it takes to resolve my outbursts, my negativity, and my cynicism so that our home is a place of sacred peace.

I will have fun with you, make you laugh, and devote myself to meeting every need I am aware of. Even if the need makes no sense at all to me. If you want it or need it, it is important to me.

I will love you, cherish you, honor you, and protect you with all that is within me!”

I was in tears, as she was when she heard it.

Now … don’t share it with your partner until your defining moment (step #3) … that’s the time and place for it!

Plan and execute your defining moment.

A defining moment.

A moment that you will never forget.

That moment you drew a line in the sand that said: “No more emotional or verbal abuse in this marriage / relationship or in this home!”

A defining moment is a point in your life when you’re urged to make a pivotal decision, or when you experience something that fundamentally changes you. Not only do these moments define us, but they have a transformative effect on our perceptions and behaviors.

Defining moments affect our destiny.

A defining moment in your life is an occasion where your life’s path has undeniably changed.

But a defining moment is one of those times that you know you’ll look back on and say, “If it weren’t for that, things would be different.”

A defining moment is a point in your life when you’re urged to make a pivotal decision, or when you experience something that fundamentally changes you. Not only do these moments define us, but they have a transformative effect on our perceptions and behaviors.

A defining moment is a point at which the essential character of a person is established. It is an identity-forming event, something that makes someone who they are and flows through to their behavior. It can be an achievement or a failure, something you do, or something done to or for you. It can also be something that happened before you were born, such as some national event or family experience.

What you do in your defining moments will make you or break you. And it will make or break your marriage and/or relationships.

Here are the guidelines/rules for designing your defining moment to end all verbal and/or emotional abuse in your marriage/relationship and home:

Something meaningful and significant to/for both of you
Something unusual
Something you won’t forget
Something with some sort of ceremony or memorable moment to it
Something that involves more than just the two of you

Here are some examples of things couples I have worked with have designed for their defining moments to end all verbal and/or emotional abuse:

One couple sold their home and bought a new home, and read their vows the first time they walked in with their keys after closing with close friends accompanying them
Several couples invited close friends and family … shared their story, read their vows, and had a cookout
Several couples had their priest, rabbi, minister come to their home and bless it after they read their vows
One couple made a video of their vows and posted it on social media, inviting friends and family to hold them accountable

The couple whose story I am sharing had rented a houseboat for a weekend to do their strategic vision planning session.

They both loved the water.

For their defining moment, they bought a boat and had a dedication ceremony at sunset. The boat representing their new life, their new marriage. As the sunset they read their vows aloud to one another, with their adult children there to support them,

-Take some time.

-It is an important event.

-The defining moment affects your destiny.

-And the destiny of your marriage.

I hope you will choose an amazing defining moment … never again to return to the old patterns … and to live in an abundantly rich relationship!

***

Couples who actually do this work have amazing relationships.

You may be thinking … “Well, ours is past the point of healing.” Or … “Ours isn’t that bad.”

Both of those are justifications for not doing the work.

Your marriage, your partner, your future … all deserve the hard work.

Yes, some of it is hard … but it is ALL rewarding.

Very rewarding.

“Everything worthwhile is uphill. It’s true. You can’t get to the top and achieve all your dreams by repeating the same actions. Instead, you must put forth effort and energy which will eventually lead you above where you once were. If you have a great relationship in your life, it’s uphill. It’s not easy. if it was easy, everybody would stay married. If success was easy, everybody would be successful. If making a lot of money was easy, everybody would have a lot of money. You must understand this … it isn’t complicated! Everything worthwhile is uphill!” Dr. John Maxwell

Coming Together to Tackle & Throw Emotional Abuse OUT of Your Relationship

“I know he still needs to continue addressing his trauma. But I promise you … the man who sleeps in my bed is a man I’ve never known. Even in his best moments!”

The wife of the couple I’d been working with was beaming. Her eyes were sparkling, her energy levels were vastly improved, her entire being was full of life!

The husband took her hand and thanked her.

For putting up with him all these years.

For never giving up on him.

Or the marriage.

For insisting on counseling.

For doing her own work to lead the way.

These are the moments that make me so grateful that I have the privilege to do what I do.

Years ago … when I was desperate for my own answers, my own healing … I did some ‘bargaining’ with God.

I remember praying over and over again: “God, if you will help me figure this out, I’ll spend the rest of my life helping people heal from trauma, finding their best selves, and taking their marriages and relationships to places that no one dreamed possible.”

Thankfully, I’ve been honored with gifts, strategies, and healing exercises that I get to share with people on a daily basis.

There is no greater honor.

This couple was ready to defy the odds of the statistics that say that 53% of divorcees say they filed because of emotional abuse … and further research that says the probability for divorce in marriages where there is emotional abuse is above 70%.

You can defy the odds too!

Hopefully, if you are one who has spoken with less kindness and respect to someone you love … you have worked through the exercises to uproot what leads to emotional abuse.

I hope you will follow the lead of the couple I worked through this with … and set the stage for a new beginning! Never to return to emotional abuse again!

Maybe it’s not what we say…but how we say it?

Co-create a vision for your relationship, your home, and your communication.

Most people do not create a vision for their marriage or their future. They just have a ceremony, a honeymoon, then come home and see what happens.

There’s an old proverb that says: “Where there is no vision, the people perish …” I often tell my clients, where there is no vision, the passion fades away.

“In all of these years, we’ve never given a single thought to creating a vision of what we wanted our lives as a couple and as a family to look like,” the husband confessed.

“I’ve never heard of anyone doing that!”

The wife confirmed.

“But I love the thought of it.”

“Well, there’s no time like the present!” I affirmed.

I gave them an assignment that I’d like to give you.

I asked them to block off a day or weekend as soon as possible … and plan a little trip. (And not to do it at home…)

They could go away and stay at a hotel … even if it was just in downtown Dallas (about 25 miles from where they live) … or a cabin on the lake (about 25 miles north) … “Or for goodness’ sake … go the Bahama’s!”

I asked them to consider the following questions.

I asked to address about 3 at a time.

For them each to go somewhere alone, and journal thoughts about 3 of them.

Then come together, share their responses, and come to some agreements about each question.

Here are the questions:

What would make your marriage the most fulfilling to you?

What things are important to you (regarding the marriage) on a daily basis? On a weekly basis? On a monthly basis?

What do we want to be known for as a couple? How do we get there?

What values do we want to live by?

What do we want our mornings to look like?

What do we want our evenings to look like?

What do we want the sounds of our home to be like?

What can we do to grow together spiritually?

How can we best serve our community?

What can we put I place to assure meaningful conversations daily?

How will we address challenges, disagreements, conflict?

How will we express gratitude daily?

How will we manage our finances to become even better stewards? (Weekly, monthly financial meetings?)

What will we do to keep our sexual intimacy alive? (And what do you each need to make that happen?)

How often will we be sexually intimate?

How often will we do date nights, special outings, and getaways? Budget? Who plans?

How often will we entertain in our home? What purpose would we like to accomplish when we gather people?

What fun things will we do regularly? How often will we stretch to find new fun things?

What defining moment can we plan together to mark the new environment in our home? With no emotional or verbal abuse allowed.

I instructed them to do one section of questions at a time. Then to take turns doing fun things between. The time allotted for fun things will determine whether you need a day, two days … or a month!

The couple I’ve been sharing about came back with a fabulous report.

I’ll share just a few pieces of their vision with you (with their permission).

They wanted the sounds of their home to be laughter, gentle tones, and music they both like (less sounds of harsh tones, TV, and/or stoney silence).

They will keep their sexual intimacy alive by writing love notes to each other 3-4 times a week, do more cuddling on the couch, more kissing and hugging each other while prepping meals, and more talking about what works for each of them.

They will take dance lessons weekly, and each will plan 2 ‘new’ fun things a month. His first was taking her to ride a Ferris wheel at Grandscape. Hers was taking him to ride race cars at NASCAR driving experience.

Sounds to me like they’re in for a lot of fun!

The values they want to live by are:

Faith in God

Total commitment

Love

Dedication to an amazing marriage

Gratitude

I hope you will share with me some of the things, that you come away with from your vision strategy weekend.

Write your vows.

It’s quite common for people to write their wedding vows. Although well thought out and powerful, sometimes they are too ‘general’…not addressing what marriage will look like on a day-to-day basis.

Not having anything about vision like the one you just strategized together in step one.

Now that you have that vision, I want to encourage you to write your vows to the marriage in terms of what you just envisioned together.

Carefully.

Thoughtfully.

With great commitment.

Write it as if you were going to read it aloud in front of a group … like you probably did when you read out your wedding vows. (Or at least repeated them after the officiant).

I would like to share with you what the husband wrote:

“I am deeply committed to our newfound love and ways of communicating. I think we had a bit of it in our beginning, but I stole it with my negative attitudes, harsh words, and challenges with alcohol and gambling.

I will initiate healing exercises weekly until there is not one cell in your body remaining that is damaged, hurt, or wounded,

I will love you daily as the prize you are … and make up for every moment you spent hurting and lonely through the years. I know that means I must step up my game tremendously. But I am up for the challenge, and you deserve the results.