“How do you know if someone isn’t getting their needs met or if they’re just needy?” my client asked.
“Oh, my goodness … you certainly know how to get me on a soapbox!” I responded immediately.
“One hundred percent of humans have four basic needs to survive (safety/security, significance, support and love, surprise/variety) … and three more to thrive (spiritual growth, sharing / making a difference, self-improvement / personal growth).”
“It is our responsibility to get those needs met, but calling someone who doesn’t know how to get them met is no reason to call them ‘needy’!”
“But that’s a topic for another time …”
“We all have needs. As infants, then children, we are totally dependent on our caregivers to get our needs met. How that happens, or doesn’t happen, is what determines our attachment style,” I shared.
“I can see I hit a nerve with that one!” my client reflected. “I guess I always thought since I stuffed my emotions I had no needs. But now I look back and I think I’ve called my wife ‘needy’ when she had ‘normal emotions’.”
I smiled as I reminded him, “So what about those ‘stuffed emotions’ when you would ‘go off’ on your wife?”
“Oh that!” he burst out with. We both chuckled.
“Part of that disorganized attachment style, I’m guessing? I see myself as someone who stuffs their emotions and has no needs. But then I call those outbursts… ‘moments’ … ‘I have my moments’ …” he admitted.
Before we get to the symptoms of an adult with each of these attachment wounds, let’s take a look at the symptoms of a child who has them.
But let me assure you that no matter what the wounds are, no matter what the attachment style is, no matter what they symptoms are … they can all be healed.
And when healed you will have a healthy attachment style. Which leads to: rich relationships, trust and trustworthiness, authentic vulnerability and presence, great respect for others, and the respect of others. Your impact will multiply … along with your fulfillment!
Symptoms of a Child with Anxious Attachment Wounds
Children are dependent on their parents and caregivers for meeting their needs. They also learn their communication, social skills, and relationships skills from watching them.
When parents (or caregivers) are inconsistent in their responses to the child, the child is likely to develop an anxious attachment style.
Other factors that may contribute to an anxious attachment style are caregivers who have an anxious attachment style, or preoccupation with other things. And especially when caregivers are insensitive or emotionally unavailable.
(And please know…neither the caregiver nor the child realizes this is so. That’s why it’s so difficult to find the honesty to see and repair it.)
Early on, a child who’s developing an anxious attachment style is likely to be clingy.
There’s just something in all of us when we’re young that desperately needs to get our needs met. When that doesn’t happen, we hold on for dear life.
These children are also inconsolable when their caregivers leave.
Children with healthy attachment styles may cry or be upset when their caregivers leave, but by the time they are out of sight, the child is easily redirected, and adapts just fine.
The anxious attachment style often leaves children struggling with self-esteem issues and they often lack the ability to regulate their emotions.
Doing their best to cope in their early elementary school years, they may act out negatively when they feel anxious or unsafe. For them, negative attention can be a substitute for having their needs met in a positive way.
The saddest thing is that the natural response to a child with anxious attachment is to discipline more harshly. Which only reinforces their acting out.
“That was me to a T in elementary school. I had an internal battle with trying to disappear, but then acting out when I needed attention,” my client confessed.
“I hated myself. I didn’t want to disappear … yet I did. I didn’t want to act out … yet I did. I was a mess,” he continued.
I nodded with understanding. These kids really struggle.
They really begin to thrive if they have teachers who understand attachment styles. They will begin to meet the child’s needs consistently (before the acting out) and the child begins to heal.
I always say that teachers are not paid enough.
Particularly those who invest in the lives and the futures of kids, by knowing things like healing attachment styles.
“It’s interesting to hear you say that,” my client shared.
“In the fifth grade, I had a teacher who also coached baseball. I think he did that for me. Because that’s when I stopped all the acting out.”
Teachers, coaches, nannies, babysitters, extended family, etc. can be real contributors to a child’s healing and growth … or lack thereof.
To you who are teachers and truly invest in the lives of the children in your care … God bless you!
I had one of those teachers in fourth grade.
She saw my struggle with reading and created a summer school class for kids like me. (I didn’t know it at the time, but I found out in high school.)
I know she made a major difference in my life.
For you reading this … just know that whether you teach a Sunday School Class, carpool kids to school, coach or teach them,or have any other role in a child’s life…you can make a huge difference in their lives!
Symptoms of a Child with Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment Wounds
“The greatest gift we can give our children, is sensitivity to who they are.”
Dr. Chuck Swindoll
Last week I shared that these wounds occur in children who have caregivers who ignored, dismissed, or minimized their needs.
As a result, these kids often avoid emotional bonds with others.
It looks like distance but is often protective in nature.
They often lack trust since their needs were not met consistently.
This makes anything involving teamwork difficult for them.
They may struggle with any kind of physical affection (i.e. giving and receiving hugs). The emotional distancing that accompanies that often makes forming friendships difficult.
Yet at the same time, they may prioritize the needs of others over their own, making closeness with them confusing. And certainly, it is confusing to the child.
These children can be difficult to read, because they internalize their distress. They may seem calm, and then suddenly become irritable when the suppressed distress leaks out.
Again, these are not ‘bad kids’ although they may have that label or something akin to that.
The truth is, they’re just kids, doing their best with the attachment disorder they have been given. Not their choice. But the result of the significant caregivers in their lives.
“I have to say it’s sad now to look back on myself as a little boy. I was the one who stuffed my distress. And there was plenty of it in my house,” he said with sadness.
“Then I’d have these little blow ups, and I didn’t really even now why?” he mused. “And it’s exactly who I’ve been as a husband!”
“We’ll get to the adult symptoms next week,” I assured him. “But remember, we will also get to the healing. You didn’t get to choose your attachment style … but you definitely get to choose what to do with it now!”
Remember … the same is true for you!
There’s untold peace and emotional acceptance of yourself when you look deep and decide to learn and become what heals you.
Symptoms of a Child with Disorganized (Fearful / Avoidant) Attachment Wounds
Last week, we talked about what creates this attachment wound in children.
Their caregivers are quite often unpredictable in the way they interact with their kids.
In addition, there’s usually experiences of or exposure to trauma and/or abuse.
These kids really struggle. Not only do they have some of the symptoms of the first 2 attachment wounds we’ve already visited, but they have some uniquenesses to the combination of the two as well.
Obviously, they struggle with need for connection and then pushing the connection away when they get it.
That’s the reason these kids are often loners or lonely.
When these children get upset, they’re very difficult to console or calm down. They can also easily become very angry, very quickly, over things that do not warrant such reactions.
They’re often considered emotionally volatile.
Yet at the same time, they can be very charming and delightful.
They are often hypervigilant which can lead them to be resistant to joining in play with other children.
These kids often get into trouble in school, having trouble with outbursts and following rules. Yet at the same time, they often are the ‘life of the party’ at school, making them favorites in a classroom.
“Yep! That was me!” my client announced.
“An unpredictable kid, an unpredictable husband, an unpredictable dad,” he confessed with sadness.
“It’s not too late!” I reminded him.
Don’t let the discovery of the truth of what’s made you who you’ve become, keep you from becoming who long to be.
For over time those engrained violations of you in your brain, will slowly take over for the hope you’re feeling and cause you to settle. But DON’T … please don’t!
Let the amazing part of you shine!
I’m reminding you of the same thing.
You didn’t get to choose your attachment style.
But you do get to choose your path forward.
***
None of us had the opportunity to choose our caregivers, which includes our parents, teachers, coaches, extended family, nannies, neighbors, etc.
I remember when I was learning about attachment styles and attachment wounds, I did my best to become a better parent. But I also wanted to put my children in a bubble.
We cannot do that, but we can take great care in choosing their caregivers, teachers, and coaches. I always believed that you didn’t have a choice in those things, but we have more influence and power than we think.
Kids are absolutely wonderful.
They may have challenges.
But the sooner we identify their attachment wounds and help them get healing … the easier their life will be.
If you have identified any of these wounds or symptoms in your life, I hope you will continue to follow … because the healing exercises are coming.
My heart’s desire is to give everyone the resources to heal.
And healing IS possible!
“Thinking about your early childhood experiences can be painful. However, doing so allows you to shift focus to the present by reflecting on how these events impact you as an adult. Understanding your patterns is one of the first steps toward change.” Dr. Emily Guarnotto
Before we get to the symptoms of an adult with each of these attachment wounds, let’s take a look at the symptoms of a child who has them.