“I’m truly not trying to be controversial… but I’m just very curious. Does the existence of trauma coaching defy faith?”
I knew my client was not being controversial though I knew it was a sincere question.
And it’s not the first time I’ve heard similar questions.
By the time our conversation ended, my client said, “I wish you’d write about this. Because I’ve heard a lot of similar questions since I graduated from coach training.”
We live in a free-will-world. The only way for love to find its purest expression is through complete freedom to do so. It’s the uninvited trauma inflicted on that freedom, that keeps all of us from living a life we love.
Most of the people who read what I write know that my worldview is one of Christianity. Regardless of your worldview (knowing that it could be quite different) I’m hoping that you’ll continue to read along.
This is not about “religion” … it’s about something far more important.
It’s about where and how trauma and faith come together.
Through the years, I have fielded questions from both sides of this equation. I’ve heard countless comments.
And I must confess that I understand both sides.
I’ve had clients come in who, in disgust, report: “The people at my church tell me if I pray enough, I’ll be healed from this trauma. But why would I ask the God who did not keep this from happening to me to heal me from it?”
I’ve had clients come in begging to know the right church to go to, or the right church to attend to find healing.
I’ve had clients eager to do the work if “the God thing” wasn’t part of it.
I’ve had people come in who would not do the work without first fasting and praying.
I’ve had people dismayed when they saw a sign in my office that says: “God always shows up!”
I’ve had people dismayed when I did not read the Bible to them in their sessions.
I’m always amazed at how people feel like they must choose between God (or their faith) and trauma healing.
Yet when I was in my last year of being a teenager, I was seeking answers. And I had the same dilemma.
I knew I was broken. I knew I’d prayed often for the healing for that brokenness.
I’d spent hours in the library researching.
Hoping I could read something that would help.
I read Christian books.
I read psychology books.
I read self-help books.
But the conflict seemed to be … that I either loved God enough to trust him, or I could turn to counseling and compromise my faith.
And of course, that complicated the fact that I had felt for years like I wanted to help people.
Then … I heard a message about a story in the Bible I had heard hundreds of times. But on that particular day, I felt like God responded to my dilemma.
Because what was not said in the message but came to my mind… transformed my thinking and began my journey.
I’m sharing that in point #1 of this blog.
From that moment on, I never saw faith and trauma healing as two separate things. I saw them as a beautiful, combined relation of healing.
This week I’m sharing stories from the Bible that actually fuel my passion. Please do not mistake this as a religious article. Because I am not claiming to be a theologian in any manner
Far from that. I just have a heart for seeing people healed! That’s my passion, and I hope you will find this helpful.
- Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead… But…
The message I heard was right after I had returned from a trip to Israel.
It was about Lazarus dying.
His sisters (Mary and Martha) had sent a message to Jesus saying that Lazarus was sick.
When Jesus arrived, he was already dead and in a tomb. One of the sisters told Jesus that if he had been there, Lazurus wouldn’t have died.
Jesus asked where Lazarus was, and they took him to the tomb. He told them to remove the stone, but they objected because he’d been dead 4 days, and the smell would’ve been awful.
But they did.
Jesus called him by name and he came out of the tomb.
The message was something about it’s never too late.
I’m sure it was a great message.
But I was somewhere else … lost in thought.
I’d been to Lazarus’ tomb on my trip to Israel.
It was a deep cave.
Almost perpendicular to the ground.
Like 15 ft. deep.
And I’d say not more than 5’ wide.
You had to climb down, and then out by finding toe holes in the rock.
The story says he was wrapped in grave clothes.
I was lost in my mind … wondering how someone wrapped in grave clothes got out of there. But somehow it happened.
In my immature mind (remember, I was not even quite 20 years old), I just couldn’t fathom how he got out of there. But I was thinking … if Jesus could cause him to live again, I guess getting him out of there was no big deal.
But what wasn’t spoken about in the message that hit me like a flash was this. He told the others to remove the grave clothes from him.
Surely after the miracle of raising him from the dead, getting him out of that tomb … he could’ve just told the grave clothes to fall off.
But he involved others in the final part of giving life to back to Lazarus.
At that moment …
that VERY MOMENT …
I felt divinely commissioned to become a remover of grave clothes.
To participate in people getting their lives back.
From trauma.
Don’t misunderstand me. I would NEVER compare myself to Jesus. But I do want to be one of those he commissioned to help set people free. From the death grip of trauma.
No, not everyone dies of trauma. But those who live with it, feel like something in them has died. And I want to be a part of removing those kinds of grave clothes.
That’s a beautiful mixture of faith and trauma healing!
The “BUT …” here is that Jesus involved others in the process of bringing life back to the man. That’s our job as Coaches!
- Jesus made mud pies and put them on people’s eyes… But…
There’s another story that fuels my passion for seeing people healed from trauma.
This story is about a blind man that was brought to Jesus for healing.
The people were asking about (whether or not) this was a result his parents sinning.
OH, MY WORD!
Just like so many wonder if people cause their own trauma.
I love it that in the story Jesus puts them in their place!
But then he did something that would seem to make no sense. He spit on some dirt, made some mudpies and put them on the man’s eyes. Then he told the man to go wash it off in the Pool of Siloam, a reservoir fed by a spring.
When he washed his eyes, he could see for the first time in his life.
I realized when I understood this story the value of having people be a part of their own healing.
I can’t do it all for them … no matter how amazing of a coach I might be.
I can give them the roadmap.
I can walk by their side.
Even hold their hand if it helps.
I can shine the flashlight enough so that they can see their next steps.
I can help them identify what trauma branded on their brains and hearts (without their permission).
I can provide a framework for them to reprogram all of that.
But ultimately … THEY must be the ones to wash the mud from their eyes.
In Mel Robbins’ book Let Them … She explains that we have to stop trying to control other people and situations and “Let them …” But that we also then have to take one more step into “Let me …” What’s my responsibility in this situation?
We cannot force others to change. We cannot do the work for them. We can invite them and then … “Let them …” Let them choose to do it or not.
And our focus is on the “Let me …” as coaches.
-Let me provide the most compelling invitation.
-Let me provide the direction.
-Let me walk with them.
Then “Let them …” decide whether they’ll wash the mud from their lives or not.
Remember trust is the door to every freedom.
And the first words God ever spoke to a human being is,
“You are free …” Genesis 2:16.
The “BUT …” here is that Jesus involved this man in seeing life clearly again. Our job, as Coaches, is the give clear instruction … and let them choose.
- Jesus knew they had fished all night … But …
There’re two stories of Jesus talking to the disciples about fishing.
They had apparently fished all night and caught nothing.
I remember when I would go fishing with my dad as a little girl. We did some casting to catch some fish … But mostly, he had lanterns on the front of his boat and I learned to gig flounder.
Most nights, we knew just where to go to gig to our heart’s delight. But on those nights where the waters were stirred and we couldn’t find or see them … those were frustrating nights.
So, I can only imagine how the disciples had done all they knew to do. They had been doing it for years.
They were pros at it.
Then to hear someone say … cast the nets one more time … or cast them to the other side …
Especially someone who wasn’t a fishing pro like they were …
May have felt insulting or inconsequential.
But they did it …
And stories tell us that their nets were so full they almost broke, and the boat was so full that they had to call for other boats to come and help.
As a Coach, our job is to keep them trying … one more time.
And sometimes to convince them to try something different.
They get programmed for doing things a certain way.
For thinking about things in a certain way.
For processing things in a certain way.
They become deeply entrenched in the “certain ways.”
If those certain ways are productive and helpful … that’s awesome.
But continuing to throw the nets out on one side and expect a different result might be the definition of insanity.
Our job as Coaches is to be insightful and creative enough to suggest a different way. Or sometimes to just encourage them to stay on the healing path.
One of the most profound things I ever learned from Dr. Pat Love is one simple truth. When people get halfway through a growth curve or healing process, they get weary.
Understandable.
But she always shared these two truths with us again and again …
“The only way out is THROUGH!”
“The distance to turn around and go back to what you know wasn’t healthy, wasn’t working for you … is the same distance as continuing to take steps to the ‘other side’ which is a far better life!”
Most people who end up leaving the healing process do so when they’re just steps from the life they’ve longed for.
Our job as Coaches is to be empathetic with the weariness, but to encourage them to stay in the game.
You know that old saying that the darkest hour is just before dawn?
It’s truer than you may think … and sometimes we have more insight into that as Coaches than our clients do!
The “BUT …” here is that Jesus saw that their best days were just a few steps ahead … And he helped them see that. It was still up to them, BUT he gave them the direction they needed!
*****
Why do I share these stories?
Just examples of how my faith provides me insights to do the healing work that I do.
It’s not either … or …
For me, each morning I pray that every client I see will experience their miracle of complete healing that very day.
And sometimes the miracle is the next step toward healing.
Either way, I’m grateful!
I like living by Albert Einsteins creed when it comes to miracles:
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
There is no competition between faith and trauma healing. They work together beautifully … if we believe.
When you believe!
I love the lyrics to the song so powerfully performed by Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, and both of them together. I use it most of my workshops and often in my office.
I’m sure you’ve heard it … but when you have discouraging moments, I suggest you listen to it. (https://youtu.be/LKaXY4IdZ40?si=1B0s-T147VHgnHQa)
Read the lyrics.
Many nights we prayed, with no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts, a hopeful song we barely understood
Now we are not afraid, although we know there’s much to fear
We were moving mountains long before we knew we could
Oh yes, there can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve?
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe, mmm, yeah
In this time of fear, when prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds, too swiftly flown away
Yet now I’m standing here, my heart so full, I can’t explain
Seeking faith and speaking words I never thought I’d say
There can be miracles when you believe (When you believe)
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve? (You can achieve)
When you believe, somehow you will, you will when you believe
They don’t always happen when you ask
And it’s easy to give in to your fears
But when you’re blinded by your pain
Can’t see your way clear through the rain
A small, but still resilient voice says hope is very near
There can be miracles
When you believe
Boy, when you believe,
Though hope is frail, it’s hard…
Hard to kill, yeah
Who knows what miracles you can achieve?
You can achieve,
When you believe, somehow you will
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
We can ignite trust and hope and faith in those we serve, by the abundance that will find them … When they believe. And sometimes, we have to help them belief!
As for me … I count on miracles! And I’m believing for miracles for YOU!