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A Gentle Path to Healing What Trauma Has Done to Your Body

“When my husband came home after his visit with you, I asked him how it went…he just smiled and said, ‘She said it’s not your fault’!”

“I dissolved into tears because they were the first words of hope I have heard about my struggle in years!”

Last week I wrote about her husband’s visit with me and explained to him about how trauma leaves us with unwanted pounds, unwelcomed body fat, and coping with the energy thief. (If you missed it, here is the link: https://drneecie.com/what-you-must-understand-about-unwanted-pounds-unwelcomed-body-fat-the-energy-thief-after-trauma/).

I validated her and assured her that there was an answer to her challenges.

(A pause…from my friend in AA. “Every room of AA I’ve ever entered are filled with the same stories of finding victory over victimhood. Brave souls facing the unknown committed to not knowing what to call it but trying to find ‘a why and a way’ to discover that it’s not their fault. They/we like all victims of life-trauma must surrender for the answers to find us and not leave us with nothing but questions.”)

I also told my client that I hoped her husband had done a good job of sharing with her some of the data I’d shared with him.

She shared with me the tremendous shame she felt about her body.

I nodded with great empathy and compassion.

It’s a heartbreaking battle I see and work with so often.

I explained: “I hope you understand that our goal is more about you feeling great about yourself than it is about the size of your jeans. We can change that too, but without true healing, and draining the swamp of shame, a new jeans size will not do much for you.”

She confessed, “I have a great life, an amazing supportive husband, wonderful adult children, precious grandchildren … so I know that none of this should matter!”

“But it does!” I validated. “I’m glad you are grateful for all you have. Now let’s reclaim your sense of value and worth, and your body will heal!”

Tears flowed as she whispered: “Thank you. Thank you for understanding!”

Then we began a journey that I’d like to invite you on if you have experienced any trauma.

If so, you’ll understand what Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk has taught us all to say from his book title… “your body keeps the score.”

Whether your trauma has been recent or years ago, the path to healing is the same.

Whether your trauma was horrific or “just hurtful” … the path to healing is the same.

Remember my definition of trauma:

“Any experience that has affected us in any way that diminishes who we are, dulling our gifts and talents, making life more difficult than it would have otherwise been!”

-Your/my/our self-talk is not totally original.

-We now know that beyond any doubts.

-Let’s embrace that and not make it ‘the angst of trying.’

-But let the doing of it be our surrender.

-And let our sowing of it give us the answers!

Trauma could include many things:

And the list goes on.

Several things all forms of trauma have in common:

But there’s hope!

Let’s begin a healing journey together.

  1. Tell yourself the truth about trauma’s effects on your body.

 

“I want to follow every step with you, but I’ve been told that ‘blaming trauma’ is just an excuse for being overweight and exhausted all the time,” my client shared with confusion and curiosity.

“Our goal here is not to blame. Our goal is to tell ourselves the truth. The truth is that trauma affects our bodies. The effects are different for every person. But to know what we need to address, you must acknowledge how it has affected you,” I explained.

“Until we acknowledge it, it is challenging to be gentle with ourselves.”

I asked her a series of questions that I’d like to ask you to answer yourself.

I will then walk through her responses to hopefully inspire your thought processes.

Take some time to journal your responses. I will share how we processed hers:

When you think about what happened to you, where do you feel it in your body?

After a few deep breaths in and out, she responded.

“I feel it in my chest area…like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe.”

I nodded and waited.

“And I feel it in my stomach. Like there’s huge green slimy sludge that makes me nauseous and I feel like I need to hurl.”

 

What has changed in your body since that time (for the better or the worse?)

She blurted out: “Everything!”

“I feel and look bloated. I have NO energy … EVER! My eyes look hollow, and I look 20+ years older than my age!”

Her tears assured me that the pain and shame had left its mark on her mentally, emotionally, and physically.

(A pause from my friend in AA. “Just today I had a Facebook friend reach out to me for help…I said what I felt led to say from my heart but one thing I kept sharing; “Don’t be afraid…you deserve to live free and safe and in peace with yourself and those you love…the answers will find us when we give up trying  to control the questions too.”)

Have you experienced any ailments or sicknesses that you hadn’t had previously?

“Headaches. Underlying headaches that sometimes-become migraines,” she said.

“I’m not one who sits around saying ‘I can’t … I have headaches’. I carry on. Rarely does anyone know when it becomes a migraine. So, I’m not ‘using it’ …”

I assured her that I didn’t believe she was ‘using’ anything. That our bodies have their own real reactions to the trauma we’ve been carrying around at a cellular level.

What has been different about your digestion?

Once again, she stated: “Everything!”

“I’m lactose intolerant. I have pain after I eat in my tummy. I struggle with constipation,” she almost whispered with embarrassment.

I explained that almost no one escaped trauma without digestive issues.

What habits have you developed to comfort yourself?

 

“I don’t know …” she said as she processed.

Then looked up and said, “I do know … but I don’t want to admit them …”

I asked her if she would be willing to write them down as I handed her a tablet and a pen.

She took them and began to write reluctantly.

She handed me the tablet.

I saw these words:

I nodded and assured her I understood.

And that acknowledging the truth was a giant step forward.

We all try to figure out a way to comfort ourselves.

It’s just evidence of the major effect trauma has had on us.

(A pause from my AA friend. “Everyone in AA recovery shares a similar story. We all thought that we were so unique when in fact we’re so much alike. A soul lift is hearing your story in someone else’s and knowing you’re for sure not alone. And knowing that is strength I thought I’d never find; a chance at serenity.”)

  1. Make a decision to choose a gentle path.

 

There’s NOTHING gentle about trauma of any kind.

When we choose healing paths that are not gentle … they trigger the trauma response, making our situation more intense. Often compounding the effects of our trauma with healing methods that are not gentle.

We choose them because there is some need to punish ourselves for the trauma in us. And it feels familiar to experience things that are harsh, hard, and/or unfair.

“Maybe that’s why most of the diets I’ve tried felt so awful. All the counting, measuring, weighing. You can’t have this. You can’t have that. You need to control yourself. You don’t have enough willpower …”

I told her that all of those were similar things that all of us who have experienced trauma have dealt with.

I asked her, as I’d like to ask you … “If I could help you heal in a gentle way, adopt a gentle lifestyle program that’s not depriving or demanding, and you could see your energy return without overly demanding workouts, etc … what would you think?”

I knew the answer. It’s the same, or at least similar, for all of us that have experienced trauma.

She grimaced with a look of guilt as she responded: “I’d think that it wouldn’t work …”

I responded, “One of the tragedies of trauma is that it sets a new standard that things that are effective must be hard, difficult, or at least demanding beyond what we feel we can do …”

She smiled as the ‘ah-ha’ set in.

“Five pushups? Are you kidding me … if I can’t do 50 … why bother?”

“Choose a plan where I get to cheat everyday? … Are you kidding me … if I’m not starving, how could it possibly work?”

She laughed with me as I pointed out how trauma makes us think …

I paused, leaned toward her, and invited her: “Would you be willing to care about yourself, your future, and your healing enough to go on a gentle journey with me?”

She nodded, looking as if she were breaking some sort of rule.

I shared with her: “You can choose any lifestyle plan you’d like. It doesn’t have to be mine. It just must be gentle!”

Her lip quivered as she asked, “Why is it so hard for me to be gentle with myself?”

I reached for her hand and I gently informed, “Because trauma forever changes how we feel about ourselves … until we begin the healing process. The good news is this …  we begin the process of defying trauma and its effect on our bodies when we choose a gentle path.”

I hope that you too will choose a gentle path!

I hope that you will do that for two reasons.

One is that you deserve it.

Secondly, you will be taking your first step to defy the effect that trauma has had on your body.

(A pause from my AA friend. “Recovery is a spiritual journey. It’s surrendering what you know to find what you believe.”)

  1. Begin your healing journey.

 

I hope you will begin your healing journey.

-Not just think about it.

-Not just talk about it.

-Not just journal about it.

DO IT!

JUST DO IT!

My client responded: “Why do you think it’s so hard to get started?”

“Great question!” I responded.

“I think there’s a myriad of reasons … certainly I’ve heard hundreds of them … But I’d say they all fall into a few categories.

“What if I have a little bit of all of that?” my client asked innocently.

“Do it anyway!” I said with a sparkle in my eyes.

I think the first step is the hardest.

(A pause from my AA friend. “I was in and out and in and out and finally I stayed long enough for my days of sobriety to change my brain from duplicitous noise to I’m changing…it’s that simple and that complex! The miracle WILL happen.”)

I gave her a first step … with no requirements that she complete it.

Just a first step to take home and consider.

I’d like to give you the same first step.

It will likely take you out of your comfort zone.

But it’s a gentle start … if you choose to do it.

Here are the instructions:

Write a letter to your trauma.

-Tell it what it’s done to your body.

-Tell it how you feel about what it’s done to your body.

-Tell it that you’re taking back charge of your body, your energy, your life.

-Tell it WHY you’re doing that.

-Tell it there’s a “new sheriff in town.” That you’re taking charge.

As I explained to her … this is for only you.

It’s not for social media.

It’s not for friends (although you could share it with a coach, a clergy member, or a mentor).

The next steps is … after it’s written, it’s important that you read it out loud.

Saying the words out loud allow it to go in through your ear and back to your reptilian brain where trauma is stored. It literally begins a shift.

A shift toward freeing you.

My client immediately said, “I’m going to do this. You’re right. It’s uncomfortable for me. But I MUST get started. I want my body back. Mostly I want my energy back. And I want my life back.”

I validated her enthusiasm with these simple words:

“I see you.”

“I hear you.”

“I believe you.”

I’d like to say those words to you too.

Trauma leaves us longing to be seen, heard, and believed.

***

(A pause from my AA friend. “I was like most who begin in recovery and try finally changing their lives. I too struggled to believe that something this simple (12 steps) could change someone like me. (Which I discovered was just another way of saying): ‘Nobody gets me so why should I believe this sh*t’. That kind of pride is childish and stupid and self-driven and it’s what keeps me/you/us from a miracle.”)

I’d like to invite you on the journey of healing.

Whether you choose to use my plan or not, I’d love for you to choose a plan that’s gentle.

I know what it’s like to feel like your body, your health, and your energy have been stolen.

When I began my journey there were precious few resources for healing and claiming our lives back.

I know how to shine the light on the healing path, and I’d be honored to do that for you!

“Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence.”
— Peter A. Levine

 

 

 

 

 

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