“What does a Coach actually do? I mean what do you train them to do?”
A GREAT question! I took a call from someone I don’t know to field some questions this week.
I was so impressed with his questions that I began making notes for this blog.
I am so “accustomed” to what I do daily, and what I train other Coaches to do, that I don’t think of some of the questions people have until I talk to someone like this man who brings them to light.
My response to his question was:
“Those are two very insightful questions … and have two potentially different answers,” I explained.
Technically, the dictionary definition of a Coach is: “A person who counsels and encourages clients on matters having to do with careers or personal challenges.”
Verywellmind.com defines a Coach as:
“A professional who helps people make progress in their lives in order to attain greater fulfillment. They aid their clients in improving their relationships, careers, and day-to-day lives.”
(From my AA friend. “I know it sounds a bit too simple, but having what we call ‘a sponsor’ on our journey of recovery is like having a duplicate of yourself. EVERYONE wants to think of themselves as being so different, but different isn’t the same as ‘unique’. Staying at ‘different’ is like staying in the shallow end. Unique is choosing the uphill climb to the deep end. And there’s nothing like having someone coach you who’s been there … done that. A sponsor/coach who’s faced the same demons that have kept you stalled out. Kept you perseverating on the ‘but I’m different’ looping in the shallow end.)
Chat GPT 5.0 says a Coach is: “Someone who helps individuals or groups improve their skills, performance, or mindset by providing guidance, feedback, and support. A partner in growth who helps you clarify where you want to go, supports you in creating a plan, and challenges you to achieve your best.”
I informed the man inquiring about my coach certification program,“Those are all great definitions, and certainly all part of coaching.”
I continued.
“But that’s generic. Although it is foundational to what I train coaches to do and become.”
He laughed and said, “I agree with ‘generic’ as an explanation. I’m sure all programs provide great training. But if that’s all there is to it, those 3 definitions lead me to believe I could watch a few YouTube videos and read a few book … and equip myself!”
Now, that fired my brain’s engine up to turbo.
If that’s the general belief out there … why would anyone need to be certified? (Not that I think anyone should watch a few YouTube’s and read a few books and hang out a shingle as a Coach!)
I continued the conversation with my belief system about what I do:
“I believe that those who are seeking coaching (or help through other sources) have experienced some level of trauma in their lives. (Research indicates that’s 90%+ of us!)
I believe that anyone who’s experienced trauma deserves to live a rich, fulfilled life.
I believe there’re hundreds of thousands of them and the numbers are growing.
I believe I cannot do it alone.
I believe that I’m gifted at passing my truths, intuitions, and transformational strategies to others who feel called to reach the hurting.
I believe that together … we can wipe out the brokenness of trauma!”
I could see by the expression I saw on the screen that he was processing deeply.
I paused.
After a moment or two, he nodded. Then with a grin said, “Yea … I don’t think I could handle all of that with a few YouTube views and the greatest books in the world!”
I agreed. “Yes, I call my graduates ‘Coaches’. But if they really embrace all I equip them with … they’re more accurately called ‘Agents of Transformation’!”
I walked him through 3 things I impart to my Coaching candidates in the Essential Coaching course.
Because he was enthralled, I thought I’d share them with you.
“Coaching is about helping clients unlock the treasure-chest of their lives – worth bearing in mind then that diamonds are made from coal under pressure and it’s the grit in the oyster which creates the pearls.” —Sarah Durrant
Transcribing the Hard Drive / Heart Drive
One of the upgrades I love in the world of technology, is to be able to easily transcribe things.
I’m a note-taker.
And often from a…
-Sermon…
-Lecture…
-Class…I’ll miss something.
But if it’s been recorded, I can get it transcribed to fill in the blanks.
Unfortunately, it’s not quite as easy to transcribe what’s imprinted on our hard drive (our brains) and our heart drive (our emotions/spirit).
Research indicates that before we enter kindergarten, we’re fully programmed.
With what? … About what?
Beliefs about life, people, circumstances
Beliefs about ourselves
What we’re capable of
What we’re incapable of
What to expect
How to interpret things
What’s acceptable
What’s not
How to feel about things
How to respond / react to things
Much more
-We don’t know we’re programmed.
-We just are.
-By what we’ve seen, heard, experienced.
From parents, siblings, extended family, significant caregivers, teachers, coaches, etc.
-This preprogrammed system runs underground.
-It runs outside our awareness.
-But rules our lives.
Some great stuff, some good stuff, some bad stuff.
Some empowering things, some disempowering things.
Some truths that shape us in remarkable ways, some lies that cripple us in unfortunate ways.
Some of the programming is helpful, some of it’s very damaging (or even destructive).
Some of the neuropathways leads us to hope, courage, and determination.
Some of them lead us to hopelessness, fear, and learned helplessness.
(A pause … 50% of changing everything is you/me/us knowing it’s needed. Then knowing exactly what it is and looks like. That takes rigorous and total honesty. Nothing changes without it. You may rearrange and/or move one or two chairs on the Titanic, but you’ll still remain onboard. Destined to drown.)
After sharing that with my coaching candidate, I asked him the question I ask everyone in the beginning of the certification program.
“Understanding all of that, do you think it’s something we should just allow to remain underground … running our lives? Or do you think it’s something we should transcribe and make wise edits in?”
Following a moment of contemplation, he commented pungently.
“Well, to not do so would be like playing Russian Roulette with our lives and our futures!”
I paused a moment because I’d never heard it stated in such a powerful metaphor.
He added, “That would be just plain foolishness!”
I laughed and said, “Well, let’s not allow that to happen. Let’s sign you up!”
I was clearly just having fun with him in the moment and was moving on.
He put his hand up like a stop sign and said, “I’m in! That alone is a reason to register!”
I smiled again and assured him I’d send him the info and a link after our call if he thought about it and desired to join us.
“The point is all of our programming … what is running underground … is influencing everything about our lives.”
“We can’t change what’s out of our awareness, so we must be very intentional about transcribing it … then doing the editing. That’s the first skill a great coach (an agent of transformation) must acquire!” I explained.
“Coaching is about helping clients unlock the treasure-chest of their lives – worth bearing in mind then that diamonds are made from coal under pressure and it’s the grit in the oyster which creates the pearls.” —Sarah Durrant
(From my AA friend. “I’m like all my fellows and my sponsor. You spend a lifetime easing the pressure to change yourself, constantly challenged by the justifications that you don’t need to. Only to arrive after exercising [the same solution … time after time … Which is/was/will always be drinking] to once again facing the same pressure to change. There are 2 kinds of pressures in life. One you numb and one you surrender to. When you surrender, you allow the peace found in it to transform your life.”)
Reprogramming Both Drives (Resurrecting the Champion)
My coaching candidate said with great enthusiasm, “Now this is the part that intrigued me when I found your information online.”
“Yes, once we get the transcription … the fun begins,” I assured him.
If you follow my blogs and take the action steps that I ask you to take in almost every blog, you’ve been in the process of reprogramming for a while.
Although I don’t call it “reprogramming” in my blogs … it’s what we do together almost every week.
You’ll recall that I very often say things like: “Don’t just read what I’m inviting you to do … DO IT!”
There’s absolutely NOTHING…
-We cannot change…
-Modify…
-Or reprogram in our lives.
NOTHING!
And you don’t have to be a rocket scientist or a doctor or superman/ superwoman to do it.
You just have to take a few steps outside your comfort zone, follow the steps … and things happen.
From my worldview, which is one of Christianity, I believe if we do some fundamental things, and have a sincere desire to become better … there’s something majestic that accompanies our efforts.
In my mind, that’s the graciousness of a loving God.
Clients (and coaches in training) often say things like: “I did that little exercise you gave me, or showed me, or led me in. It was a little uncomfortable, but I did it. And something ‘beyond’ what should have happened … happened!”
(From my AA friend. “It’s called the miracle of the program. Nobody can articulate it. We just all know it happens. It’s happened to me by simply giving myself to not knowing. And no longer allowing my mind or my body to influence what I should know. Out of that surrender came a new understanding of myself that I can’t explain. And it continues to grow. The best way to say it best? I’m just a little boy learning how to live in a big boy’s body.”)
I always feel honored to witness those moments when more than we expect happens.
I know it’s beyond what I’m able to do for people.
And I am so grateful!
Then there’s that piece in the reprogramming that is profound.
Discovering our Champion within.
That part of us that’s full of…
Awe…
Wonder…
Curiosity…
And child-like faith (or belief).
When we look within, that part of us is often buried beneath the pain, the shame, the unfortunate life events, the brokenness … the trauma.
When we resurrect that part of anyone … it borders on the miraculous.
There’s nothing more moving than bringing that part of ourselves to life again.
Many people read about this and think: “Oh, that’s nice.” Others think: “That’s too hokey for me!”
But regardless of your preconceived notions … and thanks to the information we now have about our brains, and the reptilian parts of our brain that hold all of the pain, shame, trauma, or whatever we experienced that impacted us …
We now know…
That we can bring that forward with visualization and breathe life back into that part of ourselves. With that one exercise we can do massive overhaul of our wiring because neuroplasticity in our brains allows us the privilege of doing so!
Back in the 1980’s when I was working with Dr. John Bradshaw, I had my first introduction to this process. Then I had further experience working with Pia Mellody.
Just the few exercises I did with each of them transformed my life.
I often say that God knew just who could reach in and help me find that terrified little girl. To bring her back to life … and assure her she wasn’t stupid. To assure her I would never let anyone hurt her the way she’d been hurt. And that she didn’t have to live in terror any longer.
Transformational.
When you become equipped with this process as a Coach (or experience it as a client or workshop participant), everything changes!
Time Magazine wrote this about Dr. Bradshaw:
“’Isolation. Aloneness. Abandonment. Skin hunger.’ ‘Each’, he says, is a feeling of deprivation derived from our childhood that was never resolved and sets us up to become addicts’ — just as he was.”
“ And though we are grownups, we are still walking around with that wounded little kid hiding inside. ‘But wait,’ he adds, ‘there’s hope. By focusing personal consciousness on the frightened inner child — as infant, toddler and adolescent — we can all begin the process of recovery. The goal of this work is to get you to come to peace with the past and finish it’.”
The greatest gift we can give to our clients is to help them come to peace!
(From my AA friend. “I guess I got old enough to not care what I looked like doing these exercises. You see, I prided myself in always keeping control of how … as they say, ‘I came off’. Controlling my strut was my front burner aspiration. I’d listened to Dr. John Bradshaw, who like me was a recovering addict. Ok … here’s what I did. I GAVE myself totally to going back using these exercises (which I questioned is they’d work)? But did it with all of myself. Guess what? Don’t ask me how … but they worked! Like Jesus said … “You find your life by losing it!”)
Establishing A New Emotional Home
When we experience trauma or “less than ideal moments” in life … what we “feel” in those moments becomes deeply branded on our hearts.
We may dislike it immensely.
Or even hate it.
But the branding makes it “familiar”.
Although we’d do anything to “not feel it” … by the way, this is the genesis for all addiction. We don’t want to feel it, so we drown it in some substance or process.
Although we’d do anything to “not feel it” … we know how to manage it, how to cope with it.
And it’s easier to dislike it intensely, knowing we know how to manage it … than to move into a new arena of emotions that we know nothing about.
And don’t know how to manage those.
That’s why emotional sobriety is so hard for addicts in recovery. They know how to manage emotions with substances or processes, but now they have NOT ONE CLUE about what to do with those emotions that are no longer being medicated.
It’s why they go into denial and make claims like: “I don’t have an anger problem. Or a resentment problem. Or a judgment problem.”
Because since they can’t manage them, and they are committed to sobriety, they develop an alter reality and see themselves differently than everyone else sees them.
It’s like the emperor who had no clothes.
And when challenged (about being naked) … they whine about being “misunderstood.”
When we reset the emotional home, what’s familiar … we can then manage our emotions and come back to the reality of the rest of the world.
Whether or not you used addictions to cope … you deserve an emotional home that’s safe, peaceful, joyful, and FUN!
I often tell people that even though it may not seem to make sense to return to an emotional home that is “not pleasant” … if you think of it in terms of hurricanes, it could make more sense.
When there are areas where hurricanes hit often … you see people grieving over the massive loss. They pull themselves together and rebuild … only to have their home blown away again in a hurricane 2 to 5 or even 10 years later.
People who live in MidAmerica might look at that say: “Why don’t they just MOVE?”
It’s easy for them to say.
But for those near the coast … it’s not that easy.
Why?
Because it’s HOME!
I remember watching while Tony Robbins spoke to Theo Von (well-known as a stand-up comedian) about emotional homes. In tears, Theo talked about going back to the place of shame and low self-esteem over and over in his life. Almost feeling guilty about leaving that place that brought him down.
Of course, Tony guided him in finding a new emotional home.
But it’s not always easy to leave our “go to” emotional states and homes behind. Even if they’re not where we truly desire to be.
Having the privilege of resetting that emotional home as a Coach is priceless!
“We all have an emotional home that we keep coming back to. Even if a foundationally angry or sad person has a good job and good family, they return to their emotional home, especially when experiencing life’s inevitable setbacks. To truly master your emotions, you must change your emotional home to one of comfort, of gratitude and abundance, of faith and grace.”
Tony Robbins
*****
After a wonderful conversation with the Coach Candidate, I was sharing with one of my Executive Coaches about his response when I had explained why it is so important to edit what is programmed on our heart (emotions) and hard drives (brain).
“Well, to not do so would be like playing Russian Roulette with our lives and our futures!”
I was sharing how that impacted me.
How it made me even more determined to make sure every human has an opportunity to do this!
There is an ancient proverb that I think about often:
“For as a man / woman thinks in his / her heart … so is he / she!”
We become what that underlying programming leads us to.
Neuropsychological studies indicate that at least 90% of our programming is out of our awareness.
Thankfully, we now know how to bring it into our awareness.
And make the changes in that programming that lead us to the quality of the life we so desire.
I’m personally committed to aligning my life in a way that honors God and all I was created to be.
And deeply devoted to helping others (and training Coaches to help others) dig deep and create the life, the abundant life, they desire and deserve.
No more Russian roulette!
Giving up something that has “some” sense of safety and/or familiarity in it and to it … is hard to do. But abundance and wonder and peace weren’t meant to be part time virtues and feelings.
They were meant to be our life.
Only you and you alone have the power to change you into the you,
you were meant to be.
Do it for yourself, then help do it for someone else!
LET’S DO THIS!
PS – If you’re interested in becoming an agent of transformation, click here:
